I hope you dont mind, what i put down in words.




for the longest time, ive never allowed myself the privilege to just kick back and wallow in self pity, denial, depression and generally lay myself to waste infront of the teevee or by becoming a parasite to my bed..
which is the right, for the rich, childish, the lovelorn and the lazy good for nothings.



but today. I indulged myself.
I slept only to wake up for meals.
I watched television programs which made no real sense.
I left my brain to rot and stale and generally let all the world's bad things happen to it.




so basically, today felt like being in a home for the old, sick and dying.
and no, it does not feel good.

I wonder how come people who are already depressed can indulge in such activities, or should i say non activites?


if anything, the lack of general activity which stimulates the brain causes much more depressive thoughts and anxiety over "what should have beens" and "what ifs" among others.

Which cant be a good thing.

A man cant live his life thinking about the "what ifs" or the "what nots."
He'll become disillusioned and starts to blame everyone else for his faults.
its a very vicious cycle.

He be much better along if he thought of the "what the fucks" in the long run.

now truly, thats true =]





alright. i'm gonna snap out of it right here right now.
im going out for some coffee and mental stiumulation before i book in.

till i vomit again, good night everyone.

argh. the depressived being the one to depraved me of happiness which actually in finality is only one.

the one being.

me.

We go a long way back.

Met fn this evening. and he bought along this writing pad that he used to use in
school. and in it, one particular page, was the minutes of meeting for a family law meeting.


I remember that day. We were outside the library working on the 4 column bullshite. ahh.... memories of school are damn weird.



17th march 04.
thats almost 2 years back.
and that must be the most messy and ridiculous meeting minutes you will ever see.. tsk tsk. law students. LPB will flip if she sees this.


ontop we have chinese translation name of various people.
eh..van halen. stone cold steve austin. axl rose. and many more.
we (obviously not me and fn.) even tested chinese word power by trying to write the names of people in law who had chinese names.




i cant read the chinese characters. my chinese damn bad. anyone able to enlighten?
i asked fn, but fn isnt exactly the kinda person you wanna ask in regards to chinese.
The meeting ended at 5:26pm altho it started at 1100 am.
I ended the meeting. Its in my handwriting no?
yea, we had a tournament that day. thereafter fn, ling and me scooted off to the astro tuff babeh!



I have no idea why ling's name and mine are splashed across the page. dont ask me. I didnt write that.
and you see the part where it says break for lunch?
We had fake ramli burgers at engine school. yuck. shit food.
But after that we did have some other food.
Fn and me particulary remember the popcorn for jupiters cafe.



here you see members of family law group.
and the time the meeting commenced.
I got an honourable mention cause i arrive at 1130 =] half and hour late.

as you can see, fn's handwriting is elaborate and squibbly.
alil hard to read no? this post may seem like utter hogwash to you.
but it brings back many memories for me.

and more often that not, these are good memories.

tired now. gonna go to bed. hit you guys the next time i blog again =]

10 pictures that i really like.

they dont necessary have the elements of award winning photos.

But they just have that something to them that i hold very close to my heart.

They are kinda like documentations of some of my happiest times.

And i keep them, so that if and when memories fade, the photos still remain as vibrant as ever.

Some of these photos are worth more than a thousand words.

These are just 10 of em.

I have many many more.

in my private collection =]

But then, i kinda really like these 10.

so i thought i would share it with the readers of my humble blog.

All these are taken and edited by me.
Hope you see the fun and the memories like I do in these photos.

Enjoy.

Pierside. LawProm



aaron.mx.lu.hanz.shady.zul.




suit.noir


mad cook cooking action figure. batteries and various foodstuff not included.


compasspoint.bbqpit.jess's 20th bday.2005


I cant remember when this photo aws taken. but lihin, despite being skinny, count mount the fence with fat arse mu and nan managed. nan barely tho.


One of the best times in my life. ubin with these guys. fun filled.


This photos just sums it up doesnt it? during one of our numerous footie tournaments.


in the fabled gentlemen's club. Girls/ladies/whores not allowed.
muizz is a whore. but he is an exception =] he is an exceptional whore. with massive bushy ass hair included.






haha. these photos. they just put a smile on my face and kill me at the same time.

would you live your life youself? or would alil voodoo magic help?




I'm a mess. my minds a mess and even my desk is a mess. nabeh.
my work desk a mess.
and its not like i do any decent work on it.
books that i'm reading.
wires all over. essential for all me gadgets.
games sprewn all over the damn place.
coins and more coins all over to much to collate.
its like scrambled eggs around here.



excruiating slow. slow like how most girls walk.
its been a very slow week at work.
working on the court martial case.
dealing with various fucktards.
getting arrows in the chest and even some on my ass.
snorting 100% whey protein for fun in between.
horseing around all the time.
attended the damn court martial today.
the fucker got thrown in fer 6 months.
he derserved it.
HQ cohension outing today.
Went to safra tempines to bowl.
20 lanes. hmm. yea, 20 lanes.
bowled the whole damn afternoon away.

its been a slow slow week.

hope your week has been better.



serve the time fuckhead. You deserve it.
The problem with people nowadays is that they dont think.
Truly. If you think about it. For a second, think about it.

ok. maybe about 10 seconds, but do give it a shot.

People make stupid mistakes because they dont think.
Consequences. think stupid.
elementary watson.

If you dont think, you just end up looking really stupid.

Like how the 5 detainees looked in the dock today.
waiting for their sentences to be read out.
i've never once shed any sympathy for any of them.
Not one onuce.
I do not, for one second, even consider that they may be a victim of circumstances.
No matter what their defending officer might say.
You do the deed, you pay the price.

"PTE so and so, this court hereby sentences you to 6 months detention."

Music to my ears. At least i done have to meddle with him for another 6 months.



and of books.
I spent 70 bucks on books this week.
Battle Royale. Good Omens and Shadow of the wind.
Ima one and a half thru and till now, i think its money well spent.
and yea, with the kino card that was loaned to me by melvin, i got quite a good discount =]



and of valentines.
I dont think St Valentines will approved of what i did on valentine's day.
He'll probably do more than raise a brow.
But do i give a fucking hell's chipmunk's shit?
No. I'm not christian anyway.
The only saint i know would be the ones who give me what i need when i need it.
so there.

Valentines day was spent well. alone. solo.
I went to kino. Followed by coffee at spinellis.
Where I read, drank coffee that cost me 6 bucks, blackend my lungs and commited genocide on my sperm with tobacco (this proves that health warning works but no one really gives a shit.) and dodging giant boquet of flowers that must cost as much as my monthly pay.

Yes, you read that right and didnt imagine their size wrongly.
They are that fucking big , fucking gaundy and fucking ugly.
and the chicks who have em look as tho they are on top of the world.
and the guys beside them, well, the guys just look really poor. in health and in cash =]

and no, the flowers were not even alil charming.
they looked crummy. Where has good taste and common sense gone?!
left back in the victorian times i guess.



of gay cow boys.
watch brokeback mount if gay cow boys are your thing.
I made the mistake of thinking luwin was joking when he told me that its a movie about 2 gay cow boys.
Imagine my face when the scene of the 2 cowboys humping each other in the arse came up.
actually, you cant imagine my face.
it was stuffed in my sweater.
I consider myself to be quite strong in the gut.
But some things, even hercules would buckle under and that shawn cant stomach.
Jet Li is fearless, but i bet he would fear even this.


and gay sex is one of em.




middle eastern food.
i'm thinking. Middle eastern food might just be the best food on earth.
Its true fusion food me thinks. In what food culture can you have sausages (western) with kebabs on the same menue?
and kus kus ( i dont know how to spell it) smacks of spanish patella( i dont know how to spell this as well.)
and if you havent guess. yes, my favourite flavour of the moment is middle eastern.

only bummer is that they dont serve pork.
now imagine, pork kebab. now, thats something to savour.
and thats what i call food fer thought.








nabeh.
and its 4am, time fer me to crash.

