I just wanted to get something off my chest.
I am not happy.
1 week before departure.
and I'm suddenly having a very bad case of jitters.
I've not slept for 36 hours straight and have smoked approximately 40 cigarettes with many shots of espresso in between.
I have not even started and I'm feeling tremendous pressure.
Not from anyone but from myself.
I am not happy.
I am not happy with myself.
This shouldn't be happening.
I'm a wreck and I look a wreck.
I need sleep, rest, calm. badly.
This shouldn't be happening when things are the way I want them to be.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
New post.
Yay!
Those of you expecting me to blog about my birthday, forget about it. I'm not doing it.
All I'll say is that it went exceedingly well and that I got swell presents.
How does it feel to be 22?
fucken old.
Todays post is probably gonna sounds like gibberish to most of you so if you had a heavy day before reading this, i suggest you dont. If you havent had a heavy day before reading this, I suggest you dont as well, this is to ensure that you dont have a bad day thinking of the perfectly good 5 mins you wasted reading this post.
Recently, I've been very obsessed with this video game called Forza Motorsports 2.
Basically, its a racing sim. My obsession is so bad that you can hear my scream "vtec kui liao!" for no aparrant reason.
Now tonight has been a really unsatisfactory night of racing.
My B class subaru WRX STI 04 just refuses to behave itself.
I'm experiencing loads of understeer that I cant correct properly with the throttle.
Give it too little gas, it refuses to turn, give it more gas, it leaves rubber on the floor.
No good, no good.
Tuning didnt really help.
Screwing around with the suspension settings didnt really change much.
The maths involved was just mentally boggling.
an e.g would be something like
weight of car X 0.02 (rebound rating)
weight of car X 0.03 (damper rebound)
with these set of figures, you gonna then adjust the slip differential.
which formula is something like this e.g
weight of car X 423.3 (which is car weights X 0.032)
after which you use the value and multiply by the slip differential percentage.
In the end, I ended with with a differential slip rating of 64% in the front tires and the 44% in the rear tires.
With this settings in place, THEROTICALLY, you will be able to muniplate your AWD train car to the behaviour of a RWD car.
This is all in theory.
When you bring it out to track, you now realise that the rear has too much power for your AWD style of driving.
So you try to adapt.
But in the end, it still doesnt feel right.
Its like, I cant take the cockscrew turn on laguna seca like I usually am able to do so.
going up the hill in 4th gear, you shift down towards 2 taking all due percaution in not burning out your engine and transmission.
Once you hit the downhill potion, you swing the car from left to right and back left again and let the car roll down the hill without depressing the throttle.
NOW, the problem is when you get to the bottom of the hill, you give it maximum gas, hoever because of the slip differential difference between the front and the rear, your tail will start running away from you.
So to rectify that, you counter steer and feather the gas.
This solves the problem. well, sort of solves the problem...
Another e.g will be the 130R on suzuka.
Its called the 130 R because its a left hand corner that you are theoratically able to take at 130miles per hour.
Well, in theory that is.
You enter that corner full of gas flat out and usually you go as fast as you dare with the throttle.
half throttle or full throttle.
usually, people downshift or tap the brakes to gently slow down to the desired speed,
Today the 130R was a mess. Entering the corner, i let of half the gas in order not to let the real end run.
I didnt drop a gear because i didnt want a too sever engine brake.
Lo and behold, entering the corner, releasing the throttle, expecting a drop of speed.
and guess what.
the mother fucking thing kept going.
Ended up ploughing into the wall damaging the engine and the transmission which translates into the end of the race for me.
Its a real headache.
Tomorrow, I shall try and adjust the brake biasness, camber settings, tire pressure and gear rations IF i have time.
You know, after all this, I swear, that if my primary maths school teacher said that doing well in math is gonna help in tuning my car, I would have studied way way harder.
all that is left now, is a regret and eating people's exhaust.
Tomorrow, I shall go tweak the car again. This time, I'm determined to make it work.
Yay!
Those of you expecting me to blog about my birthday, forget about it. I'm not doing it.
All I'll say is that it went exceedingly well and that I got swell presents.
How does it feel to be 22?
fucken old.
