Sometimes, I really feel that its a wonder.

that I have survived the greater part of 23 years despite not being able to take care of myself.

I cannot take care of myself.

Simply put, I am just useless at taking care of myself. =[

no good. no good.

Got to learn.

the problem is when you conflict between emotions of anger and serenity.

I swear, it drives you nuts. You are so angry that you are steaming, smoke pouring out of your ears. Yet, at the same time, that same consciousness is begging, asking for calmness, peace and coherent thought.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it that I want or lack.

To make me feel whole, complete and happy.

I see the world in cynical tones, black , white and tones of gray.
It isn't just right or wrong, most times its just clear calculative premeditation.

The world isn't red, orange or yellow. Most times, its just grey areas of moral and ethical decisions speckled with black and white areas of habitual decision making.

Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? God? Your fellow human being? Or your own consciousness?

The general decision making process of a cynic usually involves weighing the pros and cons in each given circumstance before making a decision based on his/her conscious mindset. There usually isn't much room for emotions, instinct or social-norm rights/ wrongs before arriving at a decision.

Sometimes, my own unfeeling scares me. Sometimes, I seem to question myself "Where have your moral conscience gone too?"

I cant explain why I feel this way sometimes.

I see the world and people for what they are. Most times, I opt to see the worst of people. Their ugly sides. "WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT FROM ME?" All they do is take.

I weigh my interpersonal relationships by the principal of quid pro quo.

Something for something.

What would I do for him/ her?
What would he/she do for me?

In this manner, all becomes clear.

I could and would do so much for people.

I could and would do so little for some people. In times, I might even do things to make them lesser of people.

Yes, sometimes I am bitter like that.
I like my revenge. I like it served cold.

Sometimes, if I am honest with myself, I perhaps even enjoy hurting people that I despise. Hurtfully, with a gesture, a word, a blatant disregard. Sometimes, I wonder why people hurt others and most times I understand. I put it down to a primal need of human beings to gloat, look down and lord over others.

Sometimes I feel, in this day of love homogeneity, everything that is made up to be is just full of hot air and bullshit.
Lets face it, people HATE other people for one reason or another. Most times, we just dont have the guts and balls to act on it. Most times, we even act like we like that person just cause we are fucking pussys with no fucken balls. God, grow some nuts.


But at least, in consolation, my line is very clear. To me, either you are worth loving, or you are are not worth care, concern or even humility.


However, with that being said, some people in my life, I have trouble making my mind up on. Do they fly above the line? or do they drown below it?

I like you. I like you enough. But I suppose you want something from me which I am unwillingly to give. I know you will use force to get what you want out of me, I am prepared for that. But I just wont give.

I give more than I ask for. But sometimes, it just comes to a point, with people firmly entrenched below the line. I give no more because if you look beneath you, you were never prepared to give as much as you could take.

I elect not to waste my time with people like that, even when it may be detrimental to my own state of being. I am stubborn like that. Obstinate to a fault.



I want to be as big a person as I can be. But very clearly, I see my limits and know them. I cannot be that nice guy that gives and gives and gives and gives without saying a word.

Given enough, I will say something. Harsh. Cutting. Not necessarily to the point.









its odd. How people think that I dont know that they are reading or have read.

What I write, might not be the gospel, but its what I feel.
I pull no punches nor do I take any.

Lay the hurt if you have too. I dont really give a shit.

560th post.

The question is startling simple.

its just a choice between 2 entities.

Both brilliant on its own but impossible to put together.

putting both together can only result in disaster.

But I will try and alga-mated both special intricacies and characteristics.


The special 2. Which would you choose?



Bacon or Cake?



or would you rather have, a bacon cake?



Proof that life isnt simple. Where two items, special on their own fail to come together and create something even more fantastic.

Bacon and Cake.

Which will you choose?

Dedicated to you proff harrison,










a big FUCK YOU from me.

A heart, that is filled up like a landfill.
A job that slowly kills you.
Bruises that wont heal.
You look so tired, unhappy.
I'll take a quiet life.
A handshake of carbon monoxide.

No alarms and surprises.
Silence. Silence.

Radiohead - No Surprises.




Seriously, for all the problems I am having with the school administration, at this point of time, it doesnt seem to bother me.

I don't know what it is but I finally am finding the peace and contentment that I seem to have misplaced along they way while spending months overseas.

I am not sure if its the people, the places or the time.

It just seems......everything just seems, sort of.....ok?

It doesnt matter if this doesnt work, it doesnt matter if this doesnt go my way, but at this point of time, everything seems perfectly fine.

everything, amazingly, seems to work. or maybe I am just calmer now.


Ok, having problems with the uni. Ok its ok. It'll all work out in the end. Just stay calm.

I want to buy a new camera today, but everywhere is out of stock. Ok, its ok. Stock will come and prices might even fall.

Parents tell me that I need to take my own dinner 5 mins before dinner time and I have no company at such short notice. No problems, I'll head out on my own. happy.

No more smokes. It's 3 am. No worries, mai kan cheong, take a walk, breath the air, walk to the petrol kiosk. No biggie.