Who'd be my bullet valentine.
I remember, all i wanted last year for valentine's day was for my call to be picked up.




This weekend. Was invigorating.
Cept for saturday morning to late afternoon. Had to go back to camp to clean some fucker up.
I spent the weekend chilling out. Met shawn and jo on friday night/ sat morning. Sent clara off to australia on sat early morning.

Saturday evening was good.
Went with lu in search of good food and beer. Not a cent was spared.
Caught 2 movies thereafter.

Sunday was good as well. Had lunch with family at swimming club.
Headed over to town alone. Bought a book at kino. Chilled at coffee bean for a couple of hours with my cuppa and my smokes....
headed off home. bk into camp late at night.

so, its been a fine weekend afterall. in spite of everything, its been quite a good weekend by my own high standards.


anyway,
jessie's been gone fer a week. fn's returning 22nd.



cheetoh, i cant chat on msn and blog at the same time.
think will stop now.




neway, last year, my call never did get picked up.
and it hurt me in more ways that i imagine.

lol. this year, i can laugh about it.
i must say. its been a job well done.




job well done.



so far......

I'll be there for you.
This 5 words i swear to you.
When you breathe,
i wanna be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.






now why do love songs have to be so heart painfully noble?

but i would prefer to use "mind numbling cheesy" to describe em.

but its bon jovi. so who cares? He got some balls in some really tight pants to hit those high notes.
whee.






today was firdaus bday.
We threw him a party.
a blanket party.
it was pretty fun.
Well, at least, i had fun. does not matter if it wasnt so fun for him.
thats not the point eh?






shenigans.
yes.
what da fuck.

oops.
bang.
dead.

human rights.
left handed.
huh?!

ka pui.
spit.
pisshead.

kiss my ass.
keys my ass good buy.


drink to myself.
water as vodka.
drunk but not high.
rather bloated.
puked.
not because of bloatness.
but i felt sick.
sick to the gut.
sick to the heart.




i'm snooping around friendster.
and its distrubing how people can know so many people.
i've been a friendster member since oct 03.
and i've got eh....52 friends.
and 21 testimonials.
thats not bad right?
oddly enough and very disturbingly, i can remember the day i registered with friendster.
erm.
yea, at my pervious place.
i was on me bed with lappy. just woke up. and shawn was bitching on msn to get me initiated on this friendster thing.
well. then.
i registered.
and my eyes almost popped.
when at the first time i logged in.
someone was already requesting to be my friend.
and it wasnt shawn.
it was someone else.
i took it as a sign.
and unluckily enough,
it wasnt like a road sign.
it fucking was a wrong sign lar fuck.
heh. wrong signal. wrong signal. so sorry.



but i have a confession to make.
i snoop around profiles.
and when i see one of the photographs done by me are put up by people as their primary photo.
ego-boost.
no shit serious no shit shit.
it feels good babeh!
heh.

alright. got to go.
going back camp to crash.
bad day at work today.
my fucking court martial got adjourned.
fucking prosecutors.
more work fer me.

as jo put it.

i'm not crying. my eyeballs are sweating.






and yes. jessie left. and we are a wreck.

well at least jia pei was.

it all hit us in our own ways.
big or small.
small or big.


we made a scarpe book for her.

with all our photos. about 50 of them.

and she gave us photos of us in little frames.
handpainted. hand decorated with a hand written note.












and yes.

i'm very sad that my guygal is gone =[

and for such a long time at that.

and another friend sent me a msg today.
"im leavin tonight."



wow. wonderful weekend i must say.




nabeh cao chee bye.

hang em high.


and i dont want to make things difficult for you.



I claimed that i didnt give a shit about what my friends say.

but jessie's imminent departure forced a new point of view on me.
I do.
I do give a big fuck about what my friends say.


No matter what they say, no matter how difficult to swallow.
I know, they have my best interest at heart.

whether its a misunderstanding or whatsoever that they had.

its not important anymore.

it wasnt important before anyway.

Looking at the whole mess from a bystander's point of view.
its very darn obvious.

They were there for me.
whether i needed it or not.
whether i was right or wrong.
whether if its fucken 3am in the morning.
and basically, very unfeelingly or not, they were just there.
like pillars.

and i wont pretend that i'm appreciative cos i really am.


and of cos. i didnt need you to be there.
and needless to say, i felt that you were never there.
just like how the goo goo dolls song went
"i thought i lost you somewhere, but you were really never ever there at all."

and now you are probably thinking "fuck you. vice versa."

and maybe you are not.
I hope not.

but in all fairness, i probably didnt know you enough.

cos if i did, i wouldnt have gone thru all that.

i didnt get anything out of it at all.
of cos one shouldnt expect anything in matters of the heart. cos its not morally right?

but on the other hand, one should expect everything there is to expect.
wrong?
but arnt you hard pressed to find a reason why its wrong?

if there isnt any expectation, i suppose there is no trust.

but sometimes its not the case.

there could be expectations. but no trust.

its like. i expect you to do something, but i dont trust you would do it.

and i should know.

and lets not even go to distrust. lets not go there.

"not revealing something does not equate telling a fucken lie"

and that is just fucken bollocks.



but as the story went along... what i felt was that,

its just a phrase of constant denial and setting even higher bars.

and it just escalates till the lies that you tell dont even seem like fucking lies but excuses to save oneself.
and that is supremely sad.

and so poor on the heart.
that a certain story's protaganist "oliver", pales in comparison
and thats a sick twist isnt it?


I would really like to look bad on everything and say that i came out a better person.

but its not easy.
it blew up alot of sandcastles that i had and i suppose i'll never look at some things the same way again. or at least for a long time.

nope. its hard.
even adding water does not soften it. its difficult.
The negatives just outweigh the positives so much.
david and goliath.
and in my story, david dies.
maybe its because i'm not christian. thats why.
and maybe thats why i have no faith too.
no more faith... ...


for one bought up the way i was.
i cant accept it. losing even when giving all.
if possible. i'd rather not play.
the way i see it...everyone plays to win.
no 2 ways about it.
and if you are a casualty on the way, so be it.
bad luck.
and most glaringly enough, maybe you just werent good enuff.
you didnt fucking cut it.

and you can hardly blame anyone for not cutting it.

i've accepted it way long time ago.
i didnt cut it.
not even close.

but i why did i keep to it?
because of my innate stubborness.
because i was anal retentive. still am.
because i wasnt smart enough.
because i'm me.
because of a myriad of reasons.

but maybe it didnt occur to her.
that its because she meant something to me.





but i'm fine nowadays.
i'm happier than before.
I got my friends around me.
well, fine, ok. jessie till saturday.

but my point is, after all this bullshit.
when you wanna cry. the first ones you cry too, will be the first ones who are there for you.

and they are the special people in your life.

and they are the same people that watch a movie with you, drink a cup of coffee with you, drag a stick with you and the ones who pick you up, dust you off and send you on your way.



and till i puke again.
adios.