Todays post is probably gonna sounds like gibberish to most of you so if you had a heavy day before reading this, i suggest you dont. If you havent had a heavy day before reading this, I suggest you dont as well, this is to ensure that you dont have a bad day thinking of the perfectly good 5 mins you wasted reading this post.
Recently, I've been very obsessed with this video game called Forza Motorsports 2.
Basically, its a racing sim. My obsession is so bad that you can hear my scream "vtec kui liao!" for no aparrant reason.
Now tonight has been a really unsatisfactory night of racing.
My B class subaru WRX STI 04 just refuses to behave itself.
I'm experiencing loads of understeer that I cant correct properly with the throttle.
Give it too little gas, it refuses to turn, give it more gas, it leaves rubber on the floor.
No good, no good.
Tuning didnt really help.
Screwing around with the suspension settings didnt really change much.
The maths involved was just mentally boggling.
an e.g would be something like
weight of car X 0.02 (rebound rating)
weight of car X 0.03 (damper rebound)
with these set of figures, you gonna then adjust the slip differential.
which formula is something like this e.g
weight of car X 423.3 (which is car weights X 0.032)
after which you use the value and multiply by the slip differential percentage.
In the end, I ended with with a differential slip rating of 64% in the front tires and the 44% in the rear tires.
With this settings in place, THEROTICALLY, you will be able to muniplate your AWD train car to the behaviour of a RWD car.
This is all in theory.
When you bring it out to track, you now realise that the rear has too much power for your AWD style of driving.
So you try to adapt.
But in the end, it still doesnt feel right.
Its like, I cant take the cockscrew turn on laguna seca like I usually am able to do so.
going up the hill in 4th gear, you shift down towards 2 taking all due percaution in not burning out your engine and transmission.
Once you hit the downhill potion, you swing the car from left to right and back left again and let the car roll down the hill without depressing the throttle.
NOW, the problem is when you get to the bottom of the hill, you give it maximum gas, hoever because of the slip differential difference between the front and the rear, your tail will start running away from you.
So to rectify that, you counter steer and feather the gas.
This solves the problem. well, sort of solves the problem...
Another e.g will be the 130R on suzuka.
Its called the 130 R because its a left hand corner that you are theoratically able to take at 130miles per hour.
Well, in theory that is.
You enter that corner full of gas flat out and usually you go as fast as you dare with the throttle.
half throttle or full throttle.
usually, people downshift or tap the brakes to gently slow down to the desired speed,
Today the 130R was a mess. Entering the corner, i let of half the gas in order not to let the real end run.
I didnt drop a gear because i didnt want a too sever engine brake.
Lo and behold, entering the corner, releasing the throttle, expecting a drop of speed.
and guess what.
the mother fucking thing kept going.
Ended up ploughing into the wall damaging the engine and the transmission which translates into the end of the race for me.
Its a real headache.
Tomorrow, I shall try and adjust the brake biasness, camber settings, tire pressure and gear rations IF i have time.
You know, after all this, I swear, that if my primary maths school teacher said that doing well in math is gonna help in tuning my car, I would have studied way way harder.
all that is left now, is a regret and eating people's exhaust.
Tomorrow, I shall go tweak the car again. This time, I'm determined to make it work.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
with a tear in my eye, give you the sweetest goodbye
http://www.bob.com.sg/forum/showthread.php?t=37175
sigh.
http://www.bob.com.sg/forum/showthread.php?t=37175
sigh.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
There is love.
and there is love for kettle chips!
Saw this rack at carrfour on sunday and threw an instant fit, spewing white foam and having spasms all over.
God bless the kettle chips.
Especially the Dijon Mustard flavour.
This is the ultimate po-tah-toh cheap.
not very cheap tho.
440 per pack.
very sad portions as well.
But the taste is explosive. it really is. ask fn. lolol.
Junk food like this shouldn't exist.
The world would be good if it was made of cadbury.
But the world would be GREAT if it was made of kettle chips.
Just make sure that there is plenty of water after the chips.
Kettle Chips.
oh fucking awesome.
and there is love for kettle chips!
Saw this rack at carrfour on sunday and threw an instant fit, spewing white foam and having spasms all over.
God bless the kettle chips.
Especially the Dijon Mustard flavour.
This is the ultimate po-tah-toh cheap.
not very cheap tho.
440 per pack.
very sad portions as well.
