its 520am.

Out the whole day shopping. Got everything ready for xmas at long last but I feel so broke. I got myself the crumpler 7 mil home for my camera. Crazy.

Lost 100 bucks too boot. Dropped 2 blue notes somewhere without knowing. fiack.



Going out is very stressful. I see people I dont want to see. I saw people I didnt wanna see. Its all very stressful even when I am supposed to be on holiday.



Just finished writing some stuff for work.

Listening to matchbox twenty's new album, Exile to Mainstream.
I like it plenty.
I suppose its worth the money I paid for it.

Football at 9am. I'm not playing but I'm turning up anyway to see the mad fellas and take some photos.



I'm addicted to bokeh.
gimme 50mm f1.8 for the faces.
gimme 17-50 f2.8 for the streets.
gimme 55-200mm vr for the stealth.


whoever said photography is not expensive can go kill themselves.

well, my only justification is, I'm gonna need those lenses next semester.
hah.

I suppose my thoughts are alittle scatted, I suppose its got something to do with the cigarettes, atarax and weariness setting in.

I feel quite weird.

Ok I'm off.

I am a Flee-rance righter and Pee-ah-rar Honcho.


I like working from home.

I like working on my laptop on the sofa in the living room with the telly on.

I like feeling the cool breeze of the weather in my tee-shirt and old jeans.

I like writing in the way that I want too.

I like writing for people who look for the same things in a good piece of work or design.

Best of all, I like doing what I like for money.



I can foresee a really white christmas.

Starting of with the nikkor AF 50mm f/1.8 for portraits and the nikkor DXG 55-200mm vr f/4.5-5.6 for my range needs.

and if I'm in the mood.
Maybe a sigma 70-300mm HSM?







Leave me your stardust to remember you by.




its 5:11am now and I'm still awake.
I might decide not to sleep at all. I am not exactly sure why I might not want to sleep, but it does seem to be a good idea.

I've been back for a month and for the most part, it has been quite enjoyable being back home.

I suppose things are the way I expect them to be and I cant say that I'm not happy for it.

For now, I am just trying to find that simple contentment that perhaps I should have been finding for such a long time.

Instead of fussing up with things and issues beyond my control, I suppose its high time I just take things as they come.

Just like tennis, unforced errors in life are really the pitfalls for one's journey. Yet, the mettle of a individual is sometimes based on how one bounces back from those unforced errors.


What I aim to do, is to enjoy myself as much as I can till the vacation ends.

I will meet family and friends.
I will spend more time talking to people I care about.
I will take more photos.
I will go shopping but it shall not be retail therapy.
I will enjoy the finner things in my life.
I will watch more tv.
I will play more games.
I will take more meals with my folks.


I've done pretty quite abit of things on my list since I have came back. New cellphones for my mum and myself, dinner with friends, shopping for xmas.

I suppose its all good.

The only small problem is that I sometimes feel abit stressful when I head out.
Sometimes its the immense crowd but sometimes its just me I suppose.

Oh well, I haven't been to toys r us yet to get the xmas toys. I suppose I shall do so pretty soon.

Alright, I think I shall stop writing now. I want to watch a movie.




and oh yea,
All this working has gave me a craving for a good meal.
Will be looking for khakis to head over to Bars & Billiards at Raffles Hotel.






ok. ciao ciao =]

Probably one of the best days since I got back.



















from left
nikon d40, canon eos 350d, Panasonic FZ-12, Canon G7
backrow : Holga CFN-120



The value on that table boggles the mind
and the worst part is that we still had plenty cameras that we didnt bring out.
we are such freaks its scary.


had a ball of a time on saturday.
Cant wait for the next shoot.

twas awesome.

Dear Jess,

your comtuter is teh mega sux.

after wrangling with it for the past couple hours.....


everything works.
the internet.
msn.
fucking speakers work as well. they werent spoilt like you said it was.


BUT the fucking thing keeps turning itself off.

However, I suspect it may be the dumb arse battery causing it to turn off.

it hasnt shut down after i took out the battery.

I will flog your computer to within an inch of its life.
It was a mistake on your part to leave it with me.

Please get your lao hiao dad to get the macbook in hongkong.

your computer sucks and ugly to look at as well. (only because it isnt a mac or vaio. everything else pales into comparison.)




oh yea
did i mention?

Your comtuter is teh mega sux.

December Girl




















Unreal. Gimme some luvin sienna.

Ok.

First semester results are out.

the exams were crazy tough.

in the end?

Communication, Identity and Culture : High Distinction 7
Introduction to Journo : Distinction 6
Mass Com Theory : Credit 5
Editing: Pass 4


fuck right?
Get 7 also no use.
Current GPA 5.5/7
fuck right?

So i got distinction in both year 1 subs and 2 lousy grades for 2 advance year 2 subs.

Not too pleased with my results. but it could have been worst.

apparantly 5.5/7 is counted as pretty good for UQ. But I'm not too convinced. Better get better grades next semester.

Sympathy.


I want to talk about sympathy.

dictionary definition
sympathy |ˈsimpəθē| noun ( pl. -thies) 1 feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune : they had great sympathy for the flood victims. • ( one's sympathies) formal expression of such feelings; condolences : all Tony's friends joined in sending their sympathies to his widow Jean. 2 understanding between people; common feeling : the special sympathy between the two boys was obvious to all. • ( sympathies) support in the form of shared feelings or opinions : his sympathies lay with his constituents. • agreement with or approval of an opinion or aim; a favorable attitude : I have some sympathy for this view. • ( in sympathy) relating harmoniously to something else; in keeping : repairs had to be in sympathy with the original structure. • the state or fact of responding in a way similar or corresponding to an action elsewhere : the magnetic field oscillates in sympathy.




I'm feeling a deep sense of sympathy for a person.
That person doesn't know me well nor do I know that person well.

I just feel sad for that person.

The views that person hold, is so myopic, selfish, immature that its no longer funny to laugh at.

I feel sad. at 23. Yet not knowing the basic principals in reciprocity. Having no basic nonce of the subtleties involved in interaction with another human being.

So self centered, that its almost unreal.

I feel sympathy.
Really, I do.

CLICK HERE.

takes abit to load. But one should watch it. Some of my friends (guys) actually teared watching it.

They dont hate us.
We dont hate them.



We just cannot understand each other well enough.


couple of days more till I complete the first leg of 4 parts of university education.

I have 2 papers on monday left to tackle. After that, its back to familiar but neh neh neh Singapore. Humid air, menthol cigarettes and OGD.



I have often been asked if I get along well with the "ang mohs"

I suppose I get along relatively well with them.
I must admit, because of accent problems, communicating can be trying at times. But I've noticed that if you take a conscious effort to communicate as clearly as you can, you will be understood in the end.
Singaporeans, we walk too fast, eat too fast and we speak too quickly.

I found out that if I spoke slower, I would be understood better. Its not a case of them being difficult despite what a lot of other people think, its a case of them just not being used to our speech patterns.


Both parties should always take the effort to be sensitive. Granted, its not easy, but taking the effort will always reap its own rewards in due course.

Instead of focusing on the difficulties that we might have, for once, couldn't we try to see the similarities that we have?

Instead of lamenting the fact that they are lazy bums in the work group, why not reflect on the fact that back in singapore, it was the same?
Where the same fucktards fucked things up in the course of work with un-surprising regularity?

Laziness is not racial specific, it is personality and individuality specific.
A person's skin colour or locality of origin does not impact an individual's propensity towards his work ethics.

There are lazy fuckers everywhere. In every country, in every situation. How you deal with lazy fuckers should be uniform and not different or even discriminatory based on their skin colour or nationality.

I once said, that we are all racist. But we are tolerant racist.
I still agree. But perhaps the term "racist" is harsh. In my perspective, the term is not necessarily derogatory, to me, its just that slight uncertainty that accompanies interaction with another individual with another skin tone. The uncertainty, if I might add, is not attributed by skin colour differences but rather the differences in culture and respective acceptable social norms.

But I digress.

Instead of saying that they "hate" us or that we "hate" them.
Take a step back and reflect.

It is not hate we are talking about. Its "understanding" that really is the focus.
If you subsitute the word "hate" with "understanding" , the parenting sentence will still make sense.
However, the meaning of the sentence would have been altered slightly. It isnt important how drastic the change in meaning but be, but rather the subtle connotations that accompany that change in meaning that is important.

When you use the word "understand".
You admit to a few things.
1) People are universally different.
2) Effort is going to be needed to be understood and accepted.
3) The other party is as uncomfortable or even more uncomfortable that you are.
4) People are afraid of what they dont know or not familiar with.

