Losing Grip.

Missed the damn OB lecture today. Because I couldnt get up. First time since school started. I need to get a grip on my life damnit.

Have to go do the fucking caveat for linda tan cause i screwed it up. My conveyancing is going down the drain and i can see the good grade slipping away. wtf.

I really dont want to go to school and subject myself to some sort of mental torture that I put myself through. Its damn dumb. But, cant seem to find a way through it. I mean, its always there when I'm in school. Balls, I'm easily irritated and I'm freaking hugely irritated by whats happening to me at school this days. Its like a fucking parade show.

Dont mind the strong language, I woke up in a bad mood because of a certain dream I was having. Only to wake up and reliase its all fucking make believe. Its like, wth, it all seems so perfect, and its the last thing i want to dream of, yet, it has to happen to piss me off as i know it will never happen. Dreams to come through? hardly, thats for kids.

Its the same story, thinking i can do it, let go and what have you. But no, its fucking impossible. I couldnt even do it if i wanted to, not saying that I dont want to. God-damn-it, i wished they had brain washing devices, I would be the first one to buy one.

Shit. I think I better get a move on to school now. Need to get my stuff done. Be angry somemore tonight. see you all then.

Oh yea, happy birthday mum. Its my mum's birthday you idiots! Better send a birthday card or what have you to my place.




No particular meaning for me choosing this song is, just like it very much. What You Are, by Audio slave. Enjoy.

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are




Inspite of everything. I still care.

Fuckaboutit.

It was akward alright. I was shifty eyed, uncomfortable silence. Just walking, like we didnt know each other. People walking in between us like we were strangers. One word answers to 3 words questions. I wondered if I really caused it to be like that. . .It was like we didnt know each other. Perhaps it was better if it were that way. But it aint.

It was probably my fault that we were in this situation. There is this block. This unwillingness to say anything remotely resembling anything related to caring. At least for me its this way. But the truth is that it is too difficult not to care. When that person reprociates that feeling of uncaring, you wonder to yourself how can someone be so uncaring to one that cares so much. But then, its perhaps this that makes us humans.

I'm dishonest. People usually are. We dont speak how we feel. We smile when we feel like shit. We act blur when we think smart. We praise when we look down. We talk well while we backstab. We act like we dont care when we do.
But why is that so? Dont ask me. I dont know. Wont the world be a better place if we all showed how we feel about each other?

I say I dont like it when I actually do. I say its in the past while I'm still hoping...and the lists goes on. But again. why? I dont know.

I said that I will make peace but I never did. I said that it would all be alright when obviously I knew it wont be.
I thought I could handle it and even said I could when I knew that most probably I couldnt.
Hell, I could try of cos. But the question now is whether I try or I die trying.

Of cos, its been months since that wednesday. almost 5 months. But then...nothing much has been changed. I still feel that way. I tried to look for alternatives and move on. But its hard when you thought that you have found THE dream. When you are so sure that its the one, nothing much pleases you anymore. So what can you do? You wait. Do you try harder to get it? I think not. Its the same old story of once bitten twice shy. So you will probably just sit around and look at the menu and not be interested in any other stuff.
Thats what I'm doing. Trust me, its not fun when that item has already been ordered by someone else.

Perhaps I should say what I really feel from now on. If i like it, say I do. If i dont, say I dont. Maybe, honesty really is the best policy. Maybe, honesty is the thing that will lead to sucess and the things and people that I want. Maybe my dishonesty has been my downfall. I dont know.

Taking everything I just said. Ponder this.
If I said now that I dont like her anymore. Would any of you believe me? Yes or No? Its that simple.

My answer? its something that I can laugh about. Its dumb nuts the way I'm taking things. Stupid behaviour that cannot be explained.

This first month has been very unlike me. Made many decisions that were dumb. Contradicting most of the time. Me doing things that my head dosent want me too. My heart has been bullying my brain to the extent that my brain now does not work much nowadays. People say follow your heart, but now I dont really believe so. Following my heart has bought me nothing but trouble.

I wish for the smart 'me' to be back. Cause currently, the dumb 'me' is in the house.

How would I describe it? I think. Its like a disease. Its Matchbox20 with Disease.

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease


That was a fucking facade on my part. Sorry.