Does my avatar look like me?












I hope it does!

I'm home.

I really need to play harder.

I suppose I have not been on top form.
My health seems to be stopping me. I seem to be quite sickly these days.

Landed to parents berating me on my general appearance.
Wrecked.

face too long.
Loss to much weight.
Eye bags too dark.
Looked like i havent slept in days.

Looking like a 32 year old.

Not harshly but worryingly. They weren't harsh, they were worried.

Prior to me writing this entry, I was actually in bed trying to sleep.

I'm currently nursing a ravaging headache.
Might be due to the fact that i stayed up the whole night last night at seth's.
Fooling around with guitar hero world tour. It was good to see some familiar faces.
It was good to be the youngest of the bunch again.

The company I had understood my needs, my quirks and my bouts.
Among those people present, people like muizz, linn and seth are among the first people I run too when I hit brick walls.

The last semester, when I hit certain low points, it was people like them that picked me up, shooked me, slapped me and sent me on my way.

I suppose words cannot describe how thankful and grateful I am for the people I keep close to my heart.
It's not their privilege to be in my confidence, its my privilege to be able to trust them in confidence.

I bare my soul. I tell my worries. I explain my fears.


and then it soft of dawned on me.


the difference between them and everyone else.





You know whats fundamentally flawed in the first place?
Was that I misplaced certain expectations on others.

While I placed my mistrued ideas of what should need or should have been done infront of others, i never did put those expectations or obligations that I might have of others infront of me.

While I expected to know everything and anything, I didnt for once expect or think to offer my fair share of an exchange.

I prefer to keep things to myself, prefer to keep my own council, space and privacy. I dislike people walking into my physical space and dislike it even more when they probe into my life.

No wonder.


How would I have let you into my life, when I didn't even let you into my room?










I see through people. Very early on.
I know when certain people are not good for me and yet I plough through them without a thought.

I see friends.
Proclaimed to be best of friends.
I see through the lies they tell each other.
I look through the sugar, honey coated words they have for each other.
I see the disdain, the dislike and the dishonesty among them.

I see inequality, blatant ripping off. of hearts, money, thoughts and friendship.
I see one thing while I hear another.

These friends, are not friends but have a relationship of convenience.

For one party's sake. I hope she/he sees through the veil.

I once asked very pointedly.
if they had a friendship of equal respect, affection and expectations.

The other party replied in the negative. Stating that the friendship that he/she has to offer far outweighs anything that the other party can offer. That any additional effort, affection from the other party is only natural.
"After all, she/he knows that my friendship is worth it."


fuck you.
fuck no.
so wrong in every way.


If you read this, i hope you know that I am talking about you. I am not hoping to sow discord. I just hope for you to see through things. While I have, in my own subtle ways, tried to lead you along with questions and certain actions to reach this conclusion, I reckon you may have taken things in the wrong way. I wont be too bothered if you had or had not talked about it, or told on me. Thats not my point or even the point.
My point back then and now is the same.

I had hoped that you got more than what you had. I had hoped that you were cherished more than you had.

I didnt say what I had to say in the bluntest and most honest way only because it wasn't my business to do so. To have done so, would have been grossly misappropriate.

You hide certain things for her/him and she does the same to you.
Think about it, while both of you are blessdly ignorant of these transgressions, A 3rd party knows all about them. How inapt?

A split is not a good idea. An honest assesment is.

I've said what I wanted to say. I got off what I wanted to get off my chest.
Its not my business in the least but I want you to have better. Not due to any other reason other than perhaps, I look at you as a friend. You might not know it, but I have been more honest to you then the other person ever has been. and yet, you tell all without really knowing at all.

a pity.