My ambitions will be the end of me.

The familiar feeling is coming back.

The knowing, that I am punching above my belt.

Is coming back to taunt me.


Years back, it was underachieving and a wrapped sense of confidence that dogged my progress in most things I did.


But now, its different.

I dont know what I am doing.

It happened during NS. Its happening now.

I am over achieving.

I am pushing myself pass my own natural limits and I am feeling the worse of it.
To say, I feel the brunt of its effects very keenly.

The results are good. Outstanding if I might say so myself.
But the effects are detrimental to my well being.

I am choking on the amount of things I put myself through. There is this deep fear in the pits of my stomach. Not knowing how far I can go before total and dominant collapse.

I dont know how to stop and I dont know if I can stop.

My superiors whom I have worked for and my parents, have warned me against burning out. According to them, I have had and am still having this dangerous mindset that goals and targets are all that matter. Anything else is a distraction and getting there is the important thing. Its not the journey, its the end. They predicted, that I will, at some time, crash and burn. Not seeing the end but not having enough to reach it ever.


Too fast, too hard, too stretched. Too much imbalance when I get into things.
Almost a retarded charge at my goals.
Blatant disregard for other issues.
Even if they are important issues.

I can tell that my parents are concerned when I speak to them over skype.
I can detect the tentative tip toes around conversations that we have.
Their attempt at making light of my problems when it comes to work.
Them trying to reduce the pressure that I seemed to have put on my own shoulders.

Sometimes, thinking about things make me sick.
and I throw up. Literally.

Its not something that is new or foreign to me.

It usually jolts me back into a single thought.
"I better had get my shit together now."


Sometimes I wonder if the means are worth the ends.
That the goals that I've reached. Have they made me deliriously happy?

and it hurts to say that, most time, reaching my goals, did not make me happy.
it didnt exactly leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling like it should.

Funnily enough, after going through hell fire and brimstone, I never cease to amaze myself at the hard, cold and brief acknowledgment that I treat my achievements with.

almost a feeling of.
"fuck so what. its over."

I dont know if its normal behaviour or just a twisted trait that I have.

Things going well doesn't feel good even though I know that they should.

I suppose its something that I will have to work on. But its so wired in me that I dont know how to even begin.

My mum is worried.
I can tell.
She pointed out, that now I am here. Alone.
There are zero distractions.

There isnt any friends to go out with.
There isnt any family functions that I have to attend.
There isnt any other responsibilities.

and I think, in her mind that equates
" He is going to go on one of his mad dashes into oblivion again."

and I actually agree.

I take a step back and I see where I am headed.
I see how I am putting myself through the things I have been through before.

A obsessive perverse route.

but its just so easy to fall back into this highway to hell.

Its like
"fast fast fast"
"work work work"
"DO NOT FALTER AT ALL COSTS"



I will be the first one to admit, that the way I do things is not healthy.
I hurt myself and not to mention others.

I realize that I need help. But on one hand, seeking help equates bowing down to a weakness which is something that I loathe.

Its not blind stupid ego, its a sense of indignant misdemeanor that I blame myself for.


EVERYTHING in my life seems have a need to be pleasing. Practically and aesthetically. Anything less seems to be a travesty.


The bottom line is, the results, I am not sure if they are justified by the means.

I really dont.

I need someone to save me.



in anycase,
my next port of call after these 2 years.
Maybe not be going back home or staying here in australia.


I think I have made, perhaps a snap decision based on a offer. ( one example of my "results" or "achievements" if you like.)


The Land of The Rising Sun.

Japan. Tokyo.

Right after my last day of my 2 years of university education.

What do you all reckon?

So.

I remember, about 4 years ago.
There was a project required of me.

I decided to do a newspaper front page.
A mock up.

2 people came thru for me on that project.

I did well.

I enjoyed it immensely.

and i remembered thinking to myself.

This is what I want to do.


4 years down the road. it cumulates into something like this.




so what?

so yes.

I suppose I am doing what I want.