You cant make the dinner we made plans for? No problem, reschedule, just call me. ( Eileen, looking at you. haha)

Shit, we lost that round on the xbox? its ok, NEXT ROUND LETS TRY AGAIN!


Things like that used to bother me. But not anymore. I can't explain why, but they just don't.




I don't even pay particular attention to how much money I have. As long as I have enough, I think I'm ok.


I am eating more than usual. Today at dinner, I ate 2 bowls of rice. First time in a long time.

I'm able to sleep quite abit more than I'm customarily used too. Waking at 1, 2pm seems almost.....fun!

Overall, I think I am just simply, happier.
Being more honest with people and things around me, not having to be on my guard all the time seem to have bought tranquility at this point of time.


I think I also am becoming a little more bothered and interested in things. I've been itching to go out and taking some photographs. I'm starting to feeling an incredibly urge to just camp out and the cinemas. I think I just want to live. As fully as I can. I am in the mood. An incredibly good mood.

I've realised I've been talking more than I have been. It has become easy to speak my mind while being totally at ease with no fear of repercussions.

I think maybe, I might even have found my long lost mojo.


I laugh out loud, heartily when I watch comedies.

It is so fucking refreshing.

I've been so good, I've even thought of calling people that I've ignore and talking to them. To see how they are, if they are happy, living well and contented. and if I'm feeling brave, even ask them out for a drink. A look see. A how have you been doing talk between drinks and smokes.

It's very very odd.

But like I said, its suddenly, just bloody interesting.

I've been reading! Yes! Books oh glorious books. Old books, written in the early 1900s. Amazing.
Books fill your soul. Sorry souls who dont have their souls filled need to get them filled. Full of books.

Today I went for dinner with kris and desmond came along for coffee at starbucks. Rolling good times. We talked about guy stuff and god it was engaging. It's been a long time. But the conversations since I have been back have been extra special this time round. On many occasions, i have had conversations that have gone through the night till the early hours.


If I might say so myself, 3,4 months of sour dour me have evaporated over the past 2 weeks. I feel, invigorated, revitalised.


Here, I must apologise. The past 3,4 months, I have been quite the dull blunt instrument. Almost maniac depressive. But I am alright now. I am good.

maybe its true. Maybe the turn about came from the simple things.

Jess sent me an sms that day and I reckon she hit the nail right on the head.

it read:

"Honestly, I am happy for you now that you have time away and are happily out there vesting your heart in greater people and things that are more whorthwhile."

Yes, I think like most times, she is right this time as well.

Sometimes, I am so incredibly crass that I surprise myself.

but, I like it. 

Does my avatar look like me?












I hope it does!

I'm home.

I really need to play harder.

I suppose I have not been on top form.
My health seems to be stopping me. I seem to be quite sickly these days.

Landed to parents berating me on my general appearance.
Wrecked.

face too long.
Loss to much weight.
Eye bags too dark.
Looked like i havent slept in days.

Looking like a 32 year old.

Not harshly but worryingly. They weren't harsh, they were worried.

Prior to me writing this entry, I was actually in bed trying to sleep.

I'm currently nursing a ravaging headache.
Might be due to the fact that i stayed up the whole night last night at seth's.
Fooling around with guitar hero world tour. It was good to see some familiar faces.
It was good to be the youngest of the bunch again.

The company I had understood my needs, my quirks and my bouts.
Among those people present, people like muizz, linn and seth are among the first people I run too when I hit brick walls.

The last semester, when I hit certain low points, it was people like them that picked me up, shooked me, slapped me and sent me on my way.

I suppose words cannot describe how thankful and grateful I am for the people I keep close to my heart.
It's not their privilege to be in my confidence, its my privilege to be able to trust them in confidence.

I bare my soul. I tell my worries. I explain my fears.


and then it soft of dawned on me.


the difference between them and everyone else.





You know whats fundamentally flawed in the first place?
Was that I misplaced certain expectations on others.

While I placed my mistrued ideas of what should need or should have been done infront of others, i never did put those expectations or obligations that I might have of others infront of me.

While I expected to know everything and anything, I didnt for once expect or think to offer my fair share of an exchange.

I prefer to keep things to myself, prefer to keep my own council, space and privacy. I dislike people walking into my physical space and dislike it even more when they probe into my life.

No wonder.


How would I have let you into my life, when I didn't even let you into my room?










I see through people. Very early on.
I know when certain people are not good for me and yet I plough through them without a thought.

I see friends.
Proclaimed to be best of friends.
I see through the lies they tell each other.
I look through the sugar, honey coated words they have for each other.
I see the disdain, the dislike and the dishonesty among them.

I see inequality, blatant ripping off. of hearts, money, thoughts and friendship.
I see one thing while I hear another.

These friends, are not friends but have a relationship of convenience.

For one party's sake. I hope she/he sees through the veil.

I once asked very pointedly.
if they had a friendship of equal respect, affection and expectations.

The other party replied in the negative. Stating that the friendship that he/she has to offer far outweighs anything that the other party can offer. That any additional effort, affection from the other party is only natural.
"After all, she/he knows that my friendship is worth it."


fuck you.
fuck no.
so wrong in every way.


