and avril croons... ...
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with youI'm with you.
The weather has been decidedly gloomy this few days.
No unlike my mood. or temperamant.
Taking the mini bus to the detention barracks with the detainee wearing rolex (handcuffed) at the back, my mind is nothing but a blank.
spying the rain drops sliding down the window beside me.
They seemed to be conveying a message. Time is just slipping by.
the endless chatter of the wipers on the windscreen.
The constant drone of the vehicle.
its all very depressing.
the journey takes on a stately pace of 50km/h.
as fast as my breathing. which is slow.
considering the grandma in the lil car behind us.
who after 20 secs of tailgating, decides to overtake the tatoo ridden ah beng who is driving the millitary vehicle which I am in.
all in all, it takes an hour to get there. the journey back is even worst.
the anticipation of a hot drink and the feeling of no longer giving a shit about being a vehicle commander being the rewards of reaching camp after the long ride.
its all very fustrating.
its all very depressing and fustrating.
The cold weather aided concentration.
I was sitting in bunk. Alone.
On the sunday night. The weather was cold. Not unlike tonight.
Clutching a book. Chuck Palanuik's Choke. Jessie's.
How strangely appropriate. choking from the smoke non withstanding.
i felt seriously choked. like my heart just fucking breaking.
My cellphone was beside me.
My ciggarettes were dwindling at a pace way faster than I would be comfortable with.
but to hell with it.
Reading in the semi darkness. half frozen.
"fucking hell." i mutter to myself around half a dozen times.
I feel like shit. I'm determined to fall alseep reading the book.
I was insistent on it. But no, the eyelids didnt feel any heavier then they were a few mins ago. My mind wander......
but it does not seem to happen. I'm not floating of to la-fucking-la land like i should.
maybe chain smoking had something to do with it.
But i just couldnt help it. The ambers in the ash looked too mesmerizing.
It was there all along. For the taking. It wasnt hard to foresee. I've dug myself a grave that jessie had longed warned me about.
and i must have used an damn good shovel and Entrenching Tool. Cause its so deep, i'm clawing at the edges. and to add to my misery, its fucking raining.
I'm slightly claustrophobic to begin with. The water level is rising. Maybe I'm drowning. So what if i'm a CAT A swimmer. There is no space. I can hardly breathe... ... Maybe that was what i meant when i said i'm breathless. perhaps. maybe. possibly.
I give up. There is no use trying to sleep. when my mind is so crammed with thoughts that its causing me to feel sufforcated.
The rain was beating on the windows non stop. My bunk was getting wet whether i liked it or not.
Dug out my note pad. fumbled around...... got my black felt tip pen out.
and i decided, or rather tried, to write the note that i should have done a long time ago.
It was cold. like really cold. I was shaking, could hardly write straight.
It all came out gibberish. I couldnt really write down what i wanted to write. fuck my education, cant find the words to say about the things caught in my mind.
But it all came out...... words. pictures. thoughts. songs. memories.
I just spit em all out. and stomped on them.
shaking as i was, pen in one hand, cigarette in another, i just scribbled down what came to mind. it was sweet and vulgar at the same time. yes, I would describe it like that.
I finnished it(or so i thought...) exhausted. i dumped the note on the chair beside my bed. The rain had not relented at all. I felt dead. dead tired. dead sad. dead maniacal.
I fell asleep.
The note, was wrinkled, looked older than it was. It was wet. from the rain.
What was the note about.... ....
as a popular singer penned in a song.
its more than words, its just tears and rain.
jessie, your msgs and the last one at 3am. woke me up. in more ways than one. thank you. and as cliche as this might sound, and I dont say this enough, but you mean much to me. very much so :]