Joy in a leather ball.

its a very simple kind of joy.

when there is the solid contact with that satisfying thud.

and you feel as tho you and the ball are one.

one entity.

and all you want to do at the point of time. is to send it where you want it to go.

correction.

and all you are at best trying to do at that point of time is to send it where you want it to go.

Into goal or to your team mates feet.

And in that instant. Nothing really matters. girls, money, whatever.
It ceases to matter.

Nothing else matters.

Once that ball hits the net. Or becomes that all important pass that leads to a goal.
You feel gratification. Instantly. Elation even.

But even when it does not become what you want it to.
When there is a semblence of your intention in your actions.
When there is a semblence of your intention in the ball's direction.
When the ball goes really close to its intended target only not to hit it.
Not all is down trodden and depressing.

An encouraging smile, abit of applause, a thumbs up.
Can provide, a emotion close to a feeling that you wanted to achieve in the first place.

Its a simple kind of joy.

It really is.

Alls in vain. Alls in fucking vain. an entry about herr.

and so. CSM wanted to conduct a hair check.
yea. sure. just go for a hair cut. No big deal.



but. its cny. hair cuts are expensive.
*looks into wallet.


so i went "fuck it. oi! fidaus, you can cut my hair."

and yea. he cut my hair.
i let him cut my hair.
with assistance from juju / jubobie/ jumumbie.



anyway.
it didnt turn out too bad.
no rough patches that cant be disguised with liberal amounts of gel and hair spray.


the point is.
looking what has army turned me into.






a fuck care everything.


LOL.



but then.





ITS JUST HAIR FOR CHRIST SAKE!



and as tyra banks once said
"it'll all grow back."



till i moose again, when you reindeer again.
over and out.

take my photo off the wall if it just wont sing for you.

caught football hooligans today. enjoyed it immensly.

my kinda show =]

tomorro i will pay respect to me granddad.

i promise i will try to restrain the pent up anger in me.

wee-sh me luck.

orchad road isnt so inviting anymore.

its too damn crowded for one thing.

and too much lil kids out there for another.

and i might just bump into people i know like i did today.

which i didnt really like. or welcomed bumping into.

but it still stocks the essentials and the not so essentials.

which means i still hafta go there.

feeling kinda drowsy. think i'll stop here. continue soon.

see you guys.

altho it feels alittle weird. saying this.

i must admit that i feel alittle more than excited about the imminent home coming......

nuff said.

i'm booking back into camp.



let me leave you with a typical work day conversation that i have with a camp mate of mine.



*sitting at the computer working. extending people's ord due to misdemenours that they have committed. busy like mad. if thats even possible.

*jasper walks in. the most irritating fuck all irritant in the fucking saf's history.

*he spots me mini baby on me.

jasper " heh yi chiang, thats the o2 mini right? can i have a look?*

* me gives evil stare.


"no!fuck off!"


jasper walks away sulkily while the rest of us hi 5s and laugh away.




now. dont ask me why he cant prononce my name.
i dont know why. maybe its because of his small dick.
i know. cos wira saw, wira he told me.


"sial lar! jasper bodeh small ceoooooo!"

Upsize?

Upsize = more drink?

bleurgh.

what upsize really means.

Upsize = Bigger paper cup. More Ice. alittle more drink and then more ice to top up.


You know how i know? cause the stupid kentuckee fried cheeken girl did it right in front of me. Pouring "medium" into "large" and topping up with ice.



i'm never gonna upsize at Kenneth Fuck Colleen kentucky fried chicken anymore. In the R-me, there is a need to get every 50cents worth.



I'm a cheap fuck.



i didnt mean literally.


fucker.






anyway,
i'm being driven into the ground over work.
its quite bad.
hope i get my bitch at work soon.
So I can order him around.
to get my coffee. get my breakfast.
and maybe do some filing.




*at the moment, yi qian cant continue blogging as he is rolling on the floor half dead after watching a episode of american idol.


his mum goes "this is mad."


his mum, of cos, is referring to the show.

flashing back......


and so i was just reading some of my past entries.
Marvelling at how i've changed..
for better or worst, its debatable alright.

Entries for last year, i paid more attention.

and it dawned on me.

2005. meant and made alot of who i am this time around.
i certainly grew up alot more in 2005 than in any other years.
its like a coming of age thing.

I'm talking about specific events.
Things that left a deep impression.
things that will not leave me for a very very very long time.



there i was....fresh out of a 3 month stint on shenton way.
feeling..... i cant really recall. senselessly dead?
Depressed. Really down. For certain reasons that i myself cant put a finger too.
It was a combination of things. it certainly was.

Then there was prom-creation..
A gamut of feelings.
The D-Cup cleavage lows and the incredible highs that make me throw up more than once.
The bonds i've made with the prom comittee.
The stress i felt. The happiness i experienced.
The disgust i finally knew about the human race.

Prom night itself.
incredible. I drank, smoked myself silly.
The photos i took.
The talk we had.
The heartbreak i went thru.

Its rare, how one can experience a intoxicating high induced by alcohol and nicotine, as well as the crushing low that a beautiful female can bring.




Then. There was that time..
It was during a school holiday, i went back to school to do some work.
Somehow, it happened. I dont know how. I didnt plan for it. She was wearing specs. oaklets
at Jupiters cafe. followed by the beach.
followed by more heartache.
and nicotine withdrawal symptoms.
followed by ice cream with a cherished accomplice at the ice cream bar at gardens.
All in a day. As i said, its rare. To be crushed so badly and being picked up so gratefully in a single day. It was really what i needed. badly.



Then for awhile, it stagnated.
Then, there was the big R-me.
getting to know buddies for life.
Especially getting to know kris.
Fucking hell, the dude saved and helped me countless times.
I just hope i am the buddy to him that he is the buddy to me.
Make my life at BMTC all the much easier.

Them shaving my mop of hair.
waking up the next morning in camp.
feeling more fucked than ever.
incredible.

Fieldcamp.
Duty sentry.
The sky was so painfully beautiful.
So beautiful that it hurt. I'm serious.
I was there, with kris.
just marvelling and eating combat rations.
In the dead of the night. Talking. Listening for wildboars.
Freezing like crazy. So experiences, just cant be relived again.
I'm quite sure this is one of them.


There was live range.
Operating a gun for the first time.
Experince that i am grateful for.
There is always the satisfaction of hitting the target.
and the extreme sleepyness that you feel while waiting for your turn.


Then there was the ligament snapping accident.
in my mind i went "noooooooooo!"
But some things are meant to happen.
No 2 ways about it. It happened and boy did it hurt.
It felt so bad. so so bad. Looking at others train while staring at the swollen ankle.


Passing Out Parade.
This, i will never forget. Way way better than grad ceremony.
Throwing my jockey cap into the air. I really felt a sense of acheivement.
15 weeks. i lasted 15 weeks and became a much better person than i ever expected myself to be.
I felt a sense of real brotherhood and camaraderie with certain people.
Walking out of BMTC dragging my duffel bag with kris, it really felt....
so damn fucking satisfying.


Then couple of days after passing out parade.
It was, i should say. An exceptional evening.
exceptional.
dinner. playing the psp at the ugly lion who spits.
I look back at the evening with nothing but fond memories.
everything went perfect.
well almost.
but it was much more than i expected.
Everything went right. I enjoyed myself immensly.
It was really good. after so long.
even the photos came out great.
I dont care if you or my friends think its a mistake.
i'd gladly relive it 1 more time.
yes i would. no 2nd or 3rd thoughts of it.