There are others, but its up to you to think about them.
Taking the effort as well as projecting sincerity goes a long way.


When people ask me if I get frustrated when I cant get my point across, I will say that "Yes, I am".

But the ball doesn't drop there nor do I berate the circumstances of things at present.

Because the way I see it, if I took the effort to make myself understood back home in Singapore, with people who are culturally different or whom have difficulty conversing in English like the difficulty that I have conversing in other languages, why should I take less effort here?



Acknowledge the differences, but emphasis on the similarities.


But one thing I must admit.
No matter how hard I try.


I really really hate.

The food here.


It is fucking hogwash.

Chelsea : BIC Lighters hor.
Me: yea ok.


I always wondered about her stupid fascination with BIC lighters.





























Fair enough, they are pretty good lighters. Usually lights within the first try unlike the rubbish lighters we have back in singapore. Ugly and always not working when you need it to work.

BICs dont score big with me cause I use a zippo everyday.

But I do suppose they look pretty enough.
Expensive like shit. 3aud per lighter.

1st to do.

K3's Pre Arrival Purchase.
Ok. Any deal will be on the 14th of November. Understand? 14th November. That means I will pay you and collect my merchandise only on the 14th. Understand? Next Wednesday.

I am flexible with timing but I only deal at City Hall, Orchard, Raffles stations as well as NEL stations.



I currently WTB following items

1) 1 year live gold subscriptions card. If you got other durations, let me know.
2) Orange Box
3) COD4
4) Bioshock
5) Halo 3
5) MS VGA cable
6) MS Wireless dongle



All items should be in good condition with no funny stains or smell.
Please state your price here. I will confirm with you if I agree to it.
Although I have been away from the scene for a few months, don't try and fleece me with stupid prices. Dont insult me please.

If i ignore your offer, that means it isnt good at all. I am a reasonable person who accept reasonable prices.









2nd to do.
Sending resume to playworks tomorrow.




3rd to do.
own the exam tomorrow.

Rewind, 2 weeks ago.

"2 things we are gonna do. Firstly, sort out your modules for next semester.

Secondly, ensure that you dont fail anything this semester."


Fastforward, last week. In Prof's office.

"Ok, lets see how much trouble you are in.

*clicks on his laptop.

I am sitting there trying to maintain my straight face.

"lets have a look at your progress. Dont fret, most students get abit stuck in their first year. Its typical if you get like Cs or Bs. Dont worry, you'll do much better next semester. Besides, you are taking two year 2 subjects."

*clicks on more stuff on his computer.



"Hmm. Um, lets see, well...."


"urm.... "



"hmm...peculiar....."




"maintaining 1 HD, 2 As and 1 C? "




"Hmm...."


"Is that your student ID?"



I replied.

"Yes, I'm almost positive."




He thought I was failing everything.





I handed up my last essay for the semester on wednesday even tho it was due on thursday. I suppose I just wanted to get it over and done with.
I over wrote as usual. But I dont really care. heh.

I slept fitfully on monday, didnt sleep at all on tuesday night, headed to uni to hand up my essay early wednesday morning.

Obviously I felt like a zombie. Not that I wasnt tired, just that I couldnt sleep at all.


So I took breakfast at 8am at Maccas, hopped on the train to Uni.
Returned all my library books for my essay and handed in my essay.
Picked up my film project, (HD grade. But there was still some stinging criticisms on the feed back form.)


Headed to southbank.

Bought tickets to eastern promise.

Got an hour to spare.

Bought a cold cola, sat at the river bank.

It was a warm day, but there was a breeze, so it was very comfortable.

I fell asleep sitting on the bench beside the river bank.

Woke up after half an hour, cigarette in my fingers totally burnt out. A wonder I didn't get burned by it.

Walked to the cinema, caught the movie. Which was really good.
Headed back home.


Slept most of yesterday away.
Felt like I had been put thru a meat grinder and fed to sumo before being dumped unceremoniously by him.


Studied the most of today.
More studying for the rest of the 10 days or so.


So how do I feel? with the semester coming to an end?

I feel, unequivocally, like shite.



I cant decide what is worst.
Not sleeping, or sleeping fitfully with nightmares.



Am I anxious to get home?
Yea.


But I am more anxious for the semester and exams to end.
The pressure is really something not to be fucked around with.
Sometimes, it feels as tho my brains are gonna leak out from my ears =]


and that cant be good I suppose.

Hah.

Adrenalin.

I suppose thats what been keeping me going for the past weeks.

gonna fly off the handle if I don't relax soon.
Another 9 days till the exams end.

It feels like 9 years.

So I went to the freezer.

Ice Cream.

Coles House Brand.

oooo. Ice Cream.

lets have some.


first spoonful.....




second spoonful.....




my god. they call this crap ice cream?
even someone like me knows that this is utter crap ice cream.

my god. they sell this shit in supermarkets?!

I dont feel like doing any work today.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I am ahead of schedule in regards to my research paper.

The weather is quite warm today.

I just want to sit in the yard on the deck chairs, smoke and drink a cold cola.


I just got to stop sumo from licking my toes. Highly ticklish and annoying.

So much for lasting the month of October.





























my new icons are so wicked

adium on the left. thats my msn app.

The 3 icons on the right are my hard disks.
I got 3. I know.

cannot sleep.

cant sleep.

thinking of too many things.

cannot sleep.

I am tired.



took the white pills.

waiting.

16th October.


if they were to write a book about me, they will definitely leave out the 16th of October 2006.


and if they didnt leave it out against my best advice, it'll probably be chaptered


"The fool, his words and his worst."

Exitlude

Aggressively
we all defend
the role we play

Regrettably
time comes to send
you on your way

We've seen it all
bonfires of trust
flash floods of pain

It doesn't really matter
dont you worry it'll all work out
No it doesn't even matter
don't you worry what its all about

We hope you enjoy your stay
Its good to have you with us
even if its just for the day

For the month of October



















Sometimes I want to jump off the end of a pier.

Academic Update.

Left with 1 essay.
Mass Com Theory.
I'm gonna write about the film "Good Night and Good Luck"
its due nov 1st. So I got plenty of time to work on it.



its unorthodox, but its keeping in line with my philosophy of going against the norm for my school assignments.


Well, there was one time that philosophy didn't really come off.
Editing, i got 20/40.
fuck me.
under the comments, the prof wrote "Full marks for trying"
pompous Lancashire ass.



there goes my straight As.

However, that being said, the other subjects are going pretty well.

If I'm lucky, I may end up with a couple of HDs.
IF I am lucky.

1 essay, 3 exams.


Cant be that hard can it?


But its a little like the final stretch when you are expected to sprint to the finish line.

Its not easy considering the fact that you are REALLY tired by this point of the race.

and yet, you HAVE to sprint.


I feel little asthmatic now.

nabeh.

in view of all the chee bye-ness I have been feeling lately.

After I hand in my assignment tmr.

Tmr shall be fuck care relax day.

eat at proper restaurant and watch movie.

go shopping.

nabeh.


time to feel happy and dainty!

ok, that sounded damn gay.

I was on the train that day.
On my way back home from a particularly taxing day at uni.

I was looking at the photographs.

How happy we were.





I dont know if it was because I was so tired.
I dont know if it was because of the stress of the work.
I dont know if it was the cumulative effect of being sick of everything.


and then, I said to myself.

Never, ever, if we can help it, we should never ever do those things again.

its for our own good.

I almost flung my new iPod against the glass.

uh.

My name is Tyrone.

I am 3 Months Old.
I weigh 6 kilos

and

I rule a house containing 3 doofus adults, a stupid dog and a giant teddy.

Giant Teddy and Me. The picture is taken by the doofest looking adult with the big black camera. I'm a natural.

















CLICK for my video on youtube.


bye bye.

When you stub out a cigarette, the ashes always still glow.

You really got to be really single minded if you want to stub it out. Stub it all out.

I realised this while stubbing out a smoke at the bin just 10 minutes ago.


People just cant seem to stub things out from their lives completely.
Dont argue, it happens to me as much as it happens to you.

Yes, its annoying, but I suppose its just one of those signs that signify the ideology of "Life will fuck you over and some" .


So its mid term break. What do I find myself doing? Apart from work, I've not been too busy.
Bought some disposable Swedish furniture and assorted trinkets yesterday.
Against my better judgment, i bought a lime green chair.

Now I am wondering what the fuck am I suppose to do with a lime green chair.

The lesson to be learnt from this?
I don't know. I haven't learnt it yet.

