Am I a smaller person for it?

Sometimes I wonder, if I am backsliding into a lesser person.
Sometimes I wonder, if I did the right thing.

I am not the sort to avoid problems, preferring to get them out into the open as early as I can.

But somehow, I've been putting on an avoidance cap. It irks me.

Am I a littler person because of the choice I made.

I should have.
I would have.

But I didnt.

I suppose I was just being a gigantic prick. Or maybe what little ego I had, came out and ruled the day.
I cant exactly remember what I did that day, I just remembered keenly what i didnt do.

At this point, it doesnt seem to make much sense.

its been about 2 months since that day in which i chose to avoid instead of confront.
and till now, every other day goes by with me asking myself, "you douche bag, you should have."

am I a smaller person not to reciprocate the grace that has comed my way? Even if the source was suitably undesirable?

It wasnt something I wanted, infact, it was something that i absolutely wished didnt happen.



It used to be simple. I just plain denied existence. plain denied history.

i did that because it worked. It actually worked really well. I was happier. I was oblivious. Phony, yes. but I was loving it.


But like I said, it gnaws at me really often. My transgressions.

I should be better than this. I should be a better person. I should have showed more grace. I should have been more generous. I should have been less selfish. I should have put down my grudges, my misforgivings and my doubts.


As truly, nothing defines a person more than the acts that he undertakes.


Maybe you all thought I have walked away.
I thought I did.

But I didn't.
It's not doing me any good, but it's not doing me any harm.

Grace, for grace I shall stay...
Numbed, yes.

But for grace, I shall stay.