Then there was the worst month in my whole life.
spent at 3SIR.
Where i went thru shit.
Where i was the most unhappy.
I cannot discribe how happy i was to get out of there.
It was such a relief.



I can only hope.
that 2006 will be alike 2005.
Lots of experiences, ups and downs.
cause seriously, me thinks, that it is the only way one can grow up.

Think that will be all.
Have a very cheery morning and a great sunday.

I guess. If its 2 things that i would love more than you.

it would be GADGETS and FOOTBALL.



and i dare say, most men, deep down. feel the exact, same way.



a new addition to the family.

mini.

O2 XDA mini.

everybody say hi to my new angel mini.



muahahhaha.



at last. i have consumately overtaken muiss in basically owning more gadgets!

i am in geekdom nirvana!
rocks.

i am the ultimate techno geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.


But along with techno geek fame, comes techno geek phobia.
of getting mugged on the streets.

from now on, yi qian is not staying out late.

anymore.

you bet.

your last dollar.


i...erm...wont.
heh.

"eh qian. you got the fam law photos? "

so fn asked me just now.
yea. i do have em photos.
and it did bring back some memories. and some thought of it.


Its one thing to be buddies.
its another to be co-workers.
and i must say i learned a great deal from working with fn and ling during the fam law and ob projects sometime last year. or was it the previous year? i cant really remember.


but anyway, at that time of long, dyed and gelled hair.
I must say. things looked great at the onset.
Buddies as group members. How bad can it get?

Yea, it was fab at first.
joking and stuff.
a consensus to cut short meetings to go idling was always easy to come too.
and the other team members were always quick to succumb to our lameness and insistence that we would rather be out in the sun talking cock.



But when the shit hits the fan.
plainly saying, project deadline alert.
things didnt go as smoothly as i planned them to be.


firstly. As crazy buddies as we were, our work ethics were pretty different.
I shall not go into details as it aint important.
But basically, we didnt share the same views on how things should be done.
which kinda sucked. decisions could not be reached. we sometimes were in limbo for a long time.



secondly. concentrations( 3 of us.) were lacking.
My gut feeling were that due to some unforeseen circumstances, the 3 stooges which was us didnt seem to be able to concentrate fully on the projects. i cant exactly put a finger on what it was, but it did seem that way at that point of time.
Speaking for myself, yes, my concentration was soley lacking. but for what reason i shall not divulge. Some things are too personal to talk about on the world wide web.
for ling, i guess it was just xiao qi. or whatsername. i cant remember. just that china girl who was onboard the OB team.
haha!



thirdly. buddies dont fight buddies.
being buddies, buddies dont wanna rub each other the wrong way.
meaning to say that conflicts were always minimized.
that meant compromise....
which wasnt very good for the project on the whole.
there are many other points which i can touch on but i rather wont for the lack of energy or words.


the peer appraisal was brutual. but then...... it all came out in the washed. things turned out alright. or more than alright.

but in the end, it was fun working with fn and ling. and we didnt do too badly at all. cept for OB, which i did quite badly for. which the tutor hated me. but i wouldnt touch on that. she and i had very different opinions.
bad tutor, worst student.

but i must say,

i've worked with the best of them. serene and melissa leong and the liked.
and i've also worked with the worst of em, rina and mandy to name 2 stooges.

but given a choice, fn and ling would be first choice.



it was satisfying and also fustrating working working with them. but i wouldnt trade anything else for the experience.
and so it was.
unlikely but we did get thru it.

so for poeple who say that friends cant work together.
mega balls to you =]

alright.
i'm hitting the sack now. quite tired already.

foreboding.

i suspect.
that something bad has happened.

it is not my fault.
i've done my part.

i hope my suspicions will come to nought.

bye bye.

going to auntie hse for some barbeque.
its raining. dont ask me how to barbeque.
its beyond me.

tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soulmate, the damage is done, the party goes on....


kinda fruitful day.
picked up a book and a cd.

finally decided to pick up James Blunt's cd.

---flash-fucking-back--- sep 17.

question :-
"Why is james blunt so popular? He sings funny. "


reply :-
" I dont really like the way he sings. But his lyrics make me *** "


maybe i didnt tell you there and then.
i dont really fancy his voice. but i do think he is a brilliant song writer.
but what difference would it make.
nevermind.





but anyway,

the hunt for the perfect hifi still goes on.
an amp and a pair of bookshelve speakers would be real sweet.
looking for a recliner to just knock back and listen to music.
i can almost see it. feel it.
argh. patient i must be. for nothing but perfection is what i sought.

sitting at starbucks this evening alone.
(of cos, who else would i be with!?)
with my cuppa, book, psp and cigarettes.
people watching.
suddenly, things doesnt seem so bad after all.
for a fraction of the second, even my sellow singaporeans seemed save-able.
not even my rash from outfield can irritate me.
not even the luncheon meat at the other table laughing too loud can piss me off.

funny.
must be the combined effects of caffine, nicotine, music and my brain working that created THAT effect that i never felt before.

whats my point?
i've always fancied myself as one who is hard to please.
I mean, i may be satisfied. but i'm seldom "busting-with-happiness" pleased.
if that meant anything at all. -_-'?
being a gemini and all (fuck horoscopes), it is analysed by many who is someone who is easily bored and always looking for new things in life to look into.
(plainly interpreted : fucking concentration deficiency plus almost never completes anything he sets out to do.)



okok. the abovementioned is not true. its just what horoscope junkies want me to believe.



but sitting at a cafe reading a fucking book has always been a pleasure to me.
and thats not really called hard to please.
i mean, i dont call that being hard to please.
and i was seriously happy and contented to be there just now.

most parents would glady have kids who they can just dump at a cafe, pay for their latte, drop them a book and advise against smoking before running away to their other activites.
thats why,
i must say. i make the perfect kid.
=]

but anyway.

the year is ending. yes it is.
am i gonna do a review of my year?
fucking hell no.
if you haven read about my year thru the course of the year on this blog, you fucking dont deserve me writing an entry depicting my damn year. i mean, how the fiack am i suppose to remember what i ate like 3 months, 2 days and 6 hours ago for lunch?!

so there.

and fn. regarding you bitching about me not having archives.
i hereby set up a poll.

if more that 5 people who reads this blog says i need an archive, i will put my archive up.
so all you wankers out there. if you want the archive up, drop a tag.
if not, you've come to the end of the post.
now fuck off.

its xmas eve.

last xmas eve.

i cant really remember.

i dont think you remember either.

just before xmas.

what you wanted.

ixus. something. i cant really remember.

i was at happy daze pub.

dazed. happy. something something?

this xmas. i cant really be bothered.

james blunt - Goodbye my lover.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

rare as it is. here you have it. a love song thats about a break up.

its really fucking sad. this song. it truly is.

aight, i got to go for abit.

my yearly xmas party is about to start in abit.

food, wine, presents. the works.

blog again soon.

i know, this post sucks. its mainly the lyrics of a song.

but heh. its xmas. cut me some fucking slack.

and our song goes... ...

WA NANG SI 2 SIR PA BUEY TIO AH!



With my limited hokkien knowledge, what it translates too is, " We are from 2 SIR cant be beat!"

or somesort. I dont know.





Yi Qian @ Exercise BUCKSPEED.

