a familiar sinking feeling.

full time.

Villareal 1 - 0 Internazionale.




Villareal deserved the victory.
I'll admit as much.


Complacentcy. What else do I need to add?


and ya. Roberto Mancini has to be fired.

urgh.

Time for bed.

there she goes. there she goes again......








and i was walking down the shops at marina square minding my own buisness.
I came from suntec yea. so i passed levis and stuff. and continued walking down.

And as per normal. which is always the case. My earphones, or more specefically ear buds were stuck in my ears.

so basically, i cant hear anything. i can only look at stuff.


Now let me explain why qian always has little things (ear buds) or big things (headphones) stuck in his ears.

cause when you are listening to music, noise cant distract you. I dont know if you notice it or not, but when you there are no noise to distract you, you tend to pay more attention to things happening around you via the sense of vision.


now, there may be people who agree with me. thats good.
and then again there will be people who disagree with me. (fuck you, you stupid.)


but point is, i like to walk around headphones blaring. whether its rude or not. cos frankly, i cant and dont give a shit.









alright, back to track.

anyway, i was walking down minding my own business. feeling alittle thirsty and was looking for a place to have a drink.

billy bombers. eurgh.
macdonalds. fiack you.



then.






she was wearing this white and green ecko jacket. score!
This plain skirt. stylish. but plain.
Very delicate features. frame by a oval shape faced.
She had shoulder hair length hair tied up. hint of chocolate brown.
Perfect complexion. Puuuurrrrrfect. i cannot stress that enough. not only good, but perfect.
And she was sauntering down the walkway.
Yea she was.




and i knew i died happy.







after that.......
after i calmed down by walking around the shops.
and looking for stuff to buy.
I settled down at macdonalds to take a puff and my dinner.
puff was primary, dinner was secondary. but anyway.



there she goes... there she goes again....


now you must understand that the outdoor sitting at maccers at marina square offer a scenic view of the skyline. which includs the esplanade and the CBD area. its really very charming,



and there she was.


and she reached into her bag.



lo and behold.

she takes out a camera......not any shitty camera. but a serious prosumer.







i died at that point.

dropped my cup, spilled my drink, ciggarette jumped out of my hand, fell on my book.
book caught fire.




(now, that last bit is made up, but its just to describe the situation.)





i died at that point.








i nvr had the hots for felicia chin.


but as of today.......



i totally buy it.




heck.....


if i think about it long enough, maybe i'll even set up a fan club.



like minded personnel please send your CV with attached photo.
No sleazy old men please.
and if you are an angsty young biatch/bitch you can forget about it too.
we are a purely happy being club.
orait? no homosexuals as well. (unless you are a pair of hot lesbians.)
its not that i hate em, the truth is that im afraid of em.


other than that, all are welcomed to apply.
and yes, please attached also, a 100 dollar cheque addressed to me.
its for administrative purposes you see. im sure you understand.

that is all.

thankew you.

Then you realise its nothing but a strange illusion.





jp's 21st party went by yesterday.
There was aplenty of people at her place.
we had eats.
we had drinks.
lots of drinks.
john had too much to drink.
- john goes down in stlye *smile for camera* -
*puke*
promptly falls asleep.

jp had presents.
many presents


but one thing for sure.

jp family big.
jp family very big.
jp family @#$% $%^& $%^&* big.


no joke.



will upload some pictures asap.
using aunt's computer.
it has no card reader nor cables.
it doesnt even have infra red. which in truth, is quite irritating.














my grandma is asking for to go eat my dinner.
i shall continue at my leisure.

soon i promise =]

w800i werk.

it aint that flashy. its flash is totally bullshit. its orange and white in colour. makes calls. plays music. sends my sms.



best of all, i can still take good pictures when i dont have my camera.


well....sort of.

you guys be the judge.


now before any boday starts throwing the "wah, so rich everytime change phone" phrase, let me assure you, its a downgrade if anything =[

well. The price one pays when one needs money.





alright.



my brother.