So I'm sitting on my lime green chair, trudging through the internet. Browsing music on iTunes. Listening to the snippets available online.
MatchBox20's new album is due on the 29th this month.
Nice.


I can be terribly obsessive.
It makes me sad.

How does one find balance?
Its not easy.
But I try.


So an example of my lame attempts at finding balance.
Instead of worrying about my work and other issues.
I opt for the frivolous.

Get a new iPod? Get the white one or the black one?
hmm?
(moot. i've decided on the white one the moment I saw one. I'm just screwing around for screwing's sake.)

What shall I have for lunch today?
(moot. I got potatoe salad in the fridge and nothing else.)

What film should I watch first?
(moot. I only got Disturbia on dvd left.)


I try and busy myself with inane and ridiculous decisions.
It seems to help deviate from the more important and drastic decisions that are begging to be made.

I suppose you can say its easier to run, but the 'new' mindset that I have is that its not really running, its called "taking a break".

A breather.
A short period to revive to survive.
A little peace.



However, not a single problem has ever been solved by taking a break.



Sometimes I wonder.
Most times I worry.

Shawn is absolutely right with his comment on my tagboard.
But always be wary of where you get your advise from.
In this case, from someone who uses 8181.



[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:02:14 PM)
ok i go chuch
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:02:17 PM)
talk to you tonight
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:02:21 PM)
8181
[Qian] PunkStar says: (3:02:42 PM)
orait
[Qian] PunkStar says: (3:02:44 PM)
wtf is 8181
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:08 PM)
haha
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:11 PM)
pronounce it in chinese
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:15 PM)
sounds like
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:18 PM)
byeee byeeee
[Qian] PunkStar says: (3:14:32 PM)
GROSS LAR
[Qian] PunkStar says: (3:14:33 PM)
KNN
[Qian] PunkStar says: (3:14:35 PM)
AH LIANS
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:37 PM)
lol
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:42 PM)
cuTeZ siAx
[Qian] PunkStar says: (3:14:45 PM)
DAMN GAY
[Shawn] - Tangled in the reverie of time - says: (3:14:59 PM)
lol

The Terminal.

Catherine was involved with a married man.

She was already 39 years old.

She met Tom.

Tom Met Catherine.

Tom fell in love.

and so did Catherine.

or so she thought.


Catherine left for 2 weeks for work.

Tom built her a fountain.

He wanted to surprise her.

When Catherine came back.

Tom showed her the fountain.

She was touched.

She thought, she fell in love. She broke up with the married man.

She left for work again. 13 days.

When she came back.

She saw Tom.

Tom asked her to go to New York with him.



She told Tom.

"Destiny"

and left him.

She went back to the married man even when Tom loved her.
She went back to the married man when that man wasnt a good person.
She went back to the married man even though she knew there was no future with him.




Tom walked away.

"I think I can go home now."

so many windows, so little eyes.


















So yes, the past couple of days have been pretty rough for me.
Had a exam on Tuesday, which wasn't that difficult, the difficult bit was studying for it.
After which, I'm now working on my other assignment.

The room looks highly depressing now if you ask me.
Am doing some heavy video editing with Final Cut Pro.

as you can see, lots of things going on the screens, its enough for me to forget time.

adding soundtracks, clipping videos, adding photos.

Its fun when you are doing it for recreational purposes.
For work, fucken stress is what you feel.

Lights are dimmed because i was working when it was light and now it is dark!

what are the things that you cant see which are on my desk?
hmm. junk food, 2 packs of smokes, 2 cans of coke, mug of coffee which has gone cold. and some other stuff. argh. its a mess.
My boards and notebooks are on the table as well.

I suppose this is what they call a working desk.


I just go on with my editing, usually never quite satisfied, sometimes i get frustrated, the only time i lay back is when I hit the "render" button. This allows me a few mins for a break while the mac combines all the elements.

Final Cut Pro, Apple Soundtrack Loop, iMovie.
Using the apps are pretty challenging but at the same time, they are powerful as hell.



You know the irony of it all?

Why am I making my own short film? Should have taken the easy way out and wrote a essay which would have taken me 2 to 3 days.

But nooooo.

I like pain.

So I opted for the "stay in darkened room for 1 week coming out looking like a panda option."



I am crazy.




I got anther week to submission.
Pain is good.

Well, since Zilla has taken the initiative and effort to rig us up with this opportunity, its only right that we all try to turn up.

I know its a weekend and everyone got their own programs.
But I suppose it all boils down to what we want for this project.

Yes, not every single one of us needs to be there.
But I am of the view that more heads are better than fewer heads.
Correct me if I am wrong, but isnt the visit a integral part of the write up?

I'm sure I dont have to remind you guys that this paper is due on the 4th. With the mid semester exams starting on monday (for me at least), there isn't much time to do it properly.

I'm committed to going tomorrow even if I am supposed to be mugging. Just waiting for a confirmation from Zilla on timing and location to meet.
See you guys, the ones who are preparing to turn up tomorrow anyway.

as Zilla put it in her email a few days back.

"The sooner we start, the sooner we can finnish. "

I know I'm probably going to be ruffling a few feathers here and probably get screwed over on peer appraisal with this email =p , but seriously I'm just trying to be as professional as I can here when it comes to work.


Regards
Qian









can someone remind me why I hate group projects again.
Motherfuckers.

its not so bad when its just

The Fool and His Money.


Money, can always be earned, stolen or robbed.




The Fool and His Heart.

on the other hand.
Can spell all sorts of disasters.

I hate the bullshit that you have to put up with.


I hate more not being able to do anything about it.

My ambitions will be the end of me.

The familiar feeling is coming back.

The knowing, that I am punching above my belt.

Is coming back to taunt me.


Years back, it was underachieving and a wrapped sense of confidence that dogged my progress in most things I did.


But now, its different.

I dont know what I am doing.

It happened during NS. Its happening now.

I am over achieving.

I am pushing myself pass my own natural limits and I am feeling the worse of it.
To say, I feel the brunt of its effects very keenly.

The results are good. Outstanding if I might say so myself.
But the effects are detrimental to my well being.

I am choking on the amount of things I put myself through. There is this deep fear in the pits of my stomach. Not knowing how far I can go before total and dominant collapse.

I dont know how to stop and I dont know if I can stop.

My superiors whom I have worked for and my parents, have warned me against burning out. According to them, I have had and am still having this dangerous mindset that goals and targets are all that matter. Anything else is a distraction and getting there is the important thing. Its not the journey, its the end. They predicted, that I will, at some time, crash and burn. Not seeing the end but not having enough to reach it ever.


Too fast, too hard, too stretched. Too much imbalance when I get into things.
Almost a retarded charge at my goals.
Blatant disregard for other issues.
Even if they are important issues.

I can tell that my parents are concerned when I speak to them over skype.
I can detect the tentative tip toes around conversations that we have.
Their attempt at making light of my problems when it comes to work.
Them trying to reduce the pressure that I seemed to have put on my own shoulders.

Sometimes, thinking about things make me sick.
and I throw up. Literally.

Its not something that is new or foreign to me.

It usually jolts me back into a single thought.
"I better had get my shit together now."


Sometimes I wonder if the means are worth the ends.
That the goals that I've reached. Have they made me deliriously happy?

and it hurts to say that, most time, reaching my goals, did not make me happy.
it didnt exactly leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling like it should.

Funnily enough, after going through hell fire and brimstone, I never cease to amaze myself at the hard, cold and brief acknowledgment that I treat my achievements with.

almost a feeling of.
"fuck so what. its over."

I dont know if its normal behaviour or just a twisted trait that I have.

Things going well doesn't feel good even though I know that they should.

I suppose its something that I will have to work on. But its so wired in me that I dont know how to even begin.

My mum is worried.
I can tell.
She pointed out, that now I am here. Alone.
There are zero distractions.

There isnt any friends to go out with.
There isnt any family functions that I have to attend.
There isnt any other responsibilities.

and I think, in her mind that equates
" He is going to go on one of his mad dashes into oblivion again."

and I actually agree.

I take a step back and I see where I am headed.
I see how I am putting myself through the things I have been through before.

A obsessive perverse route.

but its just so easy to fall back into this highway to hell.

Its like
"fast fast fast"
"work work work"
"DO NOT FALTER AT ALL COSTS"



I will be the first one to admit, that the way I do things is not healthy.
I hurt myself and not to mention others.

I realize that I need help. But on one hand, seeking help equates bowing down to a weakness which is something that I loathe.

Its not blind stupid ego, its a sense of indignant misdemeanor that I blame myself for.


