its 6:17am.

I reached home at around 0530am.

Soon, it'll all kick off at 8am.

and hopefully, by the end of the day, everything will come to an end.

I want it to come to an end.

I need it to come to an end.


Very often I let things that are important just slip me by.
and usually I just look back and feel regretful about it.

Yes, my work is overwhelming me.
Yes, at the end of the day, if all goes well, there will be immense satisfaction to be had and well deserved slaps on the back.

but.

yet.

at what expense? at who's expense? mine? or the people whom i care for?



These are questions that I struggle to answer during my commute from various locations to various locations.

I struggle to answer some questions that I have in my mind right now.

I'm not in a suitable state of mind for pretty much anything except my work.

My nerves are fraying. I am very stressed out and I want nothing more than to fuck off when all my work is done.

I like my work, but I dont like how its taking over my life and causing me to not like how my life is now.

Time is a precious commodity.

and seeing how time just starts to slip by, kills me alittle more each time i realise that I'm spending time on things that , ulitmately, at the end of the day, isnt that important.

For the next 2 weeks, I'm committing all my time to things that are important in my life once more.

And rest assured, that when the call comes in for me to do more work.

my answer?

it'll be a resounding "Up yours."










I want to see you. badly.

A boat called Ben & Sam.

So I was taking the night rider home, after my usual saturday muck about with fn (fast food, beef jerky, green tea & unsweetened water).


The bus was pretty much packed with people. There were still seats, but I didnt bother, its not a long ride home from plaza sing.
So as always, I'm on my iPod listening to music and was basically just in a daze. It was early in the morning and I wasnt feeling energetic anyway.

and then, this chap comes up to me.
Short hair, slightly shorter than I am, skinny, wearing a light blue polo tee, jeans and sneakers.

He taps me on the arm.
I look at him. Puzzled.
I dont think I've seen him before.
I take off my ear phones.
My puzzled expression still remains.
He says"heh, how have you been?"
I stare at him, befuddled.
He senses my confusion.
He goes rather non-chanlantly
"I am Ben."




I remember, I was about 6.
My dad bought this terrace house on daisy road.
A nice house, 3 stories, 5 bed rooms and a car porch big enough for 2 cars.

We were there one night, before we moved in, I was mucking about going amok in the new house I was going to live in, my dad was doing some work and my mum was heavily pregnant with my youngest brother.

It was late.

We were about leaving.
Then we met 3 persons outside our gates.
One uncle, One auntie and one little boy, about my age.
He was dark, skinny and had a laid back attitude about him. He seemed fearless.
The uncle and auntie chatted to my parents, the little boy stood beside them, holding his mother's hand.
I was standing behind my parents, abit unsure of the situation and the 2 adults that I've never seen before.

"Qian, come say hi to Uncle Willy and Auntie Mary. "
My mum prompted.

"Hello uncle, hello auntie, my name is Low Yi Qian"

they said hello back and smiled at me.

I thought they were rather nice.

They then got their little boy to introduce himself.

He introduced himself to us and promptly offered his hand to me with a shy smile typical of 6 year olds.

A handshake.

These 3 people were to be our neighbours for the next 5 and a half years.



We always had fun together.
Sometimes we hung out with the older boys, shi yi and malcom, but most times, it was just the 2 of us.
We learnt to cycle together, we learnt how to swim together and for a period of time, we even had the same tutor.

We put our heads together when plotting and scheming against our younger siblings (sam came one year after we moved in).

We shared our toys more willingly as compared to our brothers.
We drew giant robots and killed millions of big red ants together.
I shared my chips with him, he shared his pocky and rice crackers with me.
We played with his huge doberman named dolby. Well, I watched him play with dolby, I was scared shitless by the doberman.

He taught me about fishes and turtles, he kept many in his fish tank.
I did his homework for him. It was a doodle.

Uncle willy owned a boat, which he used for leisure purposes. He named the boat Ben & Sam.
Sometimes I'll go boating with them.
We'll cruise to sisters island or nowhere in particular. We'll swim in the sea or hunt for hermit crabs together, its one of the best childhood memories that I have.


We had a great friendship going on. One which I assumed would go on forever.

But like all little boys being naive like little boys were, I was of course, not too accurate with my prediction.

When I was 11 and a half, my dad bought a bigger house in bishan and we moved.

I remember me sitting in the lorry and him coming up to say goodbye.

He made sure that I got his adderses and telephone number written down properly.
I gave him a piece of paper that had my new address and new telephone number on it.
I told him not to lose it and he told me not to worry, he wouldnt.

We said our goodbye with a handshake and a promises to visit.

and we did keep with our promise for a couple of years.

then somewhere along the way, we just lost the connection that we had.

I dont know if it was because of school or what,
but we just did.

We didnt speak on the telephone like we use too, or visit during the holidays like we always did.

We still update each other on telephone number changes or stuff like that.

But we didnt really keep in touch.

I have him on my MSN list, but still, we just didnt speak with each other for some reason or another.

I think, we grew apart because we grew up.

We didnt have much in common anymore, i went thru the singaporean education system relatively unscathed while he had alot of problems in his studies.

He just didnt like studying and rather spend his time on computers and ice skating.

The few times we talked, we really didnt have much to talk about.
I updated him on my life and he did the same.
We talked about school.
I tried talking to him about his grades, but he was just too laid back to care.

In the end, I suppose when we grew to be older, we just had so little in common.

He wasnt a bad kid who gave problems in school, it just that he didnt gave a damn about his grades. He was just someone who was contented to relax and feel good about life.

He wasnt too concerned about his future or uptight about anything.
He was just a fella who was very very laid back about life and everything about him.

I think really, we just didnt have much to talk about.
We didnt have much in common like we use to do.
and we both just... maybe gave up.




sometimes I feel guilty about this issue, was it my fault?
I really dont know.
But I'm sure he doesnt feel that way because its just him, he is laid back about everything.
I'm pretty sure he is still the same as when I first met him.




"I am Ben."
He said that in the exact same way in which he did 16 years ago.


I guess I'll ask him out for dinner or coffee one day soon and talk about the days of yore.
I suppse its the least I can do for him and myself.

Some people, come in and go out of our lives, I think, when we see people who are worth the trouble, we should do what we can to keep them in our lives.

After all, you dont really want to look back on life when you are old and regret not keeping close the people who are worth keeping close to.