Not Very Imaginative
New Year Greetings.
What have Nutter been up to for the past 2 days?
Nothing. Just... staying at home and holing up at grandma's place.
Why? cause Nutter is not in the best of moods.
Thursday night/friday morning, went to shoot some pool with mutu moley, choy and dwarf.
Orchad road was deserted. Depressing, and I thought getting out of the house would do me some good.
Caught a cab back. Most exciting thing to happen was taking a cab back I guess. It was choy's birthday yesterday, in his words ' This is the worst birthday ever'
Imagine this, 4 of us squatting outside lucky plaza 7 eleven eating mircowave food. what a way to spend chinese new year. Felt damn sorry for choy, but there was nothing much we could do. it was 2am in the morning.
Mood this time is decisively depressing. Chinese New Year's eve was spent playing soccer in school under the afternoon sun and eating fast food. followed by reunion dinner. Dinner was ok, nothing to shout about.
Thought playing blackjack would make me feel better. It made me feel worse. Lost abit...nothing much
Friends are all busy. Its CNY, I expected as much. I dont want to bother them anyway. If there is one thing that I learnt last year, its that people do have their lives and its much more important than you. No matter who you are.
I didnt do anything when I saw them today and yesterday. I didnt know why I didnt do anything. My aunt said that I shouldnt. But I thought I should. But I didnt do it in the end. Did i chicken out? I dont know. Suspicious of it tho. Perhaps I was afraid of making a scene.
Its very like me nowadays. Preferring to avoid problems and people. Was just sitting infront of the TV. I dont even watch alot of TV. Just sat there channel surfing. It was kinda weird. Its like, I catch myself thinking of some stuff thats totally irrevelant. Like some past event or some past ideas/emotions and other stuff. Then when I snap back to reality, I get abit upset at myself. Its like, why go think of some shit that dont even matter now or is totally irrelevent. Its not day dreaming, its time wasting. Then it leads to stuff like 'damn, why did I do that back then?' or 'shit, why am i doing this?'
Things along that line totally upsets me. Its like, no use regreting, but hell, sometimes...its not the 'what if' , its the 'why'
'Why' is much more important than 'what if' Yet people waste all their times on 'what if's
Perhaps because people find it much harder to justify their actions than compared to thinking of what could have been.
Personally, I try to find the 'why' in everything I do. I want to do everything for a purpose. A small thing, anything. Some logical answer to everything I do. everything I feel and everything I see. But then, it has dawned on me, or perhaps i should have reliased it long ago that i just cant find a logical answer to everything that i do.
Actions should be justifyable. Yet humans still do things that are not justifyable. Perhaps, I was thinking that this is what that makes us humans. Animals do things because its necessary for survival and all sort of other stuff, but humans seem to be the only beings which do things because we want to while not actually wanting to.
Hmm, I have written alot of gibberish in today's entry and its not even necessary( see what i mean?)
So perhaps i should stop now.
If you all happen to read from the top to the bottom here, please tag to let me know that you people actually read rubbish.
Today's song is Surrounded by Dream Theater. Fantastic song. Lyrics are very very good. Enjoy.
Morning comes too early and nighttime falls too late
And sometimes all I want to do is wait
The shadow I've been hiding in has fled from me today
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I will raise a shelter to the sky
and here beneath this
star tonight I'll lie
She will slowly yield the light
As I awaken from the longest night
Dreams are shaking
Set sirens waking up tired eyes
With the light the memories all rush into his head
By a candle stands a mirror
Of his heart and soul she dances
She was dancing through the night above his bed
And walking to the window
he throws the shutters out
against the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
'Let light surround you'
It's been a long, long time
He's had awhile to think it over
In the end he only sees the change
Light to dark
Dark to light
Light to dark
Dark to light
Heaven must be more than this
When angels waken with a kiss
Sacred hearts won't take the pain
But mine will never be the same
He stands before the window
His shadow slowly fading from the wall
And from an ivory tower hears her call
'Let the light surround you'
Once lost but I was found
When I heard the stained glass shatter all around me
I sent the spirits tumbling down the hill
But I will hold this one on high above me still
She whispers words to clear my mind
I once could see but now at last I'm blind
I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye
But I had given all than I could take
And now I've only habits left to break
Tonight I'll still be lying here
Surrounded in all the light
Yea, its definetly easier to walk away than look you in the eye.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Nutter cannot believe it. Annoyed. Pissed. Angry. Very troubled.