EVERYTHING in my life seems have a need to be pleasing. Practically and aesthetically. Anything less seems to be a travesty.


The bottom line is, the results, I am not sure if they are justified by the means.

I really dont.

I need someone to save me.



in anycase,
my next port of call after these 2 years.
Maybe not be going back home or staying here in australia.


I think I have made, perhaps a snap decision based on a offer. ( one example of my "results" or "achievements" if you like.)


The Land of The Rising Sun.

Japan. Tokyo.

Right after my last day of my 2 years of university education.

What do you all reckon?

So.

I remember, about 4 years ago.
There was a project required of me.

I decided to do a newspaper front page.
A mock up.

2 people came thru for me on that project.

I did well.

I enjoyed it immensely.

and i remembered thinking to myself.

This is what I want to do.


4 years down the road. it cumulates into something like this.




so what?

so yes.

I suppose I am doing what I want.

WORK IN PROGRESS




if the prof is a prude, I will fail.

if the prof is a sex maniac with deviant sexual taste.
I'll score.

simple idea.

risk.

The Question.

Is not if internazionale should sell Adriano.

The question is,

How much can he fetch?

I dont even know her name.
But I think I have fallen in love with her.

Are we really growing up?

Just read about jess's 'quit smoking cold turkey' regime.

Well, I'm not down to zero a day. But been keeping level at less than 7 a day.

I even managed to make my 25 piece - calmness/happiness/stinkiness/pickmeup - pack stretch 4 days.

Are we really growing up?
Giving up smoking?

Its a long hard slog. I'm not sure if I can make it for myself.










Some might say, we might find a brighter day.

A update of sorts is due I suppose.

I am taking 4 modules this semester.

Mass Com Theory

Journalism and Commu

Culture, Identities, Commu

and Editing.



Mass Com Theory and Editing are subjects that only year 2 undergrads take. But because the whiteman likes me, I'm forced to take it in my first year first semester. Not too bright I admit, but i haven't got much of a choice.


Both subjects are tough. Editing in particular is killer.
Mass com theory, with diligent studying, is a-ok.


Identity, culture and comu.
This subject?
Total tosh. bollocks.
talk cock subject.


Journo and Commu?
Alright.
best part?
Photography lectures.

Eat your heart out Jess, MX.




So how has uni life been?
Lets just say in between commuting and studying, I'm pretty much washed up on the shore. Face first in the sand. with gritty bits in between my teeth.

Not much energy to think of other stuff or entertain unimportant thoughts.
Every night, I plop into bed and within 10 minutes, I'm out. I'm clocking, on average, 5 to 6 hours sleep a day. Thats not too shabby by my standards as compared to 3 - 4 hours or non at all.

I loss weight.
I haven't been eating like I used too.
I hate the food here but yet I cant be bothered to cook.
Sometimes I just crunch on cornflakes.
I'm not complaining, I'm just stating a fact.
I suppose, when it comes to food, its just sustenance for me. I eat because I don't want to be hungry. thats all.


Writing essays after a dead brain period of 2 years is not easy. My first essay was horrendous if you ask me. I've been overwriting like a bitch for every single piece that I have to do. Looking at my drafts after a period of calm, Ive proceeded to tear up everything and rewrite.

The flow is not there and its breaking my brain and making it bleed profusely.

I certainly hope to get in the rhythm soon. I don't pay exorbitant school fees to get mediocre results.

As for interaction with university mates, its almost zero. I cant seem to be bothered to socialise.

Group work is such a chore. Its up till now that I realise I work much better alone. I don't need people to hold my hand and I certainly do not wish, want to hold any other person's hand when it comes to work.

I HATE replying my work group's emails. misspelled, bad format, bad quoting and using language that you usually use with your pals.

I am not your pal so fuck off.


an example?

"Sam, your idea is ACE!"

I mean. Fuck off!
ACE? fuck off!
and its a fuck shit piss of an idea to begin with.

Thats one of the reasons why I don't talk much during my tutorials.
I don't suffer fools. But somehow, many fools made it into the university.








What do I do apart from fulfilling the typical Asian mugger stereotype?
I watch DVDs.
Every Thursday, I hit video ez and rent at least 7 DVDs.
On weekends, I study and I watch DVDs. Sometimes I walk the dog.
Thats about it.


I usually don't have school on Thursdays and alternate Mondays.
I try as much as I can do just kick back and relax.

Today, I spent most of my afternoon at the near by starbucks. Had my lunch, a pizza and my coffee. It almost felt like back home, sitting there with a cuppa reading a book. A session like this, always seems to make me feel slightly better.

But by far, I think I enjoy Fridays the most.

I finish at noon on Fridays.
For the past 2 weeks, the charm and lure of South Bank has lead me to spend my afternoons there.

Lunch at the riverside is something that I've never done much. It is pleasant there, even in winter. Fish and Chips, a sandwich and a soda. Yea, I must admit, its pretty enjoyable.

I'd walk with camera in toll, taking photographs just for fun. Practicing being incognito, shooting people without them noticing. Not easy. (one flaw I notice with DSLRs, the shutter sound. loud.)

It always seems like the best way to end a week. Just pounding the pavement on a Friday afternoon, leaving the worries of school work till the next day.

I think yes, it is quite a way to unroll my knotted up thoughts in my head.




it is quite a conundrum when I am asked if I am happy.
Yes?
No?
Some parts good, some parts not so good?


Its not easy to answer really.

Do I want to go home?
Yes?
No?

Not a easy question to ask as well.


Coming out into the world, opening your eyes, looking back home.

I am not sure anymore.

Do I fit here?
no?
But I don't seem to fit back home as well.


I guess, I'll just see where my trusty feet brings me.

Till my next entry.

again,
Mucho Gracias, for all the support my friends.

Dairy of a Boy & a Girl.


Girl, August 20th 2007


He is acting weird today.

The plan was to meet at starbucks at 3pm this afternoon.
I was alittle late because I was held up at grandma's lunch function.

When I got there, he seemed slightly unhappy. I wonder if he is angry at me for being late.

He seemed very subdued today. He just sat there drinking his coffee and not talking much.

He didnt even seem excited when I gave him the book that I bought him.


We went for dinner thereafter. He left it up to me to decide where to take dinner which was unusual. It seems like he didnt care.

He didnt say much during dinner. He didnt finnish his food which wasnt normal.

When he sent me back, not a word was exchanged on the taxi.

I asked him whats wrong.
He just shrugged it of and replied "alls well."

I am sure he was hiding something.



At my door, I kissed him on the cheek and said " I love you."

He gave a slight smile.

and muttered "thanks."

and he just left.

I certainly wasnt looking for thanks.

I waited till late, no SMS, call or a message on MSN from him.

I'm sure he has had a change or heart.
I think he is going to leave me.

My notebook is wet.
I dont know why I'm crying.

Maybe he really is leaving.

Tonight, I shall fall asleep broken. I hope tmr will be more gentle with me.












Boy, August 20th 2007


man utd lost to man city.

CCB FUCKING MORONS! $@#%$^$&%*%

Ok.

PM rally speech.

altho im here in brisbane, i get updates from reliable sources k.

first bone.
CPF. wait until 65 then can draw.
one month draw little bit. not enough? your pasar.

if i die before all my CPF finnish, my money go to my kids or wife.

if you die, no will, no kids, no wife, your money go government.

is that why they dont allow one time withdrawals anymore?

fuck, i confirm leave a will.

on my will it reads
anyone but g-unit.


Bone2
more than half singaporean only got more than 45k in their CPF.

really? really? never bluff?

I didnt know that half of singaporeans are living in poverty after working for so many years like the great g-unit directed us to.
maybe not being elites got something to do with it.


last time, 55 can retire.
then become 60.
then 62.
now 65

rational is people nowsadays dies at 80 years old.

do they know what the term "flogging a dead horse" means?

very apt chiu noes?



when i'm 60, i dont want to work anymore.
what i want, is big titted young ladies serving me pina colada by the pool while i play video games all day long.

i really dont fancy working at maccers flipping burgers and getting bellowed at for flipping it alittle too slow.


and besides, not everyone wants to work till they are 80 plus.
take the hint man.

Say hello







It is nice. I like.

I'm not political.

I steer away.

I dont write about it nor do I think about it if I can help it.



but today is abit different.
I'm feeling disillusioned and very disturbed.

Alfian is my friend.

this is my finger to you.

you know who you are.


and perhaps Mu, what you didnt get, is a blessing in disguise.

Linn, never let what lead you there in the first place to be lost.