But the taste is explosive. it really is. ask fn. lolol.
Junk food like this shouldn't exist.
The world would be good if it was made of cadbury.
But the world would be GREAT if it was made of kettle chips.
Just make sure that there is plenty of water after the chips.
Kettle Chips.
oh fucking awesome.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Even when the sun is shinning, I cant avoid the lightning.
So yes. I'm back from my little get away from singapore with all its pressures, stress and idiosyncrasies that never fail to amaze, astound and disgust me.
So how was my holiday?
Well, it was great.
We didnt exactly do anything strenuous or exciting actually.
We just relaxed.
and it was uber
Its something to be able to forget everything else and just be yourself.
I survived 5 days without my cell phone and the internet. (well, I cheated abit, I wrote some emails on my cell to be sent upon my return, but well, I had the spare time to write some, so what the hell.)
So its pretty good I would say.
During the holiday, we got loads of grub, sleep, sun, sand and sea.
Infact, I just uploaded the photos to my mac. I havent yet processed them. I'll wait till I collect the prints from the underwater camera , the holga and process them all in one shot. I think they'll be ready something next week, so I guess I'll sit tight.
I promise pictures of masks, snorkels and kingkongs swimming.
Anyway...
Did you know that little fishes bite?
Yes they do.
The little mofos.
Well then, I'll blog more about the trip when I get the pictures done.
We Do, What We Need To Be Free.
We Go Blind, When We Needed To See.
We're growing up in a world that has devalued the ideals of the word 'love' because we're more interested in looking out for ourselves than putting anyone else first.
How does one stay on the line between self interest, self preservation, self defense and the kind of "fuck-all-fuck-everything-I-dont-fucking-care" love for someone that we sometimes feel?
If we fight we think we have to win.
If we argue we refuse to back down.
If we perform a chore or task we expect a favour in return.
We play tit for tat.
We hurt each other and take a perverse joy in doing so.
We can deny it but we never seem to see it.
and sometimes
The worst of all, we hurt ourselves.
The Japanese - they had no word for love until the West 'invaded'.
Their relationships were therefore made up of degrees of friendship, lust and affection.
Modern relationships are no different.
You can apply friendship, lust and affection to every single interpersonal relationship you have.
It is unreasonable to believe that you could never love another person - although keeping realistic, some people may never because people are different. But there is no rule of the human mind that says you can only love one single person.
Varying degrees.
Not one can place a quantitative numeral on the degrees in which we love, cherish and care for another being.
But sometimes we try.
Songs try.
Sometimes we say the words.
I Love You.
Do you love your parents?
When was the last time you told your parents that you loved them?
15 year old couples say their 'love you's a dozen times a day.
I suppose this is what we call the principal of diminishing returns.
Because a few weeks down the road, they could very well split.
When you never ever split from your parents who have loved you your whole life, even if they never uttered those words in the time of your entire existence.
I suppose that sometimes, the most precious messages in the world are left unsaid so as to preserve their meaning and feelings.
But I'm proud.
I'm proud to say that I've never felt more honest and sincere on the 3 occasions in which I admitted and stated how I felt.
Once, it didn't even come out as a statement but rather a admission with a accompanying sigh.
In our life. We go round. Big circles in our life and return to the starting point of our interpersonal relationships.
We evaluate these relationships and most times, we find that we return to what we started feeling for a particular person.
Love for your parents.
Fellowship and camaraderie with your friends.
The overwhelming affection and a desire to care and provide for your potential/ life partner.
The intensity of the feelings may have dampened or may have intensified.
But we return to think the best of them. The best of times that you have spent together and remember the best of that person.
We sometimes fail to see how they have disappointed or hurt us in the past because we are mostly not brave enough to grab hold of those memories and justify why we still love that person despite of everything.
Dredging up the past will make it plain to see that enough is enough.
But we never do dredge up the past. Because we cant. We cant bring ourselves to forsake a person and the beautiful memories that we hold.
We are weak.
But in emotions, we find strength.
With strength, we forgive.
With forgiveness, we give a chance.
With chance, we habour a hope.
And with hope,
We dream for a future.
I hope.
Most times I try.
Sometimes I don't.
And when I don't,
I usually find myself back where I came from.
Hoping.