If you are still alive, you are strong.





Its the only thing in the world that would make NSF shell out money willingly. Whiskas aint as cheap as we thought.



The newest and probably the best. I like.

ima not cool.
ima not hot.


ya. ima tepid.





was at coffee bean at gardens (where fucken else can we be!? its sunday night.) with shawn just now.

We tried to act ah beng. but we failed. quite badly me thinks.
firstly, we dont look the part.
the army does not take peroxided personnel too well.
and i dont have clothes with dragons on it. or tigers. or lions. or animals for that matter.

and i cant slick my hair back with massive amounts of hair gel. i cant afford the cost of the hair product.

I smoke. but i dont spit all over the place like they do.

and i actually bought drinks while at coffee bean. 2 drinks if you wanna go into details. if details are your kinda thing. which probably means you are anal retentive. Go sign on as a regular in the army please.

we were sitting on the chairs and not squatting.

but the most telling part was...... our hokkien dictionary was pathetically thin.

we couldnt get pass the swear words. We tried to say yesterday, but we didnt know how to say it. it was quite bad.



but why where we trying?
cos shawn convinced me that ah bengs all got pretty girl friends.
and girls dig that ah beng bullshit.





nabeh.







well. there has been a drought of post recently from me.
Simply for the reason that i havent had anything interesting to say.
nor do i have the energy to further develop the lil interesting idea buds in my head.
So yea. ima have nothing much to say.

but the simple reason could be that i am in the army.


an update .....ima most probably going on a trip to perth in may.
any one wants to come along? but if you wanna, please be normal.
i dont take abnormal people very well. or animals for that matter.
i know some animals.


ya. thats about it.
i'm really that bored.

and for those who think that all french men are gay, please watch district 13.
we only have 1 jackie chan and we have been raving about him all these years.
catch those 2 french men out. leito and damien.
they must have springs bulit into their legs. or dampers and stuff.

V for Vendetta is good as well. natalie portman's the protaganist. that means i am 9 bucks poorer.
truly. ima simple bloake. natalie portman and i pay 9 bucks.
its nuts.



orait, me gonna stop typing.
gonna head to bed. needa be in camp early tmr.
ciao.

My bullets for your love.

10 things i miss.

in no particular order. but of cos, some more so than others. in no particular order, so you all wont know what i miss most.


1) I miss the spontaneous. the spark. the "no plan" is my plan.

Ever since i've entered the army. Time has been a precious comodity. I've got to plan who i want to spend it with and what i wanna spend it on. Compared to yester year's carefree attitude to time, its been a great change. I'm more organised and such, but i miss the crazyness. the get up and go. and the "who gives a shit its a school day i am going out to have fun today."


2) I miss school.

Yes. alot. the reservior. the various canteens. Jupiters cafe. i-law chambers. astro tuff.I miss the whole damn fucking thing. I miss smoking at the reserviour staring at the birds of prey who seemed to be suspended in the air but not moving. The time we put lihin into the drain, punkd shawn and edwin on their birthdays. I miss school.


3) jessie.

nabeh. who ask her go australia. her fault.



4) I miss the late nights.

When it was so carefree. When there was not much of a consequence for sleeping late. The quiet nights. When i would listen to my music, surf my porn the net and drag a stick. working on projects. tired like crazy. staying up. chatting on the net. talking to people. not telling you, but refusing to sleep because you are not.



5) I miss the beach.

its not that i haven been to the beach. i was there last friday. point is. I miss very much, the times spent there after school. Where the gang would head to classic pool for a few rounds, grab dinner at BKs at parkway and head over to the beach. We would smoke. talk. about everything and anything. till late. or rather, till azlin had to be home! haha. yea, i miss azlin too. haha.