If you read this, i hope you know that I am talking about you. I am not hoping to sow discord. I just hope for you to see through things. While I have, in my own subtle ways, tried to lead you along with questions and certain actions to reach this conclusion, I reckon you may have taken things in the wrong way. I wont be too bothered if you had or had not talked about it, or told on me. Thats not my point or even the point.
My point back then and now is the same.

I had hoped that you got more than what you had. I had hoped that you were cherished more than you had.

I didnt say what I had to say in the bluntest and most honest way only because it wasn't my business to do so. To have done so, would have been grossly misappropriate.

You hide certain things for her/him and she does the same to you.
Think about it, while both of you are blessdly ignorant of these transgressions, A 3rd party knows all about them. How inapt?

A split is not a good idea. An honest assesment is.

I've said what I wanted to say. I got off what I wanted to get off my chest.
Its not my business in the least but I want you to have better. Not due to any other reason other than perhaps, I look at you as a friend. You might not know it, but I have been more honest to you then the other person ever has been. and yet, you tell all without really knowing at all.

a pity.

It's just that its delicate.

We might kiss, when we are alone.

nobody is watching, might take you home.

We might make out, when no bodies there.

Its not that we're scared, its just that its delicate.

So why do you fill my sorrow?

With the words you borrow?

From the only place you've know.

We might make love, in some sacred place.

The look on your face....... is delicate.

and why you sing hallelujah? if it means nothing to ya.

Why'd you sit with me..... at all....

We might live, like never before.

When there is nothing to give, how can we ask for more?

Why you sing hallejuah, if it means nothing to ya?

Why'd you sing with me...at all?

Damien Rice - Delicate

It's little wonder how things can be mangled beyond recognition with little to no effort/time.

Willful negligence? Yes sir, guilty as charged.

Take me away.

Lets hope time can solve differences. Because to be honest, I don't know what else I can offer without bending over my back and breaking it.

Haunting


































I cant remember much of the room.

I was sitting on a bed watching television in a darkened room. I think the sheets were dark purple. Almost a burgundy.

There was a girl lying down beside me under the covers. She was laying on her side with her back towards me so I couldn't see her face.

I saw something stupid on the telly and remarked to her.

"Babe, look at that, thats ridiculous"

She didnt respond.

So I got up and walked over to her side of the bed.

I cant exactly remember how she looked like. But I do recall that she had hair cut pretty short, it was jet black and quite disheveled. She had a very sharp chin.

Her eyes were a mess. Blood shot from brawling her eyes out, swollen with mascara smudged all over. Her face was tear streaked. I cannot forget how those eyes looked like. Bright red, streaked black at the side from make up. Sadness and perhaps with a hint of accusation.

I asked her what was wrong.

She replied very simply.

"You."






I hate dreams. I got this one when I took a nap just now. No, I didnt take any medication nor intoxicating substances before I went off to bed.

I hate dreams. They make me think too much.
I'm suppose to be studying but I really needed to get this off my chest.
I hope it'll make me feel better later. But I doubt it.

Is this a sign of my impending failures as a proper companion, friend and soul mate?

I hope not.

on the other hand, I think I need to stop listening to stuff like Death Cab for Cutie. too damn fucking depressing.

I dont understand nor am able to grasp this. Why am I so affected by things that are not even real? Am I losing it?

Friday cant come soon enough. I'm eager to head back but haunted at the thoughts of visiting visiting grandma and all the other trepidation's I have when I head home for holidays. 

This evening, mum dropped the following hint over the phone. She might think it was subtle but I'm sharper than that.

"Don't be too shocked when you see her. She hasn't been in the best shape."

What mum really means is that gramps is in shockingly bad health. In a very steep decline over a very short period of time.

If I was the praying sort, I would. 

But I'm not.

While the fear is very real, the worrying is furtile. 

At this point of time, I'm not really sure what it is that will set my heart and head at ease. 

Lets hope that home does the trick this time.

Because in many ways, I need it more than ever.

Really, more than fucking ever. 

Pictorial. Fun.




















































oh yes. fun and happy.

I set about thinking about the times that I was truly happy.

I looked through numerous photos on the archive that I have inevitably built up over the years.

I have actually meant to do my post entirely with pictures. However, blogger doesnt seem to want to cooperate at this point. Thus I suppose I will try again tomorrow and see if the technology decides to work with me.

So there I was sitting infront of my screen, looking through photos that bookmarked events through happy times. In which I was truly care-free, honest and at peace. There seem to be a recurring theme among the photos.

Events like road trips, dinners, walks and general tom foolery in yesteryears bought more than a smile to my face.

It almost seems that the older I grow, the less happy times I seem to have. Invariably, this is abit depressing of cos. However, I believe there are perfectly valid reasons as to the lack of carefree joy. 

While people always talk about their time in secondary school as the best time ever in their lives, I find myself firmly entrenched in memories of polytechnic. Where the people I met mashed with the circumstances in which I met them have spawned a special relationship that I sometimes am at a loss of words for.

Of cos, people move on and so have I. I have of cos made new friends, very good friends in times after I left my tertiary education. 