My grandad came from china when he was a young child with his family. He went back when he was 18 but subsequently found that home in mainland china was not to his liking. So he came back alone against his father's wishes.
He came back, he studied. He married my grandma and he started working in a bank.
They had 5 children. All girls.
He worked hard, he didnt have much vices. He only liked to smoke and play a little mahjong when he had the free time. He also loved chinese chess. He was never really poor. He had sufficient means to bring up his family without my grandma ever working in her life. He paid for my grandma's driving lessons back then altho she never really passed. He didnt wanna learn cause he had silly accident driving a car when he was young and foolish. It actually rolled down a mountain!
He was a learned man. He could speak chinese, malay, english and most dialects reasonably well. But he was one of those whos english was very good. He read newspapers and magazines. He was always interested in shares too. He was the first one who told me about shares but back then, I didnt really understand.
He was a good father. His 5 daughters grew up to at least to hold teitiary certs and 2 daughters finnished university. He even spanked his own brother-in-law who bullied his daughters. He was never a strict disciplinarian sort. He was one of the more soft spoken ones.
He loved to sing and could really hold his own. He use to be in the school choir. He didnt really liked sports, perhaps except swimming. He loved liverpool Football club. Particulary John Barnes and Ian Rush, he also thought that cantona was great even when Man Utd beat Liverpool. He also had the patience to finnish watching whole tennis matches. I never knew which tennis player was his favourite.He always thought before he spoke. He had a good tempermant just that sometimes the noise his grandchildren made would drive him crazy.
His passion was food. He loved to go on eating adventures. If it was food, it was never too expensive for him. Never. I remember him bringing me to some fancy restraunt even when it was only the 2 of us. I could order anything I fancied and drink any softdrink that I like. About soft drinks, he always favoured F&N orange. There is this coffeshop along East Coast road that served his favourite chilli and pepper crabs. He absoulty loved it there. Infact, one of his last few meals where he actually could eat alil more was there with his 5 daughters and wife. It proved to be the last time that he went there. Till now, my grandma cant really bring herself to go back there to savour the food.
He died on 7/7/99 of cancer. He only learnt of his condition a month before he died. That month was one of the most traumatising times in my family. He was only sick for such a short period before going away.
When he died, it was one of the hardest time for me. I couldnt comprehend alot of things. I couldnt understand why some relatives acted in some ways and I couldnt understand how much I was wrong about alot of things. When he gone away, I hated alot of stuff. But above all I hated religion almost religiously. I was adamant that never will i be bogged down and stepped over by this religion thing.
I remembered my teacher Ms Wang asking me "are you ok?" I said yes. But I never was. From that day, i hated religion and people associated with it. Especially people promoting it. Till now, things have hardly changed. That day, I lost respect for a few of my elder relatives ,never for them to regain it ever again. They are nothing but dirt in my eyes. I shudder to even speak to them. When I say 'hi' its bloody lip service and so hyprocitical that only an idiot would miss it.
The only reason I restrain myself is that I respect my grandma and she didnt like to see me fighting her own daughter , son-in-law and grandchildren.
Have I forgiven them for the thing they had done? No. I dont care if it was their idea of being good but sure as hell I know what they did was bad. Hate is such a strong word. Its also a word that I would use now.
Why am I bringing this up now? Cause 4 and a half years down the road, on a saturday morning. I finally understood what lil my grandpop was in their eyes. I now know. really. Now I hate them. I really do. Let me repeat it. I hate them. The only thing that is restraining me to curse them is that my grandma and other relatives still treat them as family. but still, i hate them.