Will be setting off outfield tmr.
hope it'll be fun.
maybe come back with some pictures. depending on how things go.

tmr till friday. damn long.
but this time, we've wisen up.

combat rations? outta window.
i went shopping just now.
1x tinned sausages.
1x tinned luncheon meat.
1x tinned mayo tuna.
1x loaf bread.
1x PacketM&Ms chocolate.
1x Tube Candy.
2x pack ciggies e-fucking-censial.
1x loaf bread.

now i just need to remember the can opener.
if not, eat grass.
literally.





i know its christmas.
but 600 bucks on a watch?
its just something i refuse myself.
i hope my resolve holds out.
well. i guess you guys will know in about a week or two.

but but.....its just.......ohhh the agony of not having it!

Someone slap some sense into me.



alright. i've got to go.
need to go back camp to rest early.
see you guys at the weekend.

ciao ciao!

tender is the touch that someone you love too much.

and kenny shaved his head. kudos.

a part of me thinks its fucking stupid. another part of me is just impressed with his balls. (or lack of brains.)

look, i shaved my head before. but because of the R-Me and certainly not because of a girl.
and surely not because of a girl who is really a boy.
*jessie dont hit me please. Hit the taxi driver.*

How can someone shave his head because he is depressed over a girl? what does shaving all that blond hair off achieve?

lessen the pain? forget the past? make the impossible happen?
I cannot fathom it for even with my highly evolved brain.

Look, i'm a man of the world...but this...i cannot understand.

the only things that i can come up with via shaving hair......off hand. is as follows
1)you look fucken stupid.
2)you will get brain freeze easily.
3)you have monk like aspirations but you still wanna wank.
4)you look fucken stupid.

eh huh.

but daym. he got some balls shaving off his head in a fit of depression.
not very smart. but not lacking in balls. afterall, he will have to endure taunts of "eh army boy! ORD LOR"
when in fact he doesnt have too. cause he ord-ed already anyway.

this kinda things defeat me.
i dont understand.
and i dont think i can ever understand.

The beauty killed the beast.

Not to say that the boy is the beast and the girl is the beauty cause it apparantly isnt so.
but still. it makes me think.

what killed kingkong was a pretty broadway actress.
and that is pretty impressive.
cos after all he is a 25ft gorilla who butchers t-rex-es for fun.
so yea. point.

women will always be the weak point of men.
even tho we can be perfectly fine without them.
some how....
We never will be.


In my 3-letter word story.
yea, i sulked and have my emo bouts. but...
It has never occured to me to do something as drastic as shaving my fucking head or eating poison like candy. nor drinking detergent while pretending its minute maid lemonade.

and its not for that it didnt hurt enough...
just that...its just dead dumb to me.

Yes, i do go for retail theraphy at the expense of a half dead atm card. but its really considered mild as compared to something like shaving my fucking head.
Some of you might point out that shaving my head will be cheaper than retail theraphy.
but then i'll call you cheapo.
and thats not very nice is it?

and i'll call you dumb as well.
cause you are paying to leave your hair there. Which was expensively dyed, rebonded, permed, ah-beng gelled, whatever.
and me on the other hand, get to bring something home =]


and if i'm broke, there isnt nothing that i cant burn to lift my spirits again.
(even rocks burn, if you heat it up enough.)
so yea. burning is good. i highly recommend it. butane. burns fast, long and has a blue tinged flame. it rocks.
but do it safely.

people drink, people binge, people shave, people leap, people cry, people scream, people slash, people sleep, people beat, people fuck other people, people blog, people die, people puke, people shit, people call.

i shop and burn. literally, not burn shopping. u get it?

there isnt much than shopping and burning that i will recommend in a bout of depression. for good reasons which i will not share with you. but if you are a environment friend fiend, piss of. pollutants rock my world. literally.


Yes, i handle my depression in ways that differ from others. i might sulk for awhile, but i hardly cry.
i might die for abit, but there is nothing a cigarette cant do.
i might feel like shit, but beating AC Milan on my xbox/psp never fails to lift me.


and yea.... but the point is. kenny shaved his head. and i still cannot understand why.

i need someone to explain it to me.
or until.
my heart gets broken till i go to that extend. to know for myself what it is like. which i hope wont happen.


and so there.
i got to go.
surfing the net in orchad road cost 6 bucks an hour.
heh. fucken expensive.. woots.
ciao ciao.

been awhile since i last blogged eh.

abit of a sojourn from the scene. my scene, if i might say so myself.

nothing much happened these 2 weeks. just went outfield...shot up some enemy..blah blah blah. sent people to the gallows and stuff. boring. nothing i haven tried before.



Xmas is coming. I've been doing xmas shopping. For myself of cos. i'ma selfish bugger. and i'm loving it. hahahha.
I dont even bat an eyelid nowadays. Its getting more and more scary.
just -> card -> push -> bag it -> thankew very much -> outta the shop =]

i dont see the need to look thru a million pieces of clothing to pick up one piece.

what i believe is going thru a million pieces of different stuff to see which ones i can bring back home.

its not about qunatity nor quality, its about quantity & quality.

Dying wallet non withstanding.

yes yes. it rocks.

i've been buying games as well. =]

ya. games.

so all in all, you could say that i've been pretty happy and contented.

i know i am.

happy and contented.

now fer the hard part... ... which i shall keep to myself for the time being.

blog again soon.

see you buggers soon.

ciao.

alittle more conversation alittle less action yea.


HMS(hetreosexual's masturbator's service.) FEE FEE.

Constructed by:
1 X Saturday morning. 4 am.
1 X Milo Can
1 X Nescafe Can
1 X Keys ( for cutting.)
2 X 7-11 Plastic bags
3 X SAF standard issue solid Fuel
Infinite X Tender Loving Care
2 X Genius/ very bored people

Instructions:
1) finnish the drinks.
2) cut up 7-11 plastic bags and twirl them to improvise string.
3) time the 2 cans together ala pontoon of a boat.
4) secure solid fuel.
5) Light up solid fuel. (higly dangerous. do not try this at home.)
6) Set sail. (shed a tear for your creation.)
7) See it sink. ( shed another tear for the demise of your creation.)




In the dry dock. (well actually its at esplande park in the early morning.)
Notice the creative construction made from useless materials. Read : we are noveau poor.
Our baby before setting sail.


Like parents, we set our baby out into the sea of storms and rubbish in the ocean.
The flame, like a beacon, is very pwetti.





fn and me was really bored after getting hi on sheesha. so yea, on a sunday morning with nothing to do, we set out to built a seaworthy craft to carry the harzadous load of 3 pieces of soild fuel into the open sea of esplandae park.
It sailed for a whole ten mins before the fire from the solid fuel burnt thru the buntings sinking the whole damn thing. But we are proud to say it went down in a blaze of glory. literally.






I went shopping. again.

fucking bad boy boots.
i'll stomp on your gonads. i dont really care if its illegal.







Whats in my lil behemoth? (my crumpler fux delux + john thursday 80 + Bundle large.)

People has been asking me what do i have in my rice sack of a bag.
so here is what i take out when i go out. my cannot do withouts.
so yea. its fucking big because i need my essentials with me no matter where i go.

From top. Books. Chuck Phalanuik's Fight Club and the 3rd installment of the narnia chronicals.

middle row: Moto V3. new baby. ok, no need to see whats behind the cellphone, its me cigs. Followed by moi's PSP. uh-huh, playing socom currently. right side lays Podie. all 20gigs of it. yea.

bottow row: me 8 year old watch. lotsa sentimental value. lighter. keys, headbanging headphones.

back ground: moi stussy sweater.


stuff not shown: cam, cause i'm using it what. PSP games, forgot to take out the games, so fug it. notepad and pens.(boring mah) contact lense kit (unglam.)


orait. got to hit the bed. got to get up real early. my work week starts tmr. haha. been on leave for monday and tuesday. happy very happy.

its chilly isnt it?

and avril croons... ...