Such is bureaucracy.
I know it.
I exploit it.

but it doesn't mean I like it.

It just means I can make it work.

its been 37 days since I've taken a pill to help fall asleep at night.

37 days.

Not bad.

Got this off Straits Times Interactive.


Small gestures can make a big difference
By Mathew Pereira



I WAS watching one of those fun weekend adult-versus-youth football games about two years ago in which my sons Shaun and Marcus were playing when I noticed a skinny, lanky kid struggling on the pitch to keep up with the speed, agility and skill level of his teammates.

Not surprisingly, the teenager was replaced after a few minutes and was standing on the sidelines, sulking at being given such a brief outing.

This boy has always been a bit of a loner but I decided to walk up to him to keep him company. After all, the first conversation we had was when he stopped me abruptly one day to ask me about how newspapers got their news.

As soon as I pulled up to his side, he started complaining about being substituted so quickly, though he did concede that he was playing badly.

He usually plays better, he said, and started telling me about a game he had played for his class just a week earlier, proudly announcing: 'I scored two goals.'

Then suddenly he blurted: 'I wish my father had seen me.'

'I dribbled so well that day, I beat a few players and the goals were very nice goals.'

He repeated: 'My father should have seen me. I played so well.''

I have met this boy's father on two or three occasions. He is in his mid-40s and superfit. I know this because when I was introduced to him, he was in running shorts and singlet. He had just completed a 2.4km run in slightly over 10 minutes, an impressive time for a guy his age. He was apologetic about his sweaty hands and said: 'I just finished doing some trackwork.'

Now, normal human beings jog or run - only serious athletes call their training 'trackwork'. During that chat, he went on about youths today and how they didn't have the coordination and agility and strength of the older generation.

He had even pointed to his son as an example, adding that he would tell his son to play just to have fun.

Then it clicked. That boy, judging by the way he confided in me at the soccer game, obviously wanted to impress his father.

Yet, would the Dad have been impressed?

Because the event itself - an inter-class game - was quite insignificant.

That it was a mundane event did not matter to the teenager, though. Just the fact of his father coming down to watch would have made a difference to him.

Sadly, few parents I know go to watch their children play or perform in school. And even if they do, they usually save themselves for the big final game which, of course, often never materialises.

I react like most of these parents, too, waiting for the Big Occasion and letting other opportunities slip by.

When my son Shaun completed his basic military training recently, we went for a buffet meal to celebrate; time for the family to bond, I thought, well-meaningly.

However, at the buffet, we were all focused on getting our money's worth.

After the dinner, my three kids were too stuffed with food. They could either talk or breathe - not both.

So much for bonding.

Instead, the best times to bond have proven to be something I originally dreaded, fearing it would be a tiresome chore - the long drive on Sunday evenings every weekend to drop my son off at the Safti Military Institute for his training.

This is the camp he has been posted to after his basic military training for national service.

This 30-minute drive has turned out to be a delight.

During that slow drive, this NS-man son of mine holds court, telling me and his two teenage siblings about the week that had passed - the highs and the lows, his and his fellow trainees' blunders, the rewards and the punishment.

There are the occasional interjections from my two other kids: 'What!', 'Really?', 'Did he really do that?'

All three kids cackle away throughout the drive. Considering how often they squabble over the smallest of things, this is really something.

The hearty laughter, seeing them enjoying each other's company and my son returning to camp in such high spirits leave me with a wonderful feeling.

For me, it is a great way to end the weekend.

Often I make well-intended plans about how the family can take time out and go for a nice meal together, or go on holiday together at the end of the year.

But in waiting for that special occasion, countless other simple daily opportunities slip by. Now, with my son coming back from camp only on weekends, I realise the need to seize every opportunity I get.

Like the teenage boy who wished his father was at his class football game, and the Sunday evening trips to drop my boy off, these simple opportunities are so easy to miss.

It took my son going into NS for me to realise that.

Rootless Tree

What I want from you is empty your head
But they say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is learn to let go
But we fade the forests, fracture the tide
We go blind when we needed to see
And it leans on me, like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all you didn't do
I said bleed it, bleed it, bleed it
There's nothing in you
And do you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so much
That you can't let me out, let me out, let me out
Of hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is to learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that is old
Killers re-invent and believe
And it leans on me, like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all you didn't do
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothin' anyway
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so much
That you can't let me out, let me out, let me out
It's hell when you're around

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing anyway
And do you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so much
That you can't let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out








Its hard to believe.
But its a Damien Rice song.
I hate to admit it but it strikes a chord.

How Little We Know.


I've been here for nearly a month.

I cant say that I like everything about this place.
Nor can I put a finger to something that I intensely dislike. (altho public transport comes close.)

University has started.

Its just like 2 years ago.
Me sitting in the lecture theater listening to the lecturer teach.
Taking down notes.

The only difference this time is that I actually have notes printed out and have read them before the lecture.

I don't have any friends.
Yet.
I must admit, sometimes I wish for a peer to speak to face to face.
But me being me, I usually get over it without having to do anything.

I live in a little suburb called Helensvale. Its situated in gold coast. Its very near to all the theme parks that gold coast is famous for. I visited them when I was 11. But somehow, it doesn't seem to attract me anymore.

The beaches here are very scenic. The Spit, Surfers paradise and others.

Just behind my house is a large field and just beyond the large field is a wildlife sanctuary.

It is very peaceful and quiet here. Its a setting where anyone can undertake serious thinking about questions in life.

The pace of life is slow. Things get done when they get done. People never seem to rush and bus drivers give out change when you buy a ticket.

Lunch always seems to be a prolonged affair.
People usually take their lunches in cafes or have them at the park or lake near the uni.

They sit on the grass and munch on their sandwiches while swigging juice out of a bottle.

Couples lay on the grass not doing anything in particular.

Sometimes, I sit and read on a bench in the park.
The weather is quite pleasant when the sun is out.

Sometimes, I go to the beach to look at the waves crashing against the jetty.


But soon, I am going to move out of Helensvale.
I'm very comfortable here.
Vince and Wella has been nothing but nice to me.
I enjoy seeing Tyrone grow alittle bigger everyday.
I like bringing sumo out for walks and playing fetch with him.

But I'm moving out.

The official reason is that its too far away from university.
and its a valid reason. Its seriously quite far away.

But it dawned on me a couple of days ago.

Its too quiet here.

I think, all in all, I'm still a city dweller at heart.
I seem more comfortable navigating the busy streets among the skyscrapers.

So yes, I've decided to move nearer to school and nearer to Brisbane city.

I long for the quiet life.
But I know, the quiet life is never going to satisfy me.


To my friends,

I miss you guys.
Its fucken quiet around here.
I've nothing much to do on weekends and the food is terrible.




Till I blog again. (which i think will be soon.)

Ciao.

Bril-fucking-liant.

late for the first lecture.

f-efing transport systems.

Where things happen.

















yes yes, my desk is messy.
yes yes, I'm excessive.
yes yes, its overkill.


But its my desk and its how I like things to be.


Gigaworks T20 sats speakers
Seagate Free Agent Ext Hdd
Macbk 1.83ghz , 2 GB Ram,
19'' dell WS,
ATH ES-7,
4th Gen iPod,
Piece of Shit Dopod C720W smartphone,
nikon d40, holga cfn, (there are more unpictured.)
Rzar ProcLick 1.6 with Aluminum pad,
bottled water, diet coke and fags.

and my sunnies and glasses all over the place.

my windows laptop is not set up cause there is just not enough space.
I need another desk...


and oh, if my home gets broken into, I'll probably just kill myself =[

Sumo is very well trained.

He doesn't eat till he is told to dine.

Look at him drool.


I put the food down.
But I dont give the command to have dinner.

Sumo is a crazy dog.

Important things first.

Starbucks, Westfield Plaza.
5 Mins Bus Ride away.

Cinema, Harbour Town.
15 Mins Bus Ride away.


I'm pretty settled.

I've got a starbucks and the movies.


I'm well but its fucken cold.
I'll get over it.

Will post some pictures soon.

gonna stop now, my fingers are abit stiff to type properly.

I just wanted to get something off my chest.


I am not happy.

1 week before departure.

and I'm suddenly having a very bad case of jitters.

I've not slept for 36 hours straight and have smoked approximately 40 cigarettes with many shots of espresso in between.

I have not even started and I'm feeling tremendous pressure.

Not from anyone but from myself.

I am not happy.

I am not happy with myself.

This shouldn't be happening.

I'm a wreck and I look a wreck.

I need sleep, rest, calm. badly.

