For you I bleed myself dry.

Personally, it's not really such a big deal to me, this CNY business. In fact, I feel quite awkward about it. Looking at the way things are likely to pan out, it's going to be the same as the past years, just that now i'm get tired more easily and the ang baos are pretty much useless to me. Money is money, but some money is not worth getting out of bed for.

Now now, for a moment, don't think i'm a cynic ( occupational hazard perhaps?) , I think this CNY business is all very traditional and actually quite crucial to the chinese identity.

But then if you think I'm blase about it, you are actually wrong. I just treat it as a date that must be dealt with, with extreme caution. Just like Valentines' Day really.

So that's it for CNY.


So on to something that bugs me. I guess I'm writing about it because I sorta reckon, well hope that writing about it will actually clear my thoughts up on the whole episode.

It goes like this, one of our past interns broke up with her boyfriend sometime back. I think its like 6 months or something. Apparantly he cheated on her or something. Anyway, she has now moved on and hooked up with another guy. Thats' all nice and sweet really.

But then she posted it on FB and now everyone is in a mad lovey dovey frenzy. i'm talking about people in my office whom I work with on a daily basis. While its all niceties of well wishes, I have a gnawing doubt about the sincerity of these wishes.

Sometimes I genuinely hope its just my own selfish being that seems incapable of sharing my attention with people. I believe I have a limited amount of attention, care, love yadda yadda built within me and that it's highly possible that I might spread it too thinly. Like toast with too little butter. Thats to say, I have a finite capacity to care for others.

So when I see people who do share their apparently infinite care for others, I tend to find it kinda phony. But thats just me. Perhaps there are people out there who are really nice and bothers about everyone.

I guess alot of people think I don't care two shits about many things in the world or even the people around me. Thats partially true. I must admit, sometimes I just don't care even when I should. But I defend myself with my reasoning that I have finite care. Not that some of my friends understand. ''Tin man" they call me.

I do see where they are coming from, but I can't do the same as them. Thus I go on in my own peculiar ways.

Back to my point about being all gushy and happy for the intern. Look, everyone has their own friends and family. So how do you manage to care for all your friends, family, pet dog and even your colleagues?

Colleagues are colleagues, not really friends. If they are friends, by all means, but if they are colleagues.....you see where I am getting?

I just don't have enough attention to congratulate you on being in love. Firstly because you are a colleague. Secondly, if I said or wrote what I didnt really mean to write or say, that would be dishonest and thirdly, because I don't really care.


So back to square one, I find myself in a social conundrum.

"hey have you seen ****** new boyfriend? They are awesome together! Have you asked her about it yet?"

"uh...ok yea. sure. sounds awesome."

In my head "I don't really want or need to know. sigh."


if you don't care, people say you are being an asshole. if you show that you care, but on the insides you really dont give three fly fucks, you know yourself that you are an asshole.

So you know what, I rather people think that i'm an asshole than me knowing myself that I am an asshole.

Ok, I think I've cleared this up for myself.

its 4am. i better go to bed. First stop at 10am later.

No. The first stop, I really dont care for it. at all.