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with youI'm with you.

The weather has been decidedly gloomy this few days.
No unlike my mood. or temperamant.

Taking the mini bus to the detention barracks with the detainee wearing rolex (handcuffed) at the back, my mind is nothing but a blank.
spying the rain drops sliding down the window beside me.
They seemed to be conveying a message. Time is just slipping by.
the endless chatter of the wipers on the windscreen.
The constant drone of the vehicle.
its all very depressing.

the journey takes on a stately pace of 50km/h.
as fast as my breathing. which is slow.
considering the grandma in the lil car behind us.
who after 20 secs of tailgating, decides to overtake the tatoo ridden ah beng who is driving the millitary vehicle which I am in.
all in all, it takes an hour to get there. the journey back is even worst.
the anticipation of a hot drink and the feeling of no longer giving a shit about being a vehicle commander being the rewards of reaching camp after the long ride.
its all very fustrating.

its all very depressing and fustrating.



The cold weather aided concentration.
I was sitting in bunk. Alone.
On the sunday night. The weather was cold. Not unlike tonight.
Clutching a book. Chuck Palanuik's Choke. Jessie's.
How strangely appropriate. choking from the smoke non withstanding.
i felt seriously choked. like my heart just fucking breaking.

My cellphone was beside me.
My ciggarettes were dwindling at a pace way faster than I would be comfortable with.
but to hell with it.
Reading in the semi darkness. half frozen.
"fucking hell." i mutter to myself around half a dozen times.
I feel like shit. I'm determined to fall alseep reading the book.
I was insistent on it. But no, the eyelids didnt feel any heavier then they were a few mins ago. My mind wander......

but it does not seem to happen. I'm not floating of to la-fucking-la land like i should.
maybe chain smoking had something to do with it.
But i just couldnt help it. The ambers in the ash looked too mesmerizing.

It was there all along. For the taking. It wasnt hard to foresee. I've dug myself a grave that jessie had longed warned me about.
and i must have used an damn good shovel and Entrenching Tool. Cause its so deep, i'm clawing at the edges. and to add to my misery, its fucking raining.
I'm slightly claustrophobic to begin with. The water level is rising. Maybe I'm drowning. So what if i'm a CAT A swimmer. There is no space. I can hardly breathe... ... Maybe that was what i meant when i said i'm breathless. perhaps. maybe. possibly.


I give up. There is no use trying to sleep. when my mind is so crammed with thoughts that its causing me to feel sufforcated.
The rain was beating on the windows non stop. My bunk was getting wet whether i liked it or not.

Dug out my note pad. fumbled around...... got my black felt tip pen out.
and i decided, or rather tried, to write the note that i should have done a long time ago.
It was cold. like really cold. I was shaking, could hardly write straight.
It all came out gibberish. I couldnt really write down what i wanted to write. fuck my education, cant find the words to say about the things caught in my mind.
But it all came out...... words. pictures. thoughts. songs. memories.
I just spit em all out. and stomped on them.
shaking as i was, pen in one hand, cigarette in another, i just scribbled down what came to mind. it was sweet and vulgar at the same time. yes, I would describe it like that.

I finnished it(or so i thought...) exhausted. i dumped the note on the chair beside my bed. The rain had not relented at all. I felt dead. dead tired. dead sad. dead maniacal.
I fell asleep.
The note, was wrinkled, looked older than it was. It was wet. from the rain.

What was the note about.... ....

as a popular singer penned in a song.
its more than words, its just tears and rain.

jessie, your msgs and the last one at 3am. woke me up. in more ways than one. thank you. and as cliche as this might sound, and I dont say this enough, but you mean much to me. very much so :]

anything that doesnt kill you just makes you stronger.

i aint dead yet. and i fucking intend to stay that way.

for a long time to come.

i'll be alright.

i insists on it.

to borrow a phrase.

Suffer in Silence. Please endure. Carry on.

the weekend was wicked.
wickedly good.
yea. it was.


it was lu's 21st yesterday. well, actually on friday, but we celebrated it yesterday..
dinner at bakerzin at fullerton.
followed by drinks at pierside.
saw chris, shireen and tommy there. the rest of the staff has already gone their own ways.
seeing the staff scramble here and there. it seemed so long ago that i was one of em.
the moet and chandon ash trays...bring back bad memories.
ha.
and of cos. when you are at piersied, u think of prom.
and yea. it was good but not fantastic.
fer some other reason or another.

after drinks, we decided, after long deliberation to...go for...


sheesha at al majlis.
smoke machine x 2.
mint. grape.
lu, mu, jo, jess and me.

thats how we spent lu's birthday.
the gang got him a sony MP3 player.
sleek.



then.
it was fn's bday today. 20th.
got him a dvd. Dream Theater live at the budokan.
went to al majlis fer lunch.
late late lunch.
ordered more than was healthy for us.
fn, lu and me ate like kings.
and kings. usually die young.
- shrugs -



i'm not very inspired to blog now.
abit tired.
and i have to book in at 11.
i guess i'll stop.
later then.
ciao.

.......e werkz


The old lady's birthday.





Fee-she-ing trips




SHE. Stupid. Hedious. Extreme




Qian's birthday dinner.



madhatten fish market.



the 3 in tekong.



in happier times... ...

u-niq-lee thru my lenses.

2 men and a dog. Ubin.




eastcoastpark..... daybreak




saes eat awe.

Changi-sailing-club. dusk.

I call it Sun-Set-Bay.

please comment on the pictures. esp from the bottom section. (aligned left ones.)

what you saw that you like, what you saw that made you puke so on and so forth etc etc....

and please state the ones that you guys particulary like.

i have somemore pictures.

but some i will not post.

not because they are ugly or anything.

the reason is that i wanna keep em to myself. sell-fee-ish.

maybe one day, when i'm in a good mood. i'll post somemore pictures.

but fer now, i'm going to bed. i'm exhausted.

i promise to post some photos soon.

promise.

promises myself.

doooh.

doh.

doooooooooooooooooooooh




















maybe, alil bit of me has already left you.

... and james blunt sung.


its hard to believe that you remember me.
will you be my shoulder, when i'm grey and older?
promise me that tomorro will start with you.




and i've been hitting the packs pretty hard this couple of weeks.
its something i got to sort out soon.
dont ask me why... i have no clue.




min min left for shanghai on the 3rd of november.
to work.
sometime last week.

jessie is leaving in late january for australia.
to study at monash.


it just dawned on me that one way or another, i'll be missing my friends.
where will we be 20 years down the road?


i look at my mum and dad and all they have is family.
i dont see they talk about their friends.
even much less go meet their friends.
sometimes i wonder if they have any at all... ...


is it even important to factor in friends when planning your own life?
seeing that most adults interact only exclusively with their family and collegues.
i dont know. but most of the adults i know certainly act this way.
family is of cos of utmost importance and so is currying favour at work.
but what about friendship?