6) pierside.

working there. rushing there after school. sheepishly entering thru the back door. frantically changing into the uniform. serving customers. working at the bar. talking to the cook. the rush hour where we would go almost crazy. the food that we would get to eat. The staff, who cured my alcoholic addiction by playing drinking games with me till i puked like a fucking merlion beside the merlion. but most of all, i miss pay day.


7) taking photos.

for some reason, ive been losing abit of my touch. losing abit of inspiration. but i intend to get it back soon. if not, i'll just take photos off the web and claim them as my own! dont give a fuck already!


8) APEC

We were the original group blog. People actually read penguin bloodlust, and amazingly they even felt that what we wrote were fucken amazing! The best of penguins, the best of friends. what happened to us along the way i dont know. We are still friends, we still keep in touch, but it seems and obviously is so much different from the past. Senior citizen's corner, the ECP potluck, bunking over at muizz's for no reason. I miss those times. very very very much. and i regret why its not like that now.


9) football

gone were the days when we played football once a week. The thrasing of other teams who meddled with us. We were good. very damn good. and we were team mates. but most of all, we were friends and brothers. yes we were. even haider and pussy is included. but only cos im in a fairly good mood today.



10) what i miss.

is written on an entry. dated 3rd january. far from peering eyes. and sometimes, even from my own.







pffffffft.


and guess what, i'm being granted stay out status. that means i get to go home everyday. its now truly an 8 to 5 job. but the shit pay stays. but i'm not complaining too much. i cant fucken believe it. enlisted till now 8 months already. and is till have my limbs and brain fairly, if not completely intact. i still find it fucken unreal.

ah.

i wanna go do somethign else

btw, i caught "capote"

its good shit. go catch it.

ima going off now. till i tap again.
ciao.

im bored already.



in preachy tones.
listening to him go on and on about the army.

its like his "life's greatest hitz" track number 3 title "lim peh si officer leh!"
about how it has changed him into a better man.
a officer. of distinguised conduct and capability.
in his own words " it was hell."
Yes. and he went thru hell.
i'll give it to him.
To last through 10 months of harsh training isnt easy.



Yes. People do reap rewards of what they sow.
But sometimes, its not what they sow that matters.
Its WHY they sow it.
but that is just part one of the equation.
Part 2 is HOW they sow it.

If a man cant answer these 2 parts of his journey(or sort of) as satisfyingly as he can, then, i daresay, that the end does not matter. At all.

Cause simply. Why do something if you dont know what your aims are?
and question too your ways and means to get to your target.



To gain respect of others is not via showing off what you have.
Its showing others the means and the route you took to your achievement.
that is what impresses people the most.
Its the element that makes heros and idols.



this friend of mine. i shall not disclose his name.
is an officer.
but from all our conversations together, i gather only 1 thing.
he is a officer for the wrong reasons.
not that he is a bad officer or anything.
or if he didnt deserve his rank. He does deserve his rank. He worked hard for it.
for somehow, it does not fit.



He is always living in the shadows of his brother.
without realising it, he is always comparing himself to his brother.
and how his relatives all give his elder sibling the peferential treatment.
and how he is going to beat his brother in every way that he can......


i cant really understand him. For him, his brother isnt a person to follow in the food steps of.
To him, perhaps, his brother is only there for him to surpass. In everything and anything.

but it is, when your sole reason for doing anything substantial stems from your deep seated ego to upsurp someone.


education, he tolded us how he got into a JC instead of his brother's poly route.

army, he told us how his brother was only a spec. and in an condesending tone as well.

21st birthday! he told us how his brother had a huge party. and his plans of staging an even bigger one.



truly, how can one be happy to live his life to just better that one single person?
its kind of sad how one is motivated by jealousy. and spite, so much so that he is willing to put all his effort, might and capability to win, in every single event. against only ONE competitor.