This shouldn't be happening when things are the way I want them to be.

New post.
Yay!


Those of you expecting me to blog about my birthday, forget about it. I'm not doing it.

All I'll say is that it went exceedingly well and that I got swell presents.

How does it feel to be 22?

fucken old.


Todays post is probably gonna sounds like gibberish to most of you so if you had a heavy day before reading this, i suggest you dont. If you havent had a heavy day before reading this, I suggest you dont as well, this is to ensure that you dont have a bad day thinking of the perfectly good 5 mins you wasted reading this post.


Recently, I've been very obsessed with this video game called Forza Motorsports 2.
Basically, its a racing sim. My obsession is so bad that you can hear my scream "vtec kui liao!" for no aparrant reason.

Now tonight has been a really unsatisfactory night of racing.
My B class subaru WRX STI 04 just refuses to behave itself.
I'm experiencing loads of understeer that I cant correct properly with the throttle.

Give it too little gas, it refuses to turn, give it more gas, it leaves rubber on the floor.
No good, no good.

Tuning didnt really help.
Screwing around with the suspension settings didnt really change much.

The maths involved was just mentally boggling.
an e.g would be something like
weight of car X 0.02 (rebound rating)
weight of car X 0.03 (damper rebound)

with these set of figures, you gonna then adjust the slip differential.
which formula is something like this e.g
weight of car X 423.3 (which is car weights X 0.032)
after which you use the value and multiply by the slip differential percentage.
In the end, I ended with with a differential slip rating of 64% in the front tires and the 44% in the rear tires.

With this settings in place, THEROTICALLY, you will be able to muniplate your AWD train car to the behaviour of a RWD car.
This is all in theory.

When you bring it out to track, you now realise that the rear has too much power for your AWD style of driving.
So you try to adapt.
But in the end, it still doesnt feel right.

Its like, I cant take the cockscrew turn on laguna seca like I usually am able to do so.

going up the hill in 4th gear, you shift down towards 2 taking all due percaution in not burning out your engine and transmission.
Once you hit the downhill potion, you swing the car from left to right and back left again and let the car roll down the hill without depressing the throttle.

NOW, the problem is when you get to the bottom of the hill, you give it maximum gas, hoever because of the slip differential difference between the front and the rear, your tail will start running away from you.
So to rectify that, you counter steer and feather the gas.
This solves the problem. well, sort of solves the problem...

Another e.g will be the 130R on suzuka.
Its called the 130 R because its a left hand corner that you are theoratically able to take at 130miles per hour.
Well, in theory that is.
You enter that corner full of gas flat out and usually you go as fast as you dare with the throttle.
half throttle or full throttle.
usually, people downshift or tap the brakes to gently slow down to the desired speed,

Today the 130R was a mess. Entering the corner, i let of half the gas in order not to let the real end run.
I didnt drop a gear because i didnt want a too sever engine brake.

Lo and behold, entering the corner, releasing the throttle, expecting a drop of speed.

and guess what.

the mother fucking thing kept going.
Ended up ploughing into the wall damaging the engine and the transmission which translates into the end of the race for me.


Its a real headache.
Tomorrow, I shall try and adjust the brake biasness, camber settings, tire pressure and gear rations IF i have time.


You know, after all this, I swear, that if my primary maths school teacher said that doing well in math is gonna help in tuning my car, I would have studied way way harder.

all that is left now, is a regret and eating people's exhaust.

Tomorrow, I shall go tweak the car again. This time, I'm determined to make it work.

on my macbook



its called 'different'











icons, left to right
Finder, sys pref, iPhoto, iresize, iMail, Dictionary, Photo Booth, Firefox, MSN, iTunes, Preview, Trashcan.
The rest are my opened windows.
Using customed icons.






I want to tell you all something.

Today is my Operationally Ready Date.

I am happy.

with a tear in my eye, give you the sweetest goodbye

http://www.bob.com.sg/forum/showthread.php?t=37175

sigh.

There is love.

and there is love for kettle chips!















Saw this rack at carrfour on sunday and threw an instant fit, spewing white foam and having spasms all over.


God bless the kettle chips.
Especially the Dijon Mustard flavour.

This is the ultimate po-tah-toh cheap.

not very cheap tho.
440 per pack.
very sad portions as well.

But the taste is explosive. it really is. ask fn. lolol.

Junk food like this shouldn't exist.

The world would be good if it was made of cadbury.
But the world would be GREAT if it was made of kettle chips.
Just make sure that there is plenty of water after the chips.

Kettle Chips.
oh fucking awesome.

Even when the sun is shinning, I cant avoid the lightning.

So yes. I'm back from my little get away from singapore with all its pressures, stress and idiosyncrasies that never fail to amaze, astound and disgust me.

So how was my holiday?

Well, it was great.

We didnt exactly do anything strenuous or exciting actually.
We just relaxed.

and it was uber

Its something to be able to forget everything else and just be yourself.

I survived 5 days without my cell phone and the internet. (well, I cheated abit, I wrote some emails on my cell to be sent upon my return, but well, I had the spare time to write some, so what the hell.)
So its pretty good I would say.

During the holiday, we got loads of grub, sleep, sun, sand and sea.

Infact, I just uploaded the photos to my mac. I havent yet processed them. I'll wait till I collect the prints from the underwater camera , the holga and process them all in one shot. I think they'll be ready something next week, so I guess I'll sit tight.

I promise pictures of masks, snorkels and kingkongs swimming.


Anyway...
Did you know that little fishes bite?

Yes they do.

The little mofos.


Well then, I'll blog more about the trip when I get the pictures done.










We Do, What We Need To Be Free.
We Go Blind, When We Needed To See.

We're growing up in a world that has devalued the ideals of the word 'love' because we're more interested in looking out for ourselves than putting anyone else first.

How does one stay on the line between self interest, self preservation, self defense and the kind of "fuck-all-fuck-everything-I-dont-fucking-care" love for someone that we sometimes feel?

If we fight we think we have to win.
If we argue we refuse to back down.
If we perform a chore or task we expect a favour in return.
We play tit for tat.
We hurt each other and take a perverse joy in doing so.
We can deny it but we never seem to see it.
and sometimes
The worst of all, we hurt ourselves.







The Japanese - they had no word for love until the West 'invaded'.

Their relationships were therefore made up of degrees of friendship, lust and affection.

Modern relationships are no different.
You can apply friendship, lust and affection to every single interpersonal relationship you have.

It is unreasonable to believe that you could never love another person - although keeping realistic, some people may never because people are different. But there is no rule of the human mind that says you can only love one single person.

Varying degrees.
Not one can place a quantitative numeral on the degrees in which we love, cherish and care for another being.
But sometimes we try.
Songs try.

Sometimes we say the words.
I Love You.

Do you love your parents?
When was the last time you told your parents that you loved them?

15 year old couples say their 'love you's a dozen times a day.
I suppose this is what we call the principal of diminishing returns.
Because a few weeks down the road, they could very well split.

When you never ever split from your parents who have loved you your whole life, even if they never uttered those words in the time of your entire existence.

I suppose that sometimes, the most precious messages in the world are left unsaid so as to preserve their meaning and feelings.

But I'm proud.
I'm proud to say that I've never felt more honest and sincere on the 3 occasions in which I admitted and stated how I felt.
Once, it didn't even come out as a statement but rather a admission with a accompanying sigh.



In our life. We go round. Big circles in our life and return to the starting point of our interpersonal relationships.

We evaluate these relationships and most times, we find that we return to what we started feeling for a particular person.

Love for your parents.
Fellowship and camaraderie with your friends.
The overwhelming affection and a desire to care and provide for your potential/ life partner.

The intensity of the feelings may have dampened or may have intensified.
But we return to think the best of them. The best of times that you have spent together and remember the best of that person.

We sometimes fail to see how they have disappointed or hurt us in the past because we are mostly not brave enough to grab hold of those memories and justify why we still love that person despite of everything.

Dredging up the past will make it plain to see that enough is enough.

But we never do dredge up the past. Because we cant. We cant bring ourselves to forsake a person and the beautiful memories that we hold.


We are weak.

But in emotions, we find strength.

With strength, we forgive.

With forgiveness, we give a chance.

With chance, we habour a hope.

And with hope,

We dream for a future.






I hope.

Most times I try.

Sometimes I don't.

And when I don't,

I usually find myself back where I came from.

Hoping.












Its been a long post. I don't know why, but I always do one of these posts after a holiday. I suspect that its developing into a very bad habit.

but anyway,
good night ladies and gentlemen.

