It is curious how blogger keeps telling me that there are people who read this blog.

This always brings a chuckle to me. I mean, who could possibly be reading? As far as I know, I havent told anyone that I have resumed writing. And I don't think RSS feeds were around when I first started blogging so it cant be on anyone's RSS feeds right?v And I'm pretty sure I havent spoken about me having a blog for years. Years mind you, years.

If you know me personally and visit this blog, it would be great if you could drop me a note and to let me know that you are reading. Infact, it would be decent of you if you did that. Drop me a fb message, that would work.

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It is over, the silly month long soujourn. If I was honest, I'm glad that normal service has resumed. There have been some changes, some parts good, some parts bad, but mostly im optimistic about at least keeping a sane and level head when it comes to work matters.

Ok fine, if I were honest, I wish I NEVER had gone away for a month. It would have saved me alot of fucking trouble and grief.

I'm very worried that I could be walking into a hole.
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So you want to know how it is going with R.

Its been difficult.

She has her issues. Which only she can sort out. I hope she realises that. I really don't want to help her with her issues and I hope she can see that I can't help her, even if I wanted.

But most of all, I wonder if she knows that when she tells me things that I cannot change, its a one fucking kind of horrible. Sometimes I ask myself if i am being selfish by not wanting her to tell me stuff.

I am half way writing this and it happens. She just texted. I can't and won't do much except cajole. Is it any less easy though? No, of course it is not.

She is obviously afraid. But what she doesn't know is that I am fucking terrified as well.

"Move on man." "Stay the fuck away." "Walk away." "You better not be used!"

Sure, I get what my closest circle have been telling me and trust me, sometimes, I really want to bolt from the situation without looking back.

Sometimes I wish R would just decide things for both of us or tell me, so that I can decide for us. Cause frankly, my mind is made up but, the ball, I suspect, might still be in her court.

You know, life is funny. With J, I never felt out of control even when she herself was spiralling out of control. Her tears, her silent breakdowns and her own mental dismantling. I hated it.  But that being said, with J, I was concious of the things that were happening, it was always a step, followed by another and again by another. To be frank, I even saw the end of the road even when we first started on it. It is abit like a slow motion video of a nuclear melt down.

With R, I don't know what would be happening one day to the next. And it is ironic that she thinks she can be read like a book.

Sometimes I think its karma.


I always joke with her on how I am demanding. But I think she knows that I am.

Yes, I am demanding. I always have been. I don't want bits. I want everything.

But you know what is the pertinent part? That I have not felt like this for a long time. Even with J, I was always concious of how I could never accept her every facade. With R, I guess I am prepared to take everything. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The only problem? I don't want her to know it.

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R,
Just in case, in some weird freakish way that you have stumbled on this place and am reading every single word. I want you to know, that when you get into one of your low places in your head, I hate it. But I understand it. Because I do the same thing without you knowing.

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its 11am. I didnt publish last night because I was lost.
Life as we know it.