Now what happens when he realises that he has beaten his own brother in every single aspect? when there is nothing else to compare. what will he strive on? be motivated on?
whats there worth left? after all, you've beaten the one you wanted to beat all your life.



there is nothing but emptiness.


this friend of mine is the same age as me.
But i cant understand why our viewpoints are so different.
so vastly different that i almost thinks his aims are crazy and uncalled for.
and to him my life is flippant and too care free for comfort.

but beneath everything, what has his life got more to offer than mine?

education?
I got as good an education as he has.

armywise?
he is an officer for the wrong reason. i'm a clerk for all the right reasons. whats there to be sad of in my situation? and whats so proud to be in his? when he is there for the wrong reason?


girlfriends?
a series of girl friends that he fucks and cant keep?
me? i have till this point of time, 1 girl that i have truly felt for. yes, just one, but thats nothing to be ashamed off right? and in what way do i lose? its nuts!

passion?
he has the passion for hard liqour, beer and always boasting about his drinking escapades.
Me? i got my photography. i can freeze time in black and white. i can show zest of life in technicolour. and i dont get sick and vomit with what i love.

family?
he does not even want to have dinner with his parents. Whats there more to say?


and what else? there are so many things to compare.
Too many really.

but i'll stop here.
why?


time constraint lar!


need to go back camp, tmr got major event.
go back sleep early.

till i one touch type again, goodnight.

now...

2 laptops running side by side.

now thats a interesting proposition i'll give careful consideration too.

an shiny orange toshiba protege.

i like.

haha.

I hope you dont mind, what i put down in words.




for the longest time, ive never allowed myself the privilege to just kick back and wallow in self pity, denial, depression and generally lay myself to waste infront of the teevee or by becoming a parasite to my bed..
which is the right, for the rich, childish, the lovelorn and the lazy good for nothings.



but today. I indulged myself.
I slept only to wake up for meals.
I watched television programs which made no real sense.
I left my brain to rot and stale and generally let all the world's bad things happen to it.




so basically, today felt like being in a home for the old, sick and dying.
and no, it does not feel good.

I wonder how come people who are already depressed can indulge in such activities, or should i say non activites?


if anything, the lack of general activity which stimulates the brain causes much more depressive thoughts and anxiety over "what should have beens" and "what ifs" among others.

Which cant be a good thing.

A man cant live his life thinking about the "what ifs" or the "what nots."
He'll become disillusioned and starts to blame everyone else for his faults.
its a very vicious cycle.

He be much better along if he thought of the "what the fucks" in the long run.

now truly, thats true =]





alright. i'm gonna snap out of it right here right now.
im going out for some coffee and mental stiumulation before i book in.

till i vomit again, good night everyone.

argh. the depressived being the one to depraved me of happiness which actually in finality is only one.

the one being.

me.

We go a long way back.

Met fn this evening. and he bought along this writing pad that he used to use in
school. and in it, one particular page, was the minutes of meeting for a family law meeting.


I remember that day. We were outside the library working on the 4 column bullshite. ahh.... memories of school are damn weird.



17th march 04.
thats almost 2 years back.
and that must be the most messy and ridiculous meeting minutes you will ever see.. tsk tsk. law students. LPB will flip if she sees this.


ontop we have chinese translation name of various people.
eh..van halen. stone cold steve austin. axl rose. and many more.
we (obviously not me and fn.) even tested chinese word power by trying to write the names of people in law who had chinese names.




i cant read the chinese characters. my chinese damn bad. anyone able to enlighten?
i asked fn, but fn isnt exactly the kinda person you wanna ask in regards to chinese.
The meeting ended at 5:26pm altho it started at 1100 am.
I ended the meeting. Its in my handwriting no?
yea, we had a tournament that day. thereafter fn, ling and me scooted off to the astro tuff babeh!



