hang em high.


and i dont want to make things difficult for you.



I claimed that i didnt give a shit about what my friends say.

but jessie's imminent departure forced a new point of view on me.
I do.
I do give a big fuck about what my friends say.


No matter what they say, no matter how difficult to swallow.
I know, they have my best interest at heart.

whether its a misunderstanding or whatsoever that they had.

its not important anymore.

it wasnt important before anyway.

Looking at the whole mess from a bystander's point of view.
its very darn obvious.

They were there for me.
whether i needed it or not.
whether i was right or wrong.
whether if its fucken 3am in the morning.
and basically, very unfeelingly or not, they were just there.
like pillars.

and i wont pretend that i'm appreciative cos i really am.


and of cos. i didnt need you to be there.
and needless to say, i felt that you were never there.
just like how the goo goo dolls song went
"i thought i lost you somewhere, but you were really never ever there at all."

and now you are probably thinking "fuck you. vice versa."

and maybe you are not.
I hope not.

but in all fairness, i probably didnt know you enough.

cos if i did, i wouldnt have gone thru all that.

i didnt get anything out of it at all.
of cos one shouldnt expect anything in matters of the heart. cos its not morally right?

but on the other hand, one should expect everything there is to expect.
wrong?
but arnt you hard pressed to find a reason why its wrong?

if there isnt any expectation, i suppose there is no trust.

but sometimes its not the case.

there could be expectations. but no trust.

its like. i expect you to do something, but i dont trust you would do it.

and i should know.

and lets not even go to distrust. lets not go there.

"not revealing something does not equate telling a fucken lie"

and that is just fucken bollocks.



but as the story went along... what i felt was that,

its just a phrase of constant denial and setting even higher bars.

and it just escalates till the lies that you tell dont even seem like fucking lies but excuses to save oneself.
and that is supremely sad.

and so poor on the heart.
that a certain story's protaganist "oliver", pales in comparison
and thats a sick twist isnt it?


I would really like to look bad on everything and say that i came out a better person.

but its not easy.
it blew up alot of sandcastles that i had and i suppose i'll never look at some things the same way again. or at least for a long time.

nope. its hard.
even adding water does not soften it. its difficult.
The negatives just outweigh the positives so much.
david and goliath.
and in my story, david dies.
maybe its because i'm not christian. thats why.
and maybe thats why i have no faith too.
no more faith... ...


for one bought up the way i was.
i cant accept it. losing even when giving all.
if possible. i'd rather not play.
the way i see it...everyone plays to win.
no 2 ways about it.
and if you are a casualty on the way, so be it.
bad luck.
and most glaringly enough, maybe you just werent good enuff.
you didnt fucking cut it.

and you can hardly blame anyone for not cutting it.

i've accepted it way long time ago.
i didnt cut it.
not even close.

but i why did i keep to it?
because of my innate stubborness.
because i was anal retentive. still am.
because i wasnt smart enough.
because i'm me.
because of a myriad of reasons.

but maybe it didnt occur to her.
that its because she meant something to me.





but i'm fine nowadays.
i'm happier than before.
I got my friends around me.
well, fine, ok. jessie till saturday.

but my point is, after all this bullshit.
when you wanna cry. the first ones you cry too, will be the first ones who are there for you.

and they are the special people in your life.

and they are the same people that watch a movie with you, drink a cup of coffee with you, drag a stick with you and the ones who pick you up, dust you off and send you on your way.



and till i puke again.
adios.

Joy in a leather ball.

its a very simple kind of joy.

when there is the solid contact with that satisfying thud.

and you feel as tho you and the ball are one.

one entity.

and all you want to do at the point of time. is to send it where you want it to go.

correction.

and all you are at best trying to do at that point of time is to send it where you want it to go.

Into goal or to your team mates feet.

And in that instant. Nothing really matters. girls, money, whatever.
It ceases to matter.

Nothing else matters.

Once that ball hits the net. Or becomes that all important pass that leads to a goal.
You feel gratification. Instantly. Elation even.

But even when it does not become what you want it to.
When there is a semblence of your intention in your actions.
When there is a semblence of your intention in the ball's direction.
When the ball goes really close to its intended target only not to hit it.
Not all is down trodden and depressing.

An encouraging smile, abit of applause, a thumbs up.
Can provide, a emotion close to a feeling that you wanted to achieve in the first place.

Its a simple kind of joy.

It really is.