Is it too much to ask, even if you are of another religion, to remember your father-in law and grandparent on that 1 or 2 days in a year?I use to think that my grandma is too soft, she never made attendance compulsory. But Now, I also get her point
Last saturday, we went to pay respect to my grandfather as CNY is approaching. I was subconciously taking attendance. I was betting who would and would not turn up. The Poh family never did. cept my grandfather's daughter. I shudder to have such an auntie. where were her children? I dont know. Where is her husband? Dead? God damn them. if there is one.
Remembering past times when I have gone to pay respect, I never remembered them ever visiting. Never, not once. Zlich. and what? asking my grandad to convert and believe in the lord and all that crap when he was dying. Pestering him to convert with promise that he will go to heaven. When he is dead, you all forget him. what the fuck is that? if that is not hyprocrisy, I dont know what is.
You all dont know how incredibabably angry I am. I'm in a foul mood this few days because of this incident. Its a bad way to recieve the new chinese calender year but I just cant stop feeling really angry. I'm writing this because I really care. This stirs me up. This makes me tick. This makes me so mad that I can just take a pipe to them. I cant change the way they think, but sometimes the temptation to change their looks really interests me. A smashed up nose, a swollen eye. something along that line. I'm dead serious. Dead serious.
Some old wounds heal the hard and painful way. Some people never forgive while some people never forget. I usually forgive but never forget. This time, i refuse to forgive and refuse to forget. Sometimes, somethings are just too much. Sometimes, it takes a long long time to blow up. Sometimes it takes a long long time to tell somepeople how you think. Sometimes its time to payback. Sometimes somethings are worth losing just to get back at people. Sometimes, I lose control on what I think about. Sometimes, I even lose control and do things that are calculated and thought out. Most of the time, I lose control when I want to. When I plan for it.
This time, is as good as any a time to start planning. I have waited for 4 and a half years. Its time I did something when most people are keeping quite. I swear I will.
If you all thought that i have forgiven and forgotten. You all were wrong. This time, I'm taking my baseball bat with me. As you all would say, may god bless you and have mercy on your soul. You better pray he really exist Cause sure as hell, I wont have any mercy left for you nor will I bless you.
I said I hated you all when I was 14. Now I'm 18 and a half and now I say I hate you. You better believe it. I hate you all.
My grandad came from china when he was a young child with his family. He went back when he was 18 but subsequently found that home in mainland china was not to his liking. So he came back alone against his father's wishes.
He came back, he studied. He married my grandma and he started working in a bank.
They had 5 children. All girls.
He worked hard, he didnt have much vices. He only liked to smoke and play a little mahjong when he had the free time. He also loved chinese chess. He was never really poor. He had sufficient means to bring up his family without my grandma ever working in her life. He paid for my grandma's driving lessons back then altho she never really passed. He didnt wanna learn cause he had silly accident driving a car when he was young and foolish. It actually rolled down a mountain!
He was a learned man. He could speak chinese, malay, english and most dialects reasonably well. But he was one of those whos english was very good. He read newspapers and magazines. He was always interested in shares too. He was the first one who told me about shares but back then, I didnt really understand.
He was a good father. His 5 daughters grew up to at least to hold teitiary certs and 2 daughters finnished university. He even spanked his own brother-in-law who bullied his daughters. He was never a strict disciplinarian sort. He was one of the more soft spoken ones.
He loved to sing and could really hold his own. He use to be in the school choir. He didnt really liked sports, perhaps except swimming. He loved liverpool Football club. Particulary John Barnes and Ian Rush, he also thought that cantona was great even when Man Utd beat Liverpool. He also had the patience to finnish watching whole tennis matches. I never knew which tennis player was his favourite.He always thought before he spoke. He had a good tempermant just that sometimes the noise his grandchildren made would drive him crazy.
His passion was food. He loved to go on eating adventures. If it was food, it was never too expensive for him. Never. I remember him bringing me to some fancy restraunt even when it was only the 2 of us. I could order anything I fancied and drink any softdrink that I like. About soft drinks, he always favoured F&N orange. There is this coffeshop along East Coast road that served his favourite chilli and pepper crabs. He absoulty loved it there. Infact, one of his last few meals where he actually could eat alil more was there with his 5 daughters and wife. It proved to be the last time that he went there. Till now, my grandma cant really bring herself to go back there to savour the food.