I have no idea why ling's name and mine are splashed across the page. dont ask me. I didnt write that.
and you see the part where it says break for lunch?
We had fake ramli burgers at engine school. yuck. shit food.
But after that we did have some other food.
Fn and me particulary remember the popcorn for jupiters cafe.



here you see members of family law group.
and the time the meeting commenced.
I got an honourable mention cause i arrive at 1130 =] half and hour late.

as you can see, fn's handwriting is elaborate and squibbly.
alil hard to read no? this post may seem like utter hogwash to you.
but it brings back many memories for me.

and more often that not, these are good memories.

tired now. gonna go to bed. hit you guys the next time i blog again =]

10 pictures that i really like.

they dont necessary have the elements of award winning photos.

But they just have that something to them that i hold very close to my heart.

They are kinda like documentations of some of my happiest times.

And i keep them, so that if and when memories fade, the photos still remain as vibrant as ever.

Some of these photos are worth more than a thousand words.

These are just 10 of em.

I have many many more.

in my private collection =]

But then, i kinda really like these 10.

so i thought i would share it with the readers of my humble blog.

All these are taken and edited by me.
Hope you see the fun and the memories like I do in these photos.

Enjoy.

Pierside. LawProm



aaron.mx.lu.hanz.shady.zul.




suit.noir


mad cook cooking action figure. batteries and various foodstuff not included.


compasspoint.bbqpit.jess's 20th bday.2005


I cant remember when this photo aws taken. but lihin, despite being skinny, count mount the fence with fat arse mu and nan managed. nan barely tho.


One of the best times in my life. ubin with these guys. fun filled.


This photos just sums it up doesnt it? during one of our numerous footie tournaments.


in the fabled gentlemen's club. Girls/ladies/whores not allowed.
muizz is a whore. but he is an exception =] he is an exceptional whore. with massive bushy ass hair included.






haha. these photos. they just put a smile on my face and kill me at the same time.

would you live your life youself? or would alil voodoo magic help?




I'm a mess. my minds a mess and even my desk is a mess. nabeh.
my work desk a mess.
and its not like i do any decent work on it.
books that i'm reading.
wires all over. essential for all me gadgets.
games sprewn all over the damn place.
coins and more coins all over to much to collate.
its like scrambled eggs around here.



excruiating slow. slow like how most girls walk.
its been a very slow week at work.
working on the court martial case.
dealing with various fucktards.
getting arrows in the chest and even some on my ass.
snorting 100% whey protein for fun in between.
horseing around all the time.
attended the damn court martial today.
the fucker got thrown in fer 6 months.
he derserved it.
HQ cohension outing today.
Went to safra tempines to bowl.
20 lanes. hmm. yea, 20 lanes.
bowled the whole damn afternoon away.

its been a slow slow week.

hope your week has been better.



serve the time fuckhead. You deserve it.
The problem with people nowadays is that they dont think.
Truly. If you think about it. For a second, think about it.

ok. maybe about 10 seconds, but do give it a shot.

People make stupid mistakes because they dont think.
Consequences. think stupid.
elementary watson.

If you dont think, you just end up looking really stupid.

Like how the 5 detainees looked in the dock today.
waiting for their sentences to be read out.
i've never once shed any sympathy for any of them.
Not one onuce.
I do not, for one second, even consider that they may be a victim of circumstances.
No matter what their defending officer might say.
You do the deed, you pay the price.

"PTE so and so, this court hereby sentences you to 6 months detention."

Music to my ears. At least i done have to meddle with him for another 6 months.



and of books.
I spent 70 bucks on books this week.
Battle Royale. Good Omens and Shadow of the wind.
Ima one and a half thru and till now, i think its money well spent.
and yea, with the kino card that was loaned to me by melvin, i got quite a good discount =]



and of valentines.
I dont think St Valentines will approved of what i did on valentine's day.
He'll probably do more than raise a brow.
But do i give a fucking hell's chipmunk's shit?
No. I'm not christian anyway.
The only saint i know would be the ones who give me what i need when i need it.
so there.