I reckon it is all bubbling along at a fine pace in where I meet people who share the same ethos and ideas of camaraderie, fraternity and loyalty.

Obviously, I seriously hope for much treasured companionship to follow. But with that being said, I am pretty well off in this department at this juncture.

I suppose its just a big shame that people whom I cherish are so physically far away.

But such is life and what can we do except to soldier on without pause.

While I look at past events of laughter, fun and meaningful conversations, I also keenly remind myself that while these people have been a pillar of support, some of the people whom I never have imagined speaking too are also lending their support in their own little ways.

The lack of meaningful conversation (strictly in my own opinion) here forces me to resort to other means such as MSN. While I loathe MSN with a passion when I feel the need to hear an human voice, I understand its uses.

I suppose, there is nothing more assuring when someone messages you "heh whats up" when you are at the computer. In the very least, you know that someone is thinking of you in that instance and affording you the attention that in our very very busy life, is a luxurious commodity.

I know I am going off a tangent, I find it hard to put down in words the thoughts that are sort of wavering around in my mind. But I try, like I do, I always try.

and why am I still up. cause i still hear shrieking. and the break of dawn is already peering thru my curtains. 

I shall take my last cigarette for the night and head off to bed. 

To my loves, much love.

I was actually asleep.

Quite fitfully, but asleep non the less.

and now, I am awake.

it could be the bed, it could be the weather, it could be the myriad of intoxicants in my head.

but its not.

Nutter's medical Diary.

its more of a children-nitis idiotilities problem. its a very serious illness found in certain specimens of the human species.

It usually shows up as a childhood ailment and the patient would usually outgrow it right after the completion of puberty.

However, not all will grow out of this illness and such symptoms found persistent in grown adults are now classified and specified as stupidis adultilities.

Such illness are classified as highly dangerous and sadly, contagious. However, the unique trait of this illness it its contagious nature is that it affects only cross gender subjects. Thats to say, a female can only affect a male and a male can only affect a female.

This illness oddly does not affect homosexual couples.

- end -

regards

Dr. Nutter

Who I Want to Meet:
Someone you can never be or claim to be.

Macintosh Users

Pretty Girls and Clever Boys.
I like my girls to be artistic.
for them to be able to draw, paint and take a mean photograph.
for them to be stylish.
to be avant garde.
to be different.
to have an attitude.
to be able to debate, think critically.
to listen to radiohead instead of being a pop head.
Rocket Queen.

Does he...

know about the world?

about the pain that unrequited love brings?

the difference between a wild bender and quite comfort?

about contentment?

about joy, peace and satisfaction?

about the delicate taste of powered sugar on an hard drink?

about writing?

love for the written word?

eloquence?

wit?

camaraderie , fraternity?

bravery?

honesty?

intelligence?

sensitivity?

the bitter taste of espresso?

the alluring meaning of companionship?

the obnoxious and selfish feeling which is love?

the arrogance that is self confidence?

the intoxicating blend of lust, attraction and love?

the eyes behind the shades that hide the haunting?

sleeplessness?

frustration?

fear?

does he know?

No he doesnt.

He has no clue.

Blood, sex, gore and violence.

Christ.

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

I feel so empty. It felt so empty. It was so empty.

Oh fuck you.

but to be fair, on hindsight, fuck me too.

I am destructive

All my assignments have been done, submitted and accounted for.

And because I am bored, I suddenly have the time for nefarious thoughts, evil schemes and confused brooding.

I furrow my brows when I don't have much to think about. 

I grind my teeth when I close my eyes.

I pull my blanket tighter around myself then I have too.

I smoke more than I need too.

I drink when I don't have too.

Yes, I have been snogging the vodka bottle when no one is looking. and the beer. and the this and the that.

I want to go home. 3 more weeks and I am literally turning my brain into mush.

I want to speak to shawn, luwin, muizz, fn, kenny, susan, linn, goldie, eileen, mini and so much more.

Speak as in talk to a real human being. I hate msn. I hate non eye contact.

I want to laugh over dinner. I want to tear over smokes. I want to talk over rubbish oil laden food served up by greasy indian men. I want comfort. I want honesty. I want spontaneous, heartfelt words. I want to laugh till I fucking cry.

I want familiarity. I want companionship. The dirty, raucous, rowdy and familiar kind that I miss so much.

For a moment, I thought I found companionship.  I was proved wrong. But thats an admission on my part, no fault of the other.  Sitting here with a smoke and a drink, I realised what it was, was a mistake. I feel guilty as hell. I substituted something with another. I thought it would be better. I thought it would unlock the hell. and it did. like a fire cracker squibbing out in the rain. 

I took a leap of faith. I landed on a hard concrete slab. The side walk of life. My skull and brains, a smashed up heap of mess, like blood on the floor of an abattoir. 

Here is a song, it reminds me while we were young. A track on repeat, a re-harsh of my greatest fuck ups.

She didnt stir me like how she did.

I find myself looking a mess. The mess on the floor. Sloppy, wet, slippery and gory.

Blood, violence, sex and gore.

I speak to myself alot. 