I shudder when i imagine how things will be.
so i've comed to a conclusion.
unless i find someone who i can love till the end of time.
( cos i'm one who is convinced that lover and friends shouldnt mix. except in exceptional cases. like muizz/linn , spencer/jia pei)
i'll keep my friends as close as possible.
unless of cos, they have family which renders all the above void and useless.


keep your friends close but enemies closer?
thats just bullshit.


cos at the end of the day, all you want is for someone to be there for you.
to laugh at the bad jokes, to eat , to cry and to drink till silly.
thats about all.


i'm gonna book in now.
lets keep the tag board healthy yea? its been stagnant fer awhile.

my blogger window has been like open fer the last hour.

but i just cant seem to put down what i really wanna feel or say.

its a melting pot. and its all very messy. definetly not very pretty.

as MCR aptly put it.


I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay

i'm off to bed.



p.s caught the exorcism of emily rose. it was worth the 66 that the group paid fer.
good stuff.
me, hanz, fn, lu, mx, jp and spence.
but it all went abit haywire in the end.
with an sms that went "my night wont be complete till i say fuck you deep deep."
dont ask......

Pte Low Yi Qian.
Posted to HeadQuaters Manpower S1 Branch.
2nd Singapore Infantry Regimental and Discplinary Charge Clerk.

anyone who AWOLs, take drugs or commit crimes will have hell to pay.

and I will be the one who will dish out the hell.

Court Martial hearing this thursday.

awe-fucking-some.

Posted on Clubsnap's Buy and Sell Bulletines. Spotted at 2:08 the morning of 8th november 05.


Poor, sodden, depressive (choose your noun) nsf looking to step into the the world of lomography.

in hopes that the vivid colours can brigthen up his dull grey life.

in view of the pittance allowance that is bestowed among him by the great father, the son and the holy goh.

he shall only be able to spend the princely sum of $30 in hope of some colours on medium format film.

so please be a good person. any lomos that are no longer loved by their owners can be entrusted in this young man's care.

Be assured that your unloved will be taken care off with tender loving care till this young man finds another obsession and chucks it off into obsecurity.

But then, of cos you cant expect him to love it forever can you?!

do contact him with the model of the camera if you are agreeable with his price.
he'd thank you all in advance and bid you good day.

sigh. all these effort for just some colour!

*but dont try to smoke him. he may be dull, but he is not stupid. its all mostly now made in china. please donate it to him at a made in china price. now there, you dont really want an army boy's money right!?

You can put the lime in my coke, you nut.

at last some good news.

the physio said i could start running.

5km? nah.
starting with 2km. on a running track or a treadmill. strictly.

jog. slow jog.
but at least its something.
i've never thought i'd find something as mundane as running moderately entertaining. but it is. i'll explain some other day.


this coming tuesday. i'm being transferred to a camp nearer to my home.
some camp near yio chu kang road.
2nd Singapore Infantry Regiment.
as a clerk. pencil pushing, pussy desk job.
fug.

Met up with kumar, justin and vincent over the weekend.
people who made BMT bearable.
we talked over drinks and cigarettes and macdonalds till the wee hours of saturday morning.
it was alright.
kumar became a driver.
vincent became a support company demo man and justin got posted to the bloody NDU as a diver! he now runs 20km everymorning.
its hell he says.

it was good to see those guys again. yea. it was. buddy couldnt make it cause he was still in camp.






payday is coming.
i'm getting a lomograph. good old russian stuff.
after looking fer so long. i've finally found it.
going shooting. yeap.
after quite some time. i'm going shooting.
with the new lomo.

alot of things are bogging my mind right now.
hoping to put them aside fer the time being.



jessie said. " i hate to say it. but its quite a nice picture."

of cos it is. its not quite nice, its a great picture.
the picture and the circumstances of which it was taken.
but thats all there is to it. a picture.
nothing else... ...
and when i think of it being nothing.
i cant help but feel.... sad?
just why cant it be more... i always ask myself.
but i guess i'm not about to stop trying.
- but dont ask me why. -

there are alot of differences to be absolved.
but they will be. one way or another. bad or good, better or for worst.

anyway, i've got to go now. booking in , in awhile.



doodling on the train. -

it always felt as tho i didnt know her enough. but it always seemed that i could almost tell what she was going to do, say or write.
How she was going to react. good or bad, mostly, i'd see it coming. sometimes shit will happen and we both feel extremely fucked up. but its weirdly assuring, that at least i knew her enough to see it coming. but for all its worth, i very apparantly still dont know her enough. but i guess...i've all the time in this fucking world.

i saw you saw me.
you saw me saw you.


it felt like being chainsawed.

He walked stiffly out of the glass door on the second storey onto the bacony with the escalator leading to the ground floor.

Fumbled around. took out his packet of cigarettes.

"ah fuck.. ..."

He dropped the cigarette.

picked it up. lights it with alittle difficulty.

His hands were still trembling.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers's Under The bridge was playing on the music player.

But he was too distracted to concentrate. It all sounded like gibberish to him... ...

took a second puff.

"eye contact for just half a second and look whats become of me. fucking useless."

Took a third puff.

"i thought nicotine just needs 7 secs to affect the system. this cigarette is no good. i'm still shaking."

fourth puff.

"relax. relax. relax dude."

fifth puff.

" fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. of all times."

sixth puff.

"should have just mumbled a hi."

seventh puff.

"it was kinda rude of me."

eight puff.

"but she didnt say hi either."

ninth puff.

"dont be a prick. there was a friend there. it wouldnt be nice."

tenth puff.

"wasnt really me fault. i wasnt thinking. or was i?"

eleventh puff.

"fuck it. its no big deal. maybe if i pretend i didnt see her, she would pretend she didnt see me.. yes. that is what i will do. best thing to do anyway."

stubs out cigarette at the dustbin.





spent the day shopping alone.
got a new wallet. fucking retail theraphy has costs me alot of money.
1. new cellphone.
2. Gta Lcs.
3. book.
4. forgetit, too much to list already. want to know, ask jia pei, she go whine about my expenditure again. haha.

but well. its worth the money.

but whats this entry about anway?
nothing much.
just me being a prick.
breathless. yea. fucked up.
i dont lie. it was plain to see today.
ah fuck it.

i'm off to bed. i gotta get up at 630.

there is so much kids here that it is mighty irritating... ...

ed is away at fieldcamp.

shawn is dunno where romancing some sub 18 girl.

jp and spence are away at dinner with some other friends.

jessie is held up at work till late probably.

fn is at prayers. ling is most likely mourning about his botak head.

johan is MIA.

mx is lost is nipple story. dunno where that bugger has gone. hope he has grown taller.

joanne is burnt out from SIP.

HGF is missing. have not heard from him for some time..

buddy is out with a foot infection from ruddy OCS. cant come out.

its times like this when i feel. alone.

for someone who kinda likes being alone.
its quite a werid feeling.

gee.

i dont like the internet place at cineleisure.
its cheap. but its too noisy.
and too stuffed up with kids.

you wanna play games?
get a sexy psp to play on.
not in a cramped lan shop with over excited kids hanging around screaming at the top of their lungs.

i should know.

once upon a time, i was one of em.