Valentines day was spent well. alone. solo.
I went to kino. Followed by coffee at spinellis.
Where I read, drank coffee that cost me 6 bucks, blackend my lungs and commited genocide on my sperm with tobacco (this proves that health warning works but no one really gives a shit.) and dodging giant boquet of flowers that must cost as much as my monthly pay.

Yes, you read that right and didnt imagine their size wrongly.
They are that fucking big , fucking gaundy and fucking ugly.
and the chicks who have em look as tho they are on top of the world.
and the guys beside them, well, the guys just look really poor. in health and in cash =]

and no, the flowers were not even alil charming.
they looked crummy. Where has good taste and common sense gone?!
left back in the victorian times i guess.



of gay cow boys.
watch brokeback mount if gay cow boys are your thing.
I made the mistake of thinking luwin was joking when he told me that its a movie about 2 gay cow boys.
Imagine my face when the scene of the 2 cowboys humping each other in the arse came up.
actually, you cant imagine my face.
it was stuffed in my sweater.
I consider myself to be quite strong in the gut.
But some things, even hercules would buckle under and that shawn cant stomach.
Jet Li is fearless, but i bet he would fear even this.


and gay sex is one of em.




middle eastern food.
i'm thinking. Middle eastern food might just be the best food on earth.
Its true fusion food me thinks. In what food culture can you have sausages (western) with kebabs on the same menue?
and kus kus ( i dont know how to spell it) smacks of spanish patella( i dont know how to spell this as well.)
and if you havent guess. yes, my favourite flavour of the moment is middle eastern.

only bummer is that they dont serve pork.
now imagine, pork kebab. now, thats something to savour.
and thats what i call food fer thought.








nabeh.
and its 4am, time fer me to crash.

Who'd be my bullet valentine.
I remember, all i wanted last year for valentine's day was for my call to be picked up.




This weekend. Was invigorating.
Cept for saturday morning to late afternoon. Had to go back to camp to clean some fucker up.
I spent the weekend chilling out. Met shawn and jo on friday night/ sat morning. Sent clara off to australia on sat early morning.

Saturday evening was good.
Went with lu in search of good food and beer. Not a cent was spared.
Caught 2 movies thereafter.

Sunday was good as well. Had lunch with family at swimming club.
Headed over to town alone. Bought a book at kino. Chilled at coffee bean for a couple of hours with my cuppa and my smokes....
headed off home. bk into camp late at night.

so, its been a fine weekend afterall. in spite of everything, its been quite a good weekend by my own high standards.


anyway,
jessie's been gone fer a week. fn's returning 22nd.



cheetoh, i cant chat on msn and blog at the same time.
think will stop now.




neway, last year, my call never did get picked up.
and it hurt me in more ways that i imagine.

lol. this year, i can laugh about it.
i must say. its been a job well done.




job well done.



so far......

I'll be there for you.
This 5 words i swear to you.
When you breathe,
i wanna be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.






now why do love songs have to be so heart painfully noble?

but i would prefer to use "mind numbling cheesy" to describe em.

but its bon jovi. so who cares? He got some balls in some really tight pants to hit those high notes.
whee.






today was firdaus bday.
We threw him a party.
a blanket party.
it was pretty fun.
Well, at least, i had fun. does not matter if it wasnt so fun for him.
thats not the point eh?






shenigans.
yes.
what da fuck.

oops.
bang.
dead.

human rights.
left handed.
huh?!

ka pui.
spit.
pisshead.

kiss my ass.
keys my ass good buy.


drink to myself.
water as vodka.
drunk but not high.
rather bloated.
puked.
not because of bloatness.
but i felt sick.
sick to the gut.
sick to the heart.




i'm snooping around friendster.
and its distrubing how people can know so many people.
i've been a friendster member since oct 03.
and i've got eh....52 friends.
and 21 testimonials.
thats not bad right?
oddly enough and very disturbingly, i can remember the day i registered with friendster.
erm.
yea, at my pervious place.
i was on me bed with lappy. just woke up. and shawn was bitching on msn to get me initiated on this friendster thing.
well. then.
i registered.
and my eyes almost popped.
when at the first time i logged in.
someone was already requesting to be my friend.
and it wasnt shawn.
it was someone else.
i took it as a sign.
and unluckily enough,
it wasnt like a road sign.
it fucking was a wrong sign lar fuck.
heh. wrong signal. wrong signal. so sorry.