I've gone through 5, 6 cigarettes (who counts?) blogging and its already 4am.

and I've got to get to my grand's at 9am.

Its time I hit the sack.

Blog soon.
I promise.

So you know, I just felt like writing alittle stuff before I leave.

Its 4am. Gonna have to get prepared soon.

I've not slept a wink. Its usually like that. I'm thinking too much into things.
Its like, I never sleep before some exciting or when I have plans that I'm looking forward too the next day.
Many times, I just end up tossing around and finally give up and get up.

This early morning is one of those days.
When I have a quiet contentment to deal with.
Well, not really quiet, just a short period of calm.

So yes, I'm going on a short trip. 5 Days.

Not sri lanka(gutted), just some island in malaysia. Tourist trap? Im not sure.

But tioman it is.

But I'm looking forward to it.

Some time to get away. Not having to pick up phone calls (thank god i dont have auto raom) which I never like picking up. (but still do pick up in the end).

Generally, I cant wait to get away from all of this for awhile.
Internet, tv and stuff.

We'll just see how a uber urbanized rat like me can cope.


I'm bringing my cameras.
I may take some photos, I may not.
Depends on my mood.

But yea, I'm looking forward to this.

Alright. Stopping now.
Gonna take a bath and get some breakfast before I leave.

Till tuesday. ciao.

im at starbucks now.

and all the jealouse winbloze users are green with envy and red with shame.

the vista machine next to me has hunged twice already.

the girl with the fujitsu is trying to hide her laptop but its impossible as she is trying to hide and use it at the same time.


my macbook is winking at all the ugly computers around.

she is saying "you dont stand a chance. ugly bitches like you? should just stay at home."

This sucks major balls.

fucking sri lankan trip got fucking cancelled.

fuck the fucking tamil tigers.

knnbccb

now we got to fucking look for an alternate destination.
fucking hell.

Supposed to be fucken brilliant come thursday now its just a fucken drag.

fucking hell.
nbcb.

i cant stop swearing.
i cant help it.

fark.

Really,

3 months coming feels too long,

and therefore

1 1/2 hrs on the phone seems too brief.

545am.

I promised chief that I'll head back today to clear up the mess that my understudy made.
So here I am, waiting for the rest of the family to get up for breakfast before I leave for camp.

Me?

I didnt sleep at all.


I spent the whole night surfing the net, watching tv and reading.

I'm craving a cigarette right now.
I finnished the pack sometime last night.
and I'm itching for a smoke.

This usually doesnt happen to me, I usually dont find myself short of cigarettes.
I'm not the sort to only buy a new pack when I finnish.

I used too, but not anymore.

I reckoned that, you know, why wait till it runs out?

I think it not only applies to the number of smokes I have in my pack, I think it applies to alot of things.

Why wait till the last minute?

Gee.

I like people who are dependable.
and people who do things last minute, or people who wait for a action before giving a reaction are usually not very dependable.

I understand that sometimes, there are things we cannot foresee and thus we cannot guard against or prevent.
But many times, I see people heading into disaters that they know are there.

Like, just there. Over there.
and yet, they go towards it.

Its erm...... hard for me to understand.

and this is the most prevalent in the organisation that Im in now.

We see a potential problem, we dont react.
We let it fester.

We only react, when the problem becomes a mistake because we have too.
Anything that can be shoved under the carpet, we shove.
IF we have to react, how do we react?

We react by pointing fingers.
Not very smart is it?

But such is the culture, that instead of heading off the potential of a problem, we let the potential become a mistake and then, instead of thinking of a solution , we decide on who to send to the head man.

This may seem unimportant.
But heh, its just the serving the nation. Nothing much really.
Serving.

My tour is coming to an end.
In my job, I cant exactly say that I served, or defended my nation.
What I did, I did in to my best capacity.
I didnt mind sacrificing my time, money and relationships.
Most of the time, i even enjoyed my work.

But very very glaringly. What did I do during my tour?
What was my job?

I cant exactly give people a concise answer.
Nor can I explain to people what my job is.

The Headman.
I think this come the closest.
No, Im not the the head of the department or anything like that.

So what does Headman mean?
Headman refers to the person who takes the head off.
and regretfully to say, for the good part of 2 years, I've decided the fate of the damned.

Some of them made mistakes while some of them were plain dumd.
Some I felt aggrieved for, some I rubbed my hands with glee when I laid my hands on the big ass chopper.

Im not a better person or a worse person for this.
I've learnt some stuff. I've developed some habits.
yes, this 2 years has done something for me.

But sometimes, i find it a pity.
I didnt serve the country nor defend the nation.
I cant exactly say that Ive played my part.

I didnt really exactly do those things.

If you ask me what I did.
and if I was to be perfectly and honestly brutual.

I would say.
"Erm, lets just say that Im not the person you wanted to see anywhere in camp. Where you see me, trouble will absolutely be certain to follow."

thats it, breakfast is almost ready.
I can hear the eggs sizziling in the hot pan.
Time for some breakfast before I get my hands dirty.
and the question in my head for the next few hours would be.
"How many days does this soldier deserve?"

Why havent I been blogging?

I should have been actually.
I'm clearing leave.
I've got loads of time.
I've had alot of time to develop some interesting ideas.

so why havent I been blogging regulary like I managed to do so even with being bogged down with work?

I dont know actually.
But perhaps, since my days are spent at my leisure, I dont seem to find the need to blog at night. And I think its a good thing.

I use to blog after work and talk about my crappy day or how irritated I am with things around me.
Its a place for me to vent after a long day at work. Thus, I'll be the first to admit that the posts do have a certain whinny quality to it.
And I also know that its a drag to read. Believe me, its even a drag to write, so I can only imagine how much my dear friends suffer at reading what I have wrote.


Oh well, I'm trying to change my blogging habits.
I may not blog as frequently but at the same time, i'll try not to whine as much.


I've been watching alot of movies during the past 2 months. Some with friends, but mostly alone. I like watching movies alone, it leaves the mind empty to concentrate on the movie and it leaves the mouth empty for coke and maybe some chips when I'm in the mood. If only they'd allow smoking in the cinemas, then it'd be perfect.

The movie doesnt try to engage in mindless chatter with me.
The movie doesnt judge me.
The movie doesnt care.
The movie just trys to entertain me.
I like that, its emotionally detached.
its one way.
and all the good is only coming my way.
I dont give anything to the movie.
well, except maybe 9 bucks.

Movies that I caught from feb to today.
1) Paris, je'taime (krap, it does have natalie portman innit.)
2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (awesome, I almost cried.)
3) The Pursuit of Happiness. ( draggy. But passable.)
4) Music & Lyrics (gay. but alright.)
6) 300 (Gory. Pretty but brainless.)
7) Path Finder (Retarded. REALLY retarded.)
8) Shooter (Good stuff if you like guns.)
9) Sunshine (I'd say the best of the lot.)

Thats 9 movies and I think I missed a couple.


and I intend to catch more.
"Smokin Aces", "Wild Hogs" and "Breaking and Entering"




In addition to watching movies, I've been playing video games =]
From feb to now, I've got 3 new games to play with.
Ghost Recon Advance Warfighter 2 (Good stuff!)
Tony Hawk Project 8 (pretty good.) and
Fifa 07 (crap)

Video games are great.
I'm not explaining why video games are great.
I've posted something about this topic a couple of months back. So now, I'm not gonna repeat themes.


I've been reading like a mad man as well.
Within this 2 months, I've finnished re-reading 13 books.
Some new reads, some re-reads. Some good, some not so good and some just disgusting.

Regarding books, sometime last month (i cant remember exactly the date or anything) I headed out to town intending to buying something at funan (cant remember what) but i forgot to put a novel in my bag.
I only discovered that I'd left home without something to read when I was done at funan and heading towards starbucks.
So I decided to get something at MPH.
I walked in, looked about and decided to settle for this book by some dude called Dean Koontz or something along those lines.
I got it because there was an entire shelf level devoted to his books and all those words that sell books. (NEWYORK BEST SELLER! BEST THRILLER THIS YEAR! and the like bullshit.)

So I thought, it CANT be that bad.
i finnished the book within 2 days.
and I felt that its probably the worsts 17 dollars Ive spent in a long time.

Plot. Its alright. Would make a good movie.

My main grouse? or rather, observation?
Books are no longer beautifully written.
I call modern books, the blockbuster kinds.

What do I mean by a blockbuster book?
Firstly, it has a plot. or semi semblence of a plot.
The plot moves along very very quickly.
Making sure you want to read the next chapter as soon as possible.
It tries to make you rip thru the pages devouring violence, sex and impossibly bland characters.
Its all very Dan Brown-ish.