Its been a long post. I don't know why, but I always do one of these posts after a holiday. I suspect that its developing into a very bad habit.
but anyway,
good night ladies and gentlemen.
I've gone through 5, 6 cigarettes (who counts?) blogging and its already 4am.
and I've got to get to my grand's at 9am.
Its time I hit the sack.
Blog soon.
I promise.
So yes. I'm back from my little get away from singapore with all its pressures, stress and idiosyncrasies that never fail to amaze, astound and disgust me.
So how was my holiday?
Well, it was great.
We didnt exactly do anything strenuous or exciting actually.
We just relaxed.
and it was uber
Its something to be able to forget everything else and just be yourself.
I survived 5 days without my cell phone and the internet. (well, I cheated abit, I wrote some emails on my cell to be sent upon my return, but well, I had the spare time to write some, so what the hell.)
So its pretty good I would say.
During the holiday, we got loads of grub, sleep, sun, sand and sea.
Infact, I just uploaded the photos to my mac. I havent yet processed them. I'll wait till I collect the prints from the underwater camera , the holga and process them all in one shot. I think they'll be ready something next week, so I guess I'll sit tight.
I promise pictures of masks, snorkels and kingkongs swimming.
Anyway...
Did you know that little fishes bite?
Yes they do.
The little mofos.
Well then, I'll blog more about the trip when I get the pictures done.
We Do, What We Need To Be Free.
We Go Blind, When We Needed To See.
We're growing up in a world that has devalued the ideals of the word 'love' because we're more interested in looking out for ourselves than putting anyone else first.
How does one stay on the line between self interest, self preservation, self defense and the kind of "fuck-all-fuck-everything-I-dont-fucking-care" love for someone that we sometimes feel?
If we fight we think we have to win.
If we argue we refuse to back down.
If we perform a chore or task we expect a favour in return.
We play tit for tat.
We hurt each other and take a perverse joy in doing so.
We can deny it but we never seem to see it.
and sometimes
The worst of all, we hurt ourselves.
The Japanese - they had no word for love until the West 'invaded'.
Their relationships were therefore made up of degrees of friendship, lust and affection.
Modern relationships are no different.
You can apply friendship, lust and affection to every single interpersonal relationship you have.
It is unreasonable to believe that you could never love another person - although keeping realistic, some people may never because people are different. But there is no rule of the human mind that says you can only love one single person.
Varying degrees.
Not one can place a quantitative numeral on the degrees in which we love, cherish and care for another being.
But sometimes we try.
Songs try.
Sometimes we say the words.
I Love You.
Do you love your parents?
When was the last time you told your parents that you loved them?
15 year old couples say their 'love you's a dozen times a day.
I suppose this is what we call the principal of diminishing returns.
Because a few weeks down the road, they could very well split.
When you never ever split from your parents who have loved you your whole life, even if they never uttered those words in the time of your entire existence.
I suppose that sometimes, the most precious messages in the world are left unsaid so as to preserve their meaning and feelings.
But I'm proud.
I'm proud to say that I've never felt more honest and sincere on the 3 occasions in which I admitted and stated how I felt.
Once, it didn't even come out as a statement but rather a admission with a accompanying sigh.
In our life. We go round. Big circles in our life and return to the starting point of our interpersonal relationships.
We evaluate these relationships and most times, we find that we return to what we started feeling for a particular person.
Love for your parents.
Fellowship and camaraderie with your friends.
The overwhelming affection and a desire to care and provide for your potential/ life partner.
The intensity of the feelings may have dampened or may have intensified.
But we return to think the best of them. The best of times that you have spent together and remember the best of that person.
We sometimes fail to see how they have disappointed or hurt us in the past because we are mostly not brave enough to grab hold of those memories and justify why we still love that person despite of everything.
Dredging up the past will make it plain to see that enough is enough.
But we never do dredge up the past. Because we cant. We cant bring ourselves to forsake a person and the beautiful memories that we hold.
We are weak.
But in emotions, we find strength.
With strength, we forgive.
With forgiveness, we give a chance.
With chance, we habour a hope.
And with hope,
We dream for a future.
I hope.
Most times I try.
Sometimes I don't.
And when I don't,
I usually find myself back where I came from.
Hoping.
Its been a long post. I don't know