I seem to be finding solace and conversation with myself. I drive myself barking mad talking to myself. I frustrate myself by not being able to stop comparing. I beat myself into a level so low, that I can hardly believe the things that I am doing.

I find so much phony-ness around me. I throw my I love you's without meaning them. I throw my attention and caring like its worth something when it actually is worth god pillock all.

I find myself pointing out the hypocrites who are all around me. I find myself looking at these people, sitting on their fucking high pony judging me, sneaking behind my back, talking in hushed tones. But fuck you. Fuck them so bad. They are little. So little. If a sentient being took them away this instant, I would not shed a fucking tear.

Fuck you and all your constant gossiping. Fuck you and all your wanting to know about dirt. Fuck you cant you stop shoving your nose into another person's life because you are fucking unwelcome.

and suddenly, very abruptly I realised, all that I have been pointing out, has had been obvious in me. 

While they are hypocrites, I am the one who is fucked up.

Why cant i get with the program? Why cant I be like them? Why cant I be scum like them? WOULDNT IT MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR MYSELF?

I talk about things that I have no interest in. I pretend to be what I am not. I find myself lying constantly to keep up with appearances.

God, I am fucking messed up.

Things that didnt matter in the past, like winning, now seem to take on a whole new level. A bad game at poker means I'm sully for the rest of the night. It is not even the money. i dont even know what it is. But I feel it at the root of my mind. Pushing me. Daring me. Forcing me. 

I screamed at a friend at go-karting. I wanted to bash his face in.  I wanted to cut his head off. I wanted to shoot him with a gun. and shoot him again. I wanted to stomp his head onto the track. I wanted to reach in and pull all his guts out. i wanted to stab him with a spoon. All because he nudged my kart.

I won. I beat 7 other guys. To step up there and say, today, among them , I am the best. I was the fastest, the best. 

I stood there and all I saw was faces that I didnt recognise. Laughs that I didnt use to hear.

The thrill , satisfaction, non existent. All that seem to be there, was emptiness, cold, still and silent. I didnt know what I was doing there.

That day, it wasnt fun that I felt. It was a need. 

The marshall said that I seemed more intent on killing myself then to win. 

I won, but I didnt manage to kill myself.

I chased an invisible and invincible opponent like my life depended on it. I breath heavily into my helmet, my breath condensing on the visor. I hardly notice the tinted glass of my aviators infront of me. All I hear in my ears are the blood rushing in my head, my veins. All I feel is the rumble of the road beneath me. I was intent on turning my teeth into ivory dust. I let out a blood curling scream at the top of my lungs that no one heard above the roar of the engines and the noise of the wind.

I wanted blood.

I am not competitive. I am clinically insane.

This 2 months, it feels like having really bad sex with a lady whom I hate. I hate her so much, but I need her. Its my primal need that stops me from stopping.

Why do I beat myself up so much?

Why do I seem abusive?

On the outside. I smile. I sneer. I mock.

on the inside, I am just burnt. 

I dont know why I am like that.

I try to look after myself. 

I am not even tired nowadays.

I get enough sleep, I eat enough.

It is odd. In feeling so well, I have never felt this bad.

I feel so messed up I cant even laugh at myself like I used too.

I feel like crying. So bad. 

Strong men cry, stronger men weep.

But at this point of time, I'm quite sure I'm not the stronger man, nor do I even think I am the strong one.

I feel so very fustrated and fucked.

If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud?


hard, uncompromising.

Thats what I told lish today.



Well its a half truth, the fact of the matter is that sometimes, I dont compromise, I just give in, I just give it all.


and all, is perhaps just more than you can take.



If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud?
Or would you hide behind them all?
'Cause if I have to go,
In my heart you'll grow
And that's where you belong...

note to self:

fuck everything else. save for your new dslr. no more gadgets, no more crap. save your money.

After the grandprix

every tom , dick and harry now reckons that they are an expert.





well fuck you tom, dick and harry.

fuck off.

you aint in the know or nor are you glamourise just cause you have attended the race.

and you know what?

fuck you again!

you dont know one end of the flappy paddle gear box from the other.

FUCK YOU!

Am I a smaller person for it?

Sometimes I wonder, if I am backsliding into a lesser person.
Sometimes I wonder, if I did the right thing.

I am not the sort to avoid problems, preferring to get them out into the open as early as I can.

But somehow, I've been putting on an avoidance cap. It irks me.

Am I a littler person because of the choice I made.

I should have.
I would have.

But I didnt.

I suppose I was just being a gigantic prick. Or maybe what little ego I had, came out and ruled the day.
I cant exactly remember what I did that day, I just remembered keenly what i didnt do.

At this point, it doesnt seem to make much sense.

its been about 2 months since that day in which i chose to avoid instead of confront.
and till now, every other day goes by with me asking myself, "you douche bag, you should have."

am I a smaller person not to reciprocate the grace that has comed my way? Even if the source was suitably undesirable?

It wasnt something I wanted, infact, it was something that i absolutely wished didnt happen.



It used to be simple. I just plain denied existence. plain denied history.

i did that because it worked. It actually worked really well. I was happier. I was oblivious. Phony, yes. but I was loving it.


But like I said, it gnaws at me really often. My transgressions.

