im bored already.



in preachy tones.
listening to him go on and on about the army.

its like his "life's greatest hitz" track number 3 title "lim peh si officer leh!"
about how it has changed him into a better man.
a officer. of distinguised conduct and capability.
in his own words " it was hell."
Yes. and he went thru hell.
i'll give it to him.
To last through 10 months of harsh training isnt easy.



Yes. People do reap rewards of what they sow.
But sometimes, its not what they sow that matters.
Its WHY they sow it.
but that is just part one of the equation.
Part 2 is HOW they sow it.

If a man cant answer these 2 parts of his journey(or sort of) as satisfyingly as he can, then, i daresay, that the end does not matter. At all.

Cause simply. Why do something if you dont know what your aims are?
and question too your ways and means to get to your target.



To gain respect of others is not via showing off what you have.
Its showing others the means and the route you took to your achievement.
that is what impresses people the most.
Its the element that makes heros and idols.



this friend of mine. i shall not disclose his name.
is an officer.
but from all our conversations together, i gather only 1 thing.
he is a officer for the wrong reasons.
not that he is a bad officer or anything.
or if he didnt deserve his rank. He does deserve his rank. He worked hard for it.
for somehow, it does not fit.



He is always living in the shadows of his brother.
without realising it, he is always comparing himself to his brother.
and how his relatives all give his elder sibling the peferential treatment.
and how he is going to beat his brother in every way that he can......


i cant really understand him. For him, his brother isnt a person to follow in the food steps of.
To him, perhaps, his brother is only there for him to surpass. In everything and anything.

but it is, when your sole reason for doing anything substantial stems from your deep seated ego to upsurp someone.


education, he tolded us how he got into a JC instead of his brother's poly route.

army, he told us how his brother was only a spec. and in an condesending tone as well.

21st birthday! he told us how his brother had a huge party. and his plans of staging an even bigger one.



truly, how can one be happy to live his life to just better that one single person?
its kind of sad how one is motivated by jealousy. and spite, so much so that he is willing to put all his effort, might and capability to win, in every single event. against only ONE competitor.

Now what happens when he realises that he has beaten his own brother in every single aspect? when there is nothing else to compare. what will he strive on? be motivated on?
whats there worth left? after all, you've beaten the one you wanted to beat all your life.



there is nothing but emptiness.


this friend of mine is the same age as me.
But i cant understand why our viewpoints are so different.
so vastly different that i almost thinks his aims are crazy and uncalled for.
and to him my life is flippant and too care free for comfort.

but beneath everything, what has his life got more to offer than mine?

education?
I got as good an education as he has.

armywise?
he is an officer for the wrong reason. i'm a clerk for all the right reasons. whats there to be sad of in my situation? and whats so proud to be in his? when he is there for the wrong reason?


girlfriends?
a series of girl friends that he fucks and cant keep?
me? i have till this point of time, 1 girl that i have truly felt for. yes, just one, but thats nothing to be ashamed off right? and in what way do i lose? its nuts!

passion?
he has the passion for hard liqour, beer and always boasting about his drinking escapades.
Me? i got my photography. i can freeze time in black and white. i can show zest of life in technicolour. and i dont get sick and vomit with what i love.

family?
he does not even want to have dinner with his parents. Whats there more to say?


and what else? there are so many things to compare.
Too many really.

but i'll stop here.
why?


time constraint lar!


need to go back camp, tmr got major event.
go back sleep early.

till i one touch type again, goodnight.

now...

2 laptops running side by side.

now thats a interesting proposition i'll give careful consideration too.

an shiny orange toshiba protege.

i like.

haha.

I hope you dont mind, what i put down in words.




for the longest time, ive never allowed myself the privilege to just kick back and wallow in self pity, denial, depression and generally lay myself to waste infront of the teevee or by becoming a parasite to my bed..
which is the right, for the rich, childish, the lovelorn and the lazy good for nothings.



but today. I indulged myself.
I slept only to wake up for meals.
I watched television programs which made no real sense.
I left my brain to rot and stale and generally let all the world's bad things happen to it.




so basically, today felt like being in a home for the old, sick and dying.
and no, it does not feel good.

I wonder how come people who are already depressed can indulge in such activities, or should i say non activites?


if anything, the lack of general activity which stimulates the brain causes much more depressive thoughts and anxiety over "what should have beens" and "what ifs" among others.

Which cant be a good thing.

A man cant live his life thinking about the "what ifs" or the "what nots."
He'll become disillusioned and starts to blame everyone else for his faults.
its a very vicious cycle.

He be much better along if he thought of the "what the fucks" in the long run.

now truly, thats true =]





alright. i'm gonna snap out of it right here right now.
im going out for some coffee and mental stiumulation before i book in.

till i vomit again, good night everyone.

argh. the depressived being the one to depraved me of happiness which actually in finality is only one.

the one being.

me.