He died on 7/7/99 of cancer. He only learnt of his condition a month before he died. That month was one of the most traumatising times in my family. He was only sick for such a short period before going away.
When he died, it was one of the hardest time for me. I couldnt comprehend alot of things. I couldnt understand why some relatives acted in some ways and I couldnt understand how much I was wrong about alot of things. When he gone away, I hated alot of stuff. But above all I hated religion almost religiously. I was adamant that never will i be bogged down and stepped over by this religion thing.
I remembered my teacher Ms Wang asking me "are you ok?" I said yes. But I never was. From that day, i hated religion and people associated with it. Especially people promoting it. Till now, things have hardly changed. That day, I lost respect for a few of my elder relatives ,never for them to regain it ever again. They are nothing but dirt in my eyes. I shudder to even speak to them. When I say 'hi' its bloody lip service and so hyprocitical that only an idiot would miss it.
The only reason I restrain myself is that I respect my grandma and she didnt like to see me fighting her own daughter , son-in-law and grandchildren.
Have I forgiven them for the thing they had done? No. I dont care if it was their idea of being good but sure as hell I know what they did was bad. Hate is such a strong word. Its also a word that I would use now.
Why am I bringing this up now? Cause 4 and a half years down the road, on a saturday morning. I finally understood what lil my grandpop was in their eyes. I now know. really. Now I hate them. I really do. Let me repeat it. I hate them. The only thing that is restraining me to curse them is that my grandma and other relatives still treat them as family. but still, i hate them.
Is it too much to ask, even if you are of another religion, to remember your father-in law and grandparent on that 1 or 2 days in a year?I use to think that my grandma is too soft, she never made attendance compulsory. But Now, I also get her point
Last saturday, we went to pay respect to my grandfather as CNY is approaching. I was subconciously taking attendance. I was betting who would and would not turn up. The Poh family never did. cept my grandfather's daughter. I shudder to have such an auntie. where were her children? I dont know. Where is her husband? Dead? God damn them. if there is one.
Remembering past times when I have gone to pay respect, I never remembered them ever visiting. Never, not once. Zlich. and what? asking my grandad to convert and believe in the lord and all that crap when he was dying. Pestering him to convert with promise that he will go to heaven. When he is dead, you all forget him. what the fuck is that? if that is not hyprocrisy, I dont know what is.
You all dont know how incredibabably angry I am. I'm in a foul mood this few days because of this incident. Its a bad way to recieve the new chinese calender year but I just cant stop feeling really angry. I'm writing this because I really care. This stirs me up. This makes me tick. This makes me so mad that I can just take a pipe to them. I cant change the way they think, but sometimes the temptation to change their looks really interests me. A smashed up nose, a swollen eye. something along that line. I'm dead serious. Dead serious.
Some old wounds heal the hard and painful way. Some people never forgive while some people never forget. I usually forgive but never forget. This time, i refuse to forgive and refuse to forget. Sometimes, somethings are just too much. Sometimes, it takes a long long time to blow up. Sometimes it takes a long long time to tell somepeople how you think. Sometimes its time to payback. Sometimes somethings are worth losing just to get back at people. Sometimes, I lose control on what I think about. Sometimes, I even lose control and do things that are calculated and thought out. Most of the time, I lose control when I want to. When I plan for it.
This time, is as good as any a time to start planning. I have waited for 4 and a half years. Its time I did something when most people are keeping quite. I swear I will.
If you all thought that i have forgiven and forgotten. You all were wrong. This time, I'm taking my baseball bat with me. As you all would say, may god bless you and have mercy on your soul. You better pray he really exist Cause sure as hell, I wont have any mercy left for you nor will I bless you.
I said I hated you all when I was 14. Now I'm 18 and a half and now I say I hate you. You better believe it. I hate you all.
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