but i have a confession to make.
i snoop around profiles.
and when i see one of the photographs done by me are put up by people as their primary photo.
ego-boost.
no shit serious no shit shit.
it feels good babeh!
heh.

alright. got to go.
going back camp to crash.
bad day at work today.
my fucking court martial got adjourned.
fucking prosecutors.
more work fer me.

as jo put it.

i'm not crying. my eyeballs are sweating.






and yes. jessie left. and we are a wreck.

well at least jia pei was.

it all hit us in our own ways.
big or small.
small or big.


we made a scarpe book for her.

with all our photos. about 50 of them.

and she gave us photos of us in little frames.
handpainted. hand decorated with a hand written note.












and yes.

i'm very sad that my guygal is gone =[

and for such a long time at that.

and another friend sent me a msg today.
"im leavin tonight."



wow. wonderful weekend i must say.




nabeh cao chee bye.

hang em high.


and i dont want to make things difficult for you.



I claimed that i didnt give a shit about what my friends say.

but jessie's imminent departure forced a new point of view on me.
I do.
I do give a big fuck about what my friends say.


No matter what they say, no matter how difficult to swallow.
I know, they have my best interest at heart.

whether its a misunderstanding or whatsoever that they had.

its not important anymore.

it wasnt important before anyway.

Looking at the whole mess from a bystander's point of view.
its very darn obvious.

They were there for me.
whether i needed it or not.
whether i was right or wrong.
whether if its fucken 3am in the morning.
and basically, very unfeelingly or not, they were just there.
like pillars.

and i wont pretend that i'm appreciative cos i really am.


and of cos. i didnt need you to be there.
and needless to say, i felt that you were never there.
just like how the goo goo dolls song went
"i thought i lost you somewhere, but you were really never ever there at all."

and now you are probably thinking "fuck you. vice versa."

and maybe you are not.
I hope not.

but in all fairness, i probably didnt know you enough.

cos if i did, i wouldnt have gone thru all that.

i didnt get anything out of it at all.
of cos one shouldnt expect anything in matters of the heart. cos its not morally right?

but on the other hand, one should expect everything there is to expect.
wrong?
but arnt you hard pressed to find a reason why its wrong?

if there isnt any expectation, i suppose there is no trust.

but sometimes its not the case.

there could be expectations. but no trust.

its like. i expect you to do something, but i dont trust you would do it.

and i should know.

and lets not even go to distrust. lets not go there.

"not revealing something does not equate telling a fucken lie"

and that is just fucken bollocks.



but as the story went along... what i felt was that,

its just a phrase of constant denial and setting even higher bars.

and it just escalates till the lies that you tell dont even seem like fucking lies but excuses to save oneself.
and that is supremely sad.

and so poor on the heart.
that a certain story's protaganist "oliver", pales in comparison
and thats a sick twist isnt it?


I would really like to look bad on everything and say that i came out a better person.

but its not easy.
it blew up alot of sandcastles that i had and i suppose i'll never look at some things the same way again. or at least for a long time.

nope. its hard.
even adding water does not soften it. its difficult.
The negatives just outweigh the positives so much.
david and goliath.
and in my story, david dies.
maybe its because i'm not christian. thats why.
and maybe thats why i have no faith too.
no more faith... ...


for one bought up the way i was.
i cant accept it. losing even when giving all.
if possible. i'd rather not play.
the way i see it...everyone plays to win.
no 2 ways about it.
and if you are a casualty on the way, so be it.
bad luck.
and most glaringly enough, maybe you just werent good enuff.
you didnt fucking cut it.