I'm sure most of you have read a Dan Brown book.
Whether its the accalimed Da Vinci Code or the best selling Angels and Demons.

But have you read "Remains of The Day" by Kazuo Ishiguro?
What about "The Shadow of the Wind? by Carlos Ruiz Zafon?
"A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby?

If you have read these books as well as the blockbuster books.
I'm sure that you'll notice something.
Langauge.

if you havent, I suggest you go to your usual bookstore and get em.

"Remains of the Day" has no gripping plot. Its not a book that constantly needs you to flip the page. But why is it so good?
Simple.
Because its so beatifully written. How can a book about a english butler be even mildy interesting? Its not, but what it is, is that its absolutely captures the soul of a different place at a different time.
Where the words are able to bring you to a different place and almost exprience what the characters in the books are expriencing.
There is nothing, really, in this world can be better than sitting, reading a book like this and just reveling in the story telling.

Speaking about characters. I seldom find great characters in blockbuster books. I cant even remember the name of the protaganist in the dean-somethings book.
But I do remember every single of the 4 characters in Hornby's "A Long Way Down"
It isnt a long book. But what it had, was characters with such depth, that you feel what they feel, you empathise what they are going thru and you are happy for them when they pull thru whatever struggles they encounter.
and this depth of character, was convened thru brilliant writing and not plot.

Books like that wont make you turn pages.
Books like that make you re-read the paragraph that you just read. They make you wonder how is it possible that brilliance like that, could possibly be recorded and written down on paper.
These books, they dont let you forget.
The one important thing.

Why you loved reading in the first place.

Its not about the plot.
Its not about the character.

If these were the 2 most important things, then the TV would be a better median that a book.

What a book has, that the vulgar tv doesnt.
is beauty of the language.

and I feel very sorry, that the raving reviews of books that I've heard from peers or the media usually got to do with these block buster bullshits.

Have we forgotten what a book is?
Its a idea penned.
Its a emotion penned.

its not just another median to promote violence, sex and whatever new superfulous plots that a writer can think of.

Blockbuster books, dont evoke emotions. They arnt beautiful. They are just thrilling.
and like the end of every thrill, you get a sinking, empty feeling right after you finnish.
Thrills arnt satisfying after you are thrilled. They leave you drained.


Proper books, leaves you satisfied and gives you fufillment.
In our present times of ever expanding salaries and material needs.
I just hope that we dont forget about the simple things that fufill and enrich.
I know I wont, because I've known what a good book is and what great books are.
They are more than television, movies, internet and porn.
Special. They are special.







can you say Hole-Gah?
Got the 2 rolls that I sent for developing back.
Cost me a pretty penny.
But I like what I got. I thought them to be quite good and am pleased.
So pleased, that i got more film to screw around with.
hah, will upload them once I manage to scan the images.

JP's 22nd
We had dinner at Fig & Olive.
We went to JP's place to drink.
We all ended up very drunk and pretty happy.
Till some of them starting pthrowing up.
I didnt =]
Just a pounding headache the day after. Its been such a long time since I drank so much. but still a far cry from the Pierside days. Which I regret. Ive done some pretty daft things while drunk, but thats all in the past and I guess we are all better for it.

Sri Lanka.
Tickets. Check.
Accomodation. Check.
Itinary. Check.
3 Mad fellas. Check.
Pack List SAF style. Check.

Oh yes, we are just waiting for the 11th of May. Prepare for adventure.


Operationally Ready Date.
2nd of june. Todays the 16th of april.
about 6 weeks left.
At last. At long fucking last.

University.
Place confirmed.
Fees paid.
Visa done.
Wella, Vincent, Tyron and sumo the labrador waiting for me.
Will probably be leaving on the 1st week of july.
Its all very exciting.

the only problem I have now is getting a computer.

Komputer Pains =[ so very painful.
Its difficult to get a new computer.
I get the distinct feeling that everysales man I meet wants to cheat my money.
its fustrating and i've decided to buy a computer from the 1st honest sales man that I meet.

there are so many models to choose from and so many cheating salesman to negotiate.
Its tough, its more taxing than getting a wife. Its crazy.

Narrowed down to 2 models.

Now, its a shoot out between a MacBook and a Sony Vaio C series.

What I like about the macbook.
pretty as fark.
OS tiger seems to be quite user friendly and screams cool.
Think its pretty stable. more stable then vista anyway.
1 year international warranty, APP also international.

What I dont like about macbook
I asked the sales man to show me if the macbook could do simple photo editing like adding borders and text to a image.
He cant do it on iphoto.
ask me to get adobe. :a-rolleye
(however, if anyone is able to do it, please let me know, the salesman, other than trying to cheat my monehs, may not know his stuff quite well. but sigh, i did ask at a VERY reputable sales outlet.)

I ask the sales man to show me how ms office runs on macbook.
It took forever to start up. i attribute it to ms office not being UB.
and besides, new ms office for mac coming out end of the year where it will be UB.

Its pretty. BUT, its white, glossy and i think it doesnt look that tough at all. I'm pretty careful with my stuff, but i somehow dont feel confident with this machine withstanding the rigours of commuting.

Even tho alot have been said about the software in the macbook, i dont find anything that really entices me.
not being able to add borders or text really baffles me. even ms paint can do it.
and software like iwork and appleaperture (1000 dollars) is bloody expensive.

I currently use photofilter on my xp but i dont think it'll work on the mac. the website didnt state that it can. so im pretty sure that it cant.

Keyboard is bullshit.

Leopard in oct. dont want to spend more on SW.

Accersory prices are nuts. WMM, Apple keyboard. gross.


bottomline: looks very pretty. warranty is good stuff but many things to dislike.





Sony Vaio C 22
1999 at HN. Free 1 gb ram bump, free sony slip case(v.pwetti) AND FREE MS OFFICE 04!

What I like about the Vaio.
Bloody thing is sexay.
Comes in black with coloured accents! and dont have to pay 300 more!
Full, or rather 80% magnesium case. Uber tough, i dont think the case itself is scratchable, unless you handle stuff like a troll. I like. and i believe magnesium dissipates heat better?
Adobe elements bundled. no more free ware for me :p
Light or lighter than the macbook anyway. 2.31kilos.
drive can write dvds. superdrive on the macbook 1.8ghz cant.
winbloze machine, many freeware, many things like my MS smart phone (n80 is gone. happier for it, tho wasnt so happy in the beginning, but it all worked out pretty well. Love my dopod now.) , ipod and XBOX 360 will work seemlessly with a winblows machine.
(If i get the macbook, gotta reformat my ipod. urgh.)


What I dont like about the Vaio
Shitty aftersales service (hear say)

1 year LOCAL warranty only. Need to add $99 for 1 year international. what bollllocccckkkkkks

I ask the saleslady to unlock the computer to give me a go.
Once she logged on, some error msgS popped up. :confused:
Even she didnt know what to do.
As per normal, ignoring all the alarms blaring, she just clicked on the X at the top right hand corner.
Not exactly giving me confidence.
winbloze ah winbloze. haiz. (vista, what shit what shit?!?!?!!?)
Read too many articles online about vista, would wait for SP1 if possible but it aint.

no webcam. (not really that big an issue)

Im not too convinced with the free 1gb ram bump. Since all the retailers ive looked offered the same thing, i drew the conclusion that for vista to run anywhere near passable, you need at least 1gb ram. All those talk about it being able to be runned at 512ram for vista home, i think its only tolerable if you are as slow as a 90 year old geriatic.
pui.

keyboard is horse shite.

Sony got many many many useless software bundled. will slow system down. cant screw around and del em as apparantly it'll screw up some drivers.


bottom line: i like this. the quirks i think i can live with. vista problems should be much better by SP1. Speedwise, i'll just go SLS and get some ram. would just be slightly more expensive than the macbook.


At the moment, I'm really leaning in favour of the vaio. I'd give it more thought before I make my purchase.


I know some of the terms are abit technical and trust me its as baffling to me as to you. But I try to make cowsense of them and I think i'll try to make the most informed decision before I go ahead with my purchase.






woah. Its 4am.
What am I going to do later in the day?
I dont know actually.
and I like this feeling of not knowing how I am going to spend my day.
it does show plenty of promise. Maybe I'll catch smokin aces. yes, maybe I will.
But then again, my plans change with the wind. I guess I'll just see what direction the wind is blowing.


I'll sign off here.
Its a bitch to read such a long entry, but well, its my choice to write and yours to read.
So we cant possibly blame anyone can we?