It Used To be Like that in 1942.


if i can still remember those times. we all had nicknames which we would always use during games.

i will always be nutter. the one and only nutter who leads the charge.

ed - will always be uber edd. dont ask me, there is nothing remotely uber about ed. unless we are talking about him being over apt in crashing video game planes. and killing the whole lot(us) in the process.

shawn - shawnzie. dont ask me why. dont ask me why. super original. i dont know where he got the "zie" from tho.

fn - cowboy. i dunno. a safe bet would be that he always wanted to be a cowboy when he was a kid. running about the house with 2 toy pistols?

daniel - ta ta young. i have no fucking idea. dont ask.

shaun - silverdust. i cant bear to do the sticky caps thing. wtf is silver dust i dont know. most dust i know are grey. maybe he just hasnt learned the difference between silver and grey. someone get him a colour chart.

muizz - Mr Penguin. most naturally.

linn - Mrs Penguin. must you really ask why?

nick - nick. nick is nick's nick.

mike - raptor. its great that he evolved from his chamander days.

there are a few more dudes like fabs and zul who used to game together. but its such a long time ago that i cant remember their nicks.

there were also times where we changed our nick names to stuff like "ferlin jayatissa
" or "Lim Poh Bee" and get a tremendous kick when stuff like "ferlin jayatissa just wasted lim poh bee with a bazooka."

dont ask me why. we were soilders once and young. and stupid.


Lots of battles was won and lost at lan shops at katong or selegie.
many curses and laugther that used to be are now just a fading memory , echoing.

i do miss gaming with the guys.
but now, most of us are so caught up with real life handling of fire arms that we seldom get the chance to meet up. its kinda sad and i kinda miss it.

given a chance , i would jump at the group of us in an enclosed room fighting on the beaches of normandy. evading german machine gun fire. sniping at the ruddy germans at the top of their bunkers. charging up the hill with a sherman tank with the canon exploding and the machine gun producing that ear drum abusing rat- tat - tat signature.

all in the comforts of an air conditioned room.

1942 was the law guy's game. we were quite darn good at it.
we always played against each other for the heck of it.

daniel would always wanna be the fucking vietcon hiding in the bushes sniping at the american soldiers.

and i will always, always wait for him to show up.

i can still vividly remember. i was like lying in the vegetation next to a bridge.
ed ran across the bride and suddenly was bought down by dan's sniper rifle. arousing ed to go like " wah lao chao chee bye dan! ta ta young!"

i was like. fuck. where is that vietnamese spring roll wannabe??????

scanning the area. i saw him. hiding in the dense vegetation not moving. could see his face. those angular asia eyes. flat nose. whatever fuck shit that made him a vietnam soilder. what gave him away was that stupid straw hat that the vietnamese spring roll always insists off wearing while fighting.

without a moment to lose. placed my cross hair inbetween his eyes. and without even twitching, squeezed the trigger... okok. clicked on the mouse if you prefer. and i was rewarded with.

"fucking hell qian! hw the fuck you know i am there! chee bye! where you?? i cant see you!"





memories like this will last me a damn long time.
those were good memories. no doubt.

and who said gaming was a total waste of time?
it gave us a foundation to built our friendship on.......
its a guy thing i suppose.
somehow killing that make believe enemy make guys more appreciative of each other.
knowing that ed will watch my back while i lead the charge.
no no, knowing that he will get killed quite easily and causing me to die with him is not the point.

THE POINT being that he will always back me up in the cyber world somehow relates to me knowing he will also back me up in the real world.





thus the reason why i still dont trust pussy. haha.
i mean, if a guy dosent even has the guts to enter a fire fight in a video game with his pals, what more could you expect of him in the real world?
nought. nothing. not even a nougat.

thus my conclusion is that video games make friends.
and yes. its final.
fuck off.

some times solitude does not really work out.
boredom sets in.

the tunes on podie dont seem that appealing.

the people dont seem so right.

the weather is not too good.

its so hot its like being toasted.

and so.


i seek refuge.


at an little internet place at far east shopping center.
where there are very little people and they place nice soothing music.
where they dont allow smoking.
trying to get off smoking.
after camp doc said i had minor asthma.
fucker.



but damn this little internet cafe is expensive. 5 bucks for an hour of surfing.
but its worth it. all worth it.

You know its not your week.
when you have to spend a friday night waiting for something or someone.
when you have to spend a saturday night in camp.
when you have to spend a sunday night on guard duty half dead from fever.
and all the while dreaming of what could have been.

you know its not your week.
when you almost break down twice in 2 days infront of your sergeants.
Vulgarity spewing. Almost came to blows.
I dont seem to be me anymore.

when the biggest old fuck in the company wants to see you only to dissapear.
when the specialist that you are seeing wears an ugly bow tie to work.
when the specialist's bill is a whopping $246.

you know its not your week.

i suspected it was not my week. kinda. some how. dont know how.

and then, like... i finally saw the light.

which like a bolt of lighting to my already hazy mind came to me in a split second.

I knew it was not my week.

when i came back on sick leave.
turned the computer on.
read something.
and almost felt myself dying.

My resolve wavering.
my insanity taking over me.
my rationality out of the window.
my irrationality tearing out.
but most of all my heart turning cold.

in times like this. you got to forgive me... ...
sometimes, there is just too much to keep in.
too much too long to keep.
there are times to let emotions run.
but it seems i'm always one step behind.

dear fairy god father..

find me someone to beat up.

but in the mean time...

i'll listen to some music, have a sip of water with a couple of asprins and smoke a ciggarette.

for the mother of god....

my fever is killing me.....

*fucking stupid bastard hits the pubish post button in both his blogs.

nothing of note happened today.

picked up some stuff at town.

feel like shit... shall not elaborate. something that happened in camp.

thats all.

tim burton's oyster boy is very good.
extremely funny.
morbid humour.
check it out at kino.
its going fer 23 bucks. hard cover.

its too swollen.

even if we do an x-ray or an MRI now, we cant really see anything.

-_-'

There are 3 main ligaments in your ankle.

of which 2 may be broken or torn.

Your tighest band around your ankle is particulary badly damaged.

at this stage we cant tell with the whole ankle so swollen.

what you are experiencing now is called a recurrent ankle sprain.

I will send you for physio. The first few sessions will be to ease the pain.

the next sessions thereafter will be to train up your muscle endurance to let you function as normal as possible again.

Your ankle will never recover to the state it once was. There is no 100% recovery rate for your injury.

You will not be able to take part in strenous activity for the next 6 weeks. thereafter, we will ascertain your situation and see if surgery is needed. Even if you opt out of surgery, you will rest your ankle for the next 3 months.

Surgery is a double edge sword. Without it, your ankle will be very loose and will be sprained extremely easily. Some people can easily sprain their ankle 20 times in a life time. You will never be able to take part in games like soccer with your condition. Its very detrimental to the ankle not to mention that you could damage it further.

With surgery, your ankle will be tightened. you will lose some range of motion. thats to say that you will find your ankle a little tight and that it will not be as flexible as it use to be. Its very difficult in surgery to atain a perfect balance between strength and flexibility.

But with this surgery and with proper rest and rehab, you will be able to play games and function normally after some time.

The operation will consist of cutting open your ankle, getting the torn or broken liagents, getting them sticthed up together.

.............................................................

fuck shit.

i'm shit scared.

sounds awfully painful.

whiles its already painful.

i hope the doctor was not scaring me.

i cant take this kind of stress.

first a fracture, now this kinda thing.

its driving me mad.

but still. i'll walk as far as i can just to see you.

its that time of the week again....


1 hour to book in. very sad. depressed.

oh no = [

i'm going outfield again this week. out of 5 days, 4 days in jungle.

argh. i dont mind it. but not so freaking often lar!

as i was telling luwin.

"
last week outfield liao, this week out field again. next 2 weeks outfield again. before i know it. brunei here i come.. -_- "


many of you would say that going brunei would be fun.
well my serg already told me.
brunei got 3 Ms
Mountain. Mud. Mosquitoes.

woot!


argh.
just venting. dont mind me.