I should be better than this. I should be a better person. I should have showed more grace. I should have been more generous. I should have been less selfish. I should have put down my grudges, my misforgivings and my doubts.


As truly, nothing defines a person more than the acts that he undertakes.


Maybe you all thought I have walked away.
I thought I did.

But I didn't.
It's not doing me any good, but it's not doing me any harm.

Grace, for grace I shall stay...
Numbed, yes.

But for grace, I shall stay.

There is a starman, living in the sky, he thinks he know us and that he will blow our minds.





I suppose sub conciously, I have not been blogging on purpose.

With msn wonky the past couple of hours, I finally got down to writing something.

But its now almost 6 in the morning and I have been sitting here infront of my screen since 5.

I have smoked a couple of smokes, chugged down a can of pepsi and am now on a glass of ligonsaft from ikea.

usually, with such mind probing substances, I would be bursting at the seams with thoughts to pen down.

But not tonight.

Everything I feel like putting down, just doesnt seem suitable for consumption. Its odd.


you know what, I'd just end here.

and oh, i got a magazine/ website/ blog writing gig that pays a few dollars.
lets hope it works out.

I dont know your face no more.

or feel the touch, that I adored.

We might as well be strangers in another time.

We might as well be living in a different world.

We might as well.

We might as well be strangers now.

I dont know your thoughts these days.

We are strangers in an empty space.

I dont understand your heart.

Its easier, to be apart.

We might as well be strangers.

For all I know, all of you now.

But still, if you murmur, sigh, point or just ask.

and if no one is beside when your soul embarks, I will follow you into the dark.

Hello world.

i must apologise for the long-ish sojourn.

The past 4 weeks have been pretty hectic.

The last week of vacation back home always is.

The first few weeks of uni are always tough.

Add to the equation of me falling pretty ill, it has been a tough couple of weeks.

This new semester bought about some changes. Mostly good. The old house mates are gone and ken is now my new house mate. We are getting another new fellow to share our place and lets hope that all goes well.

Having ken over here, has sort of destroyed the semblance of routine which I use to have. I am not saying that its a bad thing, I am just saying that its a different thing.

I have had to get used to having more people around me all the time. Nowadays, there is hardly a day where I can get through with little or no conversation like in the past when I lived alone or when I lived with house mates whom I barely acknowledged.

Most of the time, I dont mind the extra company. Ken and his various friends are pretty interesting and I dont mind hanging out with them.

But sometimes I find myself hankering after the quiet peaceful times that I used to have. I find myself barely having the time to read a good book, barely the opportunity to sit down, sniff the coffee and look at the seconds on my watch tick by like I used to.

I am not saying that I am not grateful for company, but with the huge amount of school work that is currently occupying my time, add to the huge number of social activities that I am expected to take part in, it has been difficult for me to find some solitude.

If I am not studying, I am out having fun. If I am not doing those things, I am just dog tired that I need to rest.

I like having fun. I like having a busy life style, but perhaps from the start, I should have known that I am, perhaps different from most.

I need alot of down time. I need alot of solitude and what I really need is alot of reflection for focus, peace and contentment.

At this point of time, I must make it abundantly clear that the company that I find myself in at current times seem to be a whole lot of fun.

The talk is cheerful and mostly engaging. But like most interpersonal relationships that I really cherish, the element of "quiet comfort" seem to be lacking.

While no fault of anyone or anything, I realise that its something that is innate and really, not something that can be nurtured or cultivated.

In this aspect, I find myself constantly frustrated with the inane need to keep up with appearances and social niceties.

Maybe its this company, that is digging a chasm in my head. I dont blame this new company, but this company keenly reminds me of how much I really miss my friends.

If I didnt have to talk all the time, i wouldnt be reminded of the talks we have had.

If i didnt have to laugh all the time, I wouldnt be reminded of all the jokes we share.

I find myself telling the new company about the gags and shit that happened with people that they dont know at all.

I find myself going ,laughing harder than ever, at things that have transpired for such a long time. But yet, the new experiences and people that I seem to be meeting, have just left a "meh" impression on me.

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of bed.

The house was empty.

I sat in the balcony smoking a quiet cigarette.

and then it hit me, at that point of time, I felt so homesick.

I miss the humid and hot weather, I miss the people and I miss my family.

I miss my quiet comforts.

On days like these, I seriously really wonder, how much mental gymnastics I must endure before all that is tough is gonna transpire.

An update.

I am still home on holiday.

Flying back to brisbane on the 27th.

Results for school are decent.

So yes.

I am still alive. But abit confused. exactly confused with what, that part I'm still confused about.

Qian. Out.

I am a paintball god.

They cant see me.

They cant hit me.

I am a paintball god.

CLICK HERE FOR GREATNESS

Yes. Size matters.
and if you think it didnt matter, you are just delusional.
but sometimes, too big makes you look many many stupids.

Just like this.

Been on repeat. repeat. repeat.

Brett Dennen's fantastically well written song.

