Conflicting blow outs.

These few days, I struggle and find myself with conflicting thoughts.
Faced with frustrations of different kinds, I am finding it hard to make sense of certain issues.

On one hand, I really want to be the bigger person and let the small things slide, while on the other hand, I really loathe being run shod all over. I usually prefer to cede to the request of others, but sometimes doing that, I find myself in a disadvantage. To add to that, I'm making concessions for people whom I really am not obligated. It's almost my kindness and easy going ways are taken as a weakness to be exploited.


If only they came across as request and not demands, perhaps it would make me feel better. But somehow, just the way certain things are phrased throws me off. This frustrates me to no end because while I understand that the person is not the issue and that the issue is the issue, I find myself sliding back and pinning my misgivings on the personalities who are involved in these issues that concern me.

Demands, demands and demands. If only they were chocolate coated and packaged nicely with huge lettering spelling "kinder bueno" across them. Perhaps, I would then be more inclined to accept them more gracefully.

As I am writing this now, I am still unsure how I should feel about this recent irritation I feel within me.

While things are put to me in the way that I loathe, I still find myself replying in my most civil tone. This disgusts me as I wonder, am I being nice? or am I being hypocritical seeing how I am actually fuming inside?

I feel so angry but yet I try to be as smooth in my delivery as I can. Does this make me the bigger or better person? or does that make me just that other bare faced liar that we meet on the streets every other day?

At this point in my life, I start to ask questions of what kind of person I really am. From the events of years passed that transpired to the person who stands today, I'm critically evaluating the sort of person I am.

I've come to the point where I know I am generous with my feelings and other world posessions, but on one hand, I find myself being incredibly petty with feelings and money in some cases. And I wonder, why cant I be generous always?

Is it because I am innately selfish and that I am generous because I feel obligated too? Or am I just being a petty fuck when it comes to small things because I cant see past the people instead of looking straight at the issue?

This questions which I ask myself carve me up in a very real way. Imagine being 24 and yet not being able to answer the most fundamental questions of my own personality. Sometimes, I find myself not being surprised if I was half schizophrenic.


But you know, I reckon perhaps, not knowing why how we feel or why we feel about certain issues, is that basic ingredient in which defines us as being human.

Of course, while I ask questions about myself, I find myself pondering why certain people act in certain ways. Why are some people the best sort who we come across as gems in our lives and yet some, who disgust us down to our very bones. When I evaluate the ugly side of being human, I find the answers to my questions very disturbing and down right disappointing.

We are ugly not because we need too, but because we want too.

The proof, is that even the most beautiful people in the world, are all ugly in their own petty lil fuck ways.

And that includes me.