and you can hardly blame anyone for not cutting it.

i've accepted it way long time ago.
i didnt cut it.
not even close.

but i why did i keep to it?
because of my innate stubborness.
because i was anal retentive. still am.
because i wasnt smart enough.
because i'm me.
because of a myriad of reasons.

but maybe it didnt occur to her.
that its because she meant something to me.





but i'm fine nowadays.
i'm happier than before.
I got my friends around me.
well, fine, ok. jessie till saturday.

but my point is, after all this bullshit.
when you wanna cry. the first ones you cry too, will be the first ones who are there for you.

and they are the special people in your life.

and they are the same people that watch a movie with you, drink a cup of coffee with you, drag a stick with you and the ones who pick you up, dust you off and send you on your way.



and till i puke again.
adios.

Joy in a leather ball.

its a very simple kind of joy.

when there is the solid contact with that satisfying thud.

and you feel as tho you and the ball are one.

one entity.

and all you want to do at the point of time. is to send it where you want it to go.

correction.

and all you are at best trying to do at that point of time is to send it where you want it to go.

Into goal or to your team mates feet.

And in that instant. Nothing really matters. girls, money, whatever.
It ceases to matter.

Nothing else matters.

Once that ball hits the net. Or becomes that all important pass that leads to a goal.
You feel gratification. Instantly. Elation even.

But even when it does not become what you want it to.
When there is a semblence of your intention in your actions.
When there is a semblence of your intention in the ball's direction.
When the ball goes really close to its intended target only not to hit it.
Not all is down trodden and depressing.

An encouraging smile, abit of applause, a thumbs up.
Can provide, a emotion close to a feeling that you wanted to achieve in the first place.

Its a simple kind of joy.

It really is.

Alls in vain. Alls in fucking vain. an entry about herr.

and so. CSM wanted to conduct a hair check.
yea. sure. just go for a hair cut. No big deal.



but. its cny. hair cuts are expensive.
*looks into wallet.


so i went "fuck it. oi! fidaus, you can cut my hair."

and yea. he cut my hair.
i let him cut my hair.
with assistance from juju / jubobie/ jumumbie.



anyway.
it didnt turn out too bad.
no rough patches that cant be disguised with liberal amounts of gel and hair spray.


the point is.
looking what has army turned me into.






a fuck care everything.


LOL.



but then.





ITS JUST HAIR FOR CHRIST SAKE!



and as tyra banks once said
"it'll all grow back."



till i moose again, when you reindeer again.
over and out.

take my photo off the wall if it just wont sing for you.

caught football hooligans today. enjoyed it immensly.

my kinda show =]

tomorro i will pay respect to me granddad.

i promise i will try to restrain the pent up anger in me.

wee-sh me luck.

orchad road isnt so inviting anymore.

its too damn crowded for one thing.

and too much lil kids out there for another.

and i might just bump into people i know like i did today.

which i didnt really like. or welcomed bumping into.

but it still stocks the essentials and the not so essentials.

which means i still hafta go there.

feeling kinda drowsy. think i'll stop here. continue soon.

see you guys.

altho it feels alittle weird. saying this.

i must admit that i feel alittle more than excited about the imminent home coming......

nuff said.

i'm booking back into camp.



let me leave you with a typical work day conversation that i have with a camp mate of mine.



*sitting at the computer working. extending people's ord due to misdemenours that they have committed. busy like mad. if thats even possible.

*jasper walks in. the most irritating fuck all irritant in the fucking saf's history.

*he spots me mini baby on me.

jasper " heh yi chiang, thats the o2 mini right? can i have a look?*

* me gives evil stare.


"no!fuck off!"


jasper walks away sulkily while the rest of us hi 5s and laugh away.




now. dont ask me why he cant prononce my name.
i dont know why. maybe its because of his small dick.
i know. cos wira saw, wira he told me.


"sial lar! jasper bodeh small ceoooooo!"