Aint't No Reason

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday


Preachers on the podium speaking of saints
Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing
You can spend your whole life working for something,
Just to have it taken away

People walk around pushing back their debts
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
Talking 'bout nothing, not thinking 'bout death
Every little heartbeat, every little breath

People walk a tight rope
On a razor's edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence

There ain't no reason
Things are this way
It's how they've always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why I say the things that I say
But I say them anyway
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep on building bombs, gonna drop them all
Working your fingers bare to the bone
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul
Like a lung it's filled with coal, suffocating slow
The wind blows wild and I may move
But politician's lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no razor or a three piece suit
To argue the truth
The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and commotion wherever I go
Love I try to follow

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way,
We do it everyday

Click to get the full image.

Each of our unique traits drawn with ms paint.

i am of cos, the elephant hunter!

can I just say.

that its been a extremely fucked up 23rd birthday.

and I am feeling alot of angst and i fucking feel like bashing the shit out of something.


Fuck.


i cant really remember the last time I got so fucking pissed off over the smallest of things.

Came in the Mail


abit battered, but it survived. the customs opened it up. wanks.

Shawn and Goldie's idea of a joke. 

Look!

Print awesomeness

                                                                                     

so the lists stands
1. Bought for myself a Canon G9.
2. Ken sent me some nerdy geeky electronics stuff.
3. Shawn & Goldie sent some Print loving.


Whats next?

This is the clue.

most people bring it along, some dont as they can do without, usage differs from individual to individual and its considered an essential. the places which provide it are aplenty.

It is thin, colourful, produces sounds and has more functions than an iPhone.
it has nothing to do with microsoft.

It may or may not be a gadget.
But most certainly, its not cash.


So seriously, what can it be?
Please tell me if you have a clue.

i doubt its an mobilephone anyway. it cant be a pda cause it has nothing to do with Microsoft. i doubt its a palm pilot too.


I hate surprises when its not really a surprise. but a slow torment that gnaws on you as you prepare to turn in for the night.

my family is FUCKING devious.

and guess what, i can only get my grubby hands on it when i get back. cause they arnt posting it. and they refuse to tell me why.

Yessssssssssss.
The Special One is in the house.

Neil Neil drew this for me.

I AM THE ELEPHANT HUNTER SUPREMO!

KINGKANGKONG AND HIS ELEPHANT GUN!

Please get a driver's license.

"you need to learn how to drive."

"son, get your license, we'll buy you a car."

"thats why you need a car."

"ALL GUYS should get their license by the time they are 23." (slightly contentious remark made by a starfish.)



Erh.......no?


Why dont I want to learn how to drive?

firstly, the process is anal retentive both in singapore and australia.

In singapore, after a quick check on the web, it seems that you need to book your theory tests 6 months in advance.
Which sounds bollocks to me. i mean, even the registration for GCE O lvls didnt take that long.

In australia, or queensland at least, you need to hold your L for a period of 12 months. which seems an incredibably long time to me.


But those are the superficial reasons as to why I'm not exactly enthused about learning to drive.

First things first, just to set things straight. i LOVE cars.

I think they are marvellous pieces of technology.

I have BBC's topgear website on my bookmarks and i click the refresh button zealously after every few hours.

really, I love cars and can rattle on and on about the virtues of a V6 and how the new Challenger looks so amazing but only worth it if you get the yet to be launched version with the pistol shaped grip shift.


But driving..........i dont think so.


Firstly, if I was able to drive, i dont think I will exactly fall into the category of safe drivers.
Not only that, I would probably fall into the category of aggressive drivers who would be prone to road rage.
I have no qualms at flicking the bird when I am a passenger in a car, i cant imagine how I would behave if i am put behind the wheel.

Then there is the little problem about car ownership.

I can see myself pouring too much money into a car if I could drive.
I dont think that will be wise. really. not wise at all.


Then, there is the environment. I am no tree hugger, but am aware that I will contribute in saving the environment if I consciously decide to utilise public transport. Considering the amount of damage that I do to the environment with cigarettes, i reckon not driving would help.



Then again, I dont suppose those are really strong factors that cause me disinterest with driving.
so what is it?

Very simply that, taking the public transport is just fucking fantastic and interesting.

Most will dismiss public transport just because its public transport.
But even here in brisvegas, where a good public transport system seems to almost be a taboo subject, i find little nuggets on my commutes that keeps me going back to the trains, buses and that keeps me away from motorcars.

There is just so much to see on a bus, so much to contemplate on a train and so much to discover just by walking that few kilometers.


Its just different I suppose.
Different folks, different strokes.

I suppose I am the kind of person who would forego convenience in exchange for an experience.


Take into consideration rising petrol prices, expensive parking charges and your myriad of taxes and expenses that would be incurred with ownership of a car, I suppose I will just stay away.

and oh, a drivers license now will cost approximately 2 thousand dollars in our current climate.

just off the top of my head, I can think of at least 5 different better ways of spending that money.


and seriously, zhng-ing car talk and crap, that alot of guys my age seem to be obsessed with, bores me.

because my idea of a fast car is an Audi R8, not a vtecrap honda.

Somewhat pretentious for someone who doesnt drive right?

eh.....no, again. but why I disagree with this, i have blogged about previously. So I shall not reharsh on what I have written before.







but then, some would ask, what about riding a motorcycle?

My god, thats another story.

I would pay to learn and pay to own a bike.

Cause riding a motorcycle......... that, you have to try for yourself.

I just want to say.

that.


the Audi R8 v12 TDi takes my breathe away.

and

that the Alfa Romeo Brera knocks me off my feet.

How do they make cars like these?


My god.

too beautiful.

Look what the shitheadpostal boys bought in!
straight from Singapore! PAR AVION OK!










seeing my bday is in a months time, here is my address where all packages and contraband can be sent to!




























so whats in th bag?!

YESSSS.... ITS THE GTA4 FROM SINGAPORE. COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED AND DEFINITELY UNCENSORED! AUSSIE VIDEO GAMES SUCKKKKK. singapore video games goooooood!

yaozza die happy.
yesterday handed up assingment. free for one week. no school today.
I'm gonna knock myself out on shooting cops and banging hoes!


thanks to the dudes back home that I got GTA4.
fantastic fellas them! rocks.
muizz im coming to waste your ass.

I never shrink away from disagreements.

Like the other man, I'm always up for a hearty discussion with heated exchange of views.

However, it just occurred to me that civility is something very very fragile.

Especially in the age of the internet as well as the coming of web2.0, where audience participation and interaction is of paramount importance.

It just floored me that I was attacked on an internet forum by some goon who doesnt even know my real name.

Yea, I probably shouldnt care and just like fucking move on.

But it irks me. and something just dawned on me.

That its very possible for me to be hated by some people, people who dont know me, in my future profession.

My heart beats alittle faster, I gulp my coffee alittle more hurriedly when I find discourse and disagreement.

My mouth gets alittle dry, my brain goes into a buzz of activity and rebuttal thoughts. 

If I wasnt human, I would probably go mental like an animal.

But this only occurs when I sense an argument, an exchange of view points.

Today this didnt happen, today what happened was that I was labeled.

I was fucking labelled by someone who didnt even know me. 

So what did I feel?

I felt as tho I got to brain fuck this person into submission.

but i didnt.

I gave a half arsed response. Because I just didnt really bother to do much.

What worried me more was something more troubling I suppose.

I better learn and get used to being hated. Get used to being called names that I wont even use in my profanity dictionary.

Seriously, I better learn to be unmoved when hate stares at me in the fucking face.

I reckon, thats the only way to maintain dignity and coherent thought.

It has just dawned on me that the passing week, I've been dreading staying home.

I dont really care for the judgmental comments that keeps coming my way about my lifestyle.

I don't feel the need to justify my lifestyle to anyone. Never did, never would. 

Especially towards people who seriously, for lack of the better word, I couldnt give 2 flying fucks about.

My late nights, my coffee intake, my obsession with eating out, my tobacco inhaling habit, my almost insane work schedule that I adhere too.

It's my life, my time, my moods. I live it the way I like.

I don't see how I dont get afforded the civility of solidarity and impartialness.

Usually when a person doesnt give 2 fucks about you, its a clue to do the same.

but some people just dont fucking get it do they. its a sad world with  penchant for cruel twists of fate.

I never did judge on doing 50 press ups and 20 chin ups a day. I never did judge on guzzling juice and eating cornflakes for snacks.

and most definitely, i have never made any retarded condescending comments about the so called home cook meals that you serve up. Those are fit for the pig bin if we want to be really honest.

All I want, is to be left alone without comment or judgement.

I'd really prefer if we stick to the Hi, bye and occasional meals together.

To be honest, I really prefer to be left alone.

Because in all honesty, the company is nothing to shout about.

I reckon I can have more fun with me, myself and I.

I dont want to hear about girl problems.

I dont wanna hear about work problems.

I dont want to hear about any fucking that needs my input.

cause seriously, dont they fucking get it?

I DONT GIVE A FUCK.

sometimes i wonder why i deprive myself of sleep.

Yes, sometimes i skip sleep because I got work to do.

But it always seems that after my work is done, I find reasons not to go rest.


I feel extremely shitty now. I guess downing more espresso when what i really needed was sleep, was on hind sight, extremely retarded.


good night world.


and oh, this came in the mail today.










and seriously, you dont want to ask me how much it costs.

my expressions on tuesday mornings.




digusting timing.






fella should be shot and refried like re-fried mexican beans.





I love skitch.











I quite like gloria jeans as well. I like their cafe mocha. which is 3 shots of espresso doused with chocolate and milk. its thick, strong and not sweet at all. the way i like it.

and oh, the internet is nice too. cheap. 8 hours for 11 dollars. if not, how did you wonder I managed to blog in a cafe in wifi deprived bne?

perhaps, I am just immature in the way that I am.
its a great failing, i must admit

but I cannot be, patently what I cannot do.

why do I keep buying songs from itunes?
why? because its sooooooo damn easy.
let me show you with skitch.

writers note : skitch is for mac. sorry windows users. skitch is too cool for bill i guess.


firstly, open itunes and then,























over at the itunes store.














and then...



























you then...



















finally











its all way to easy.
skitch is easy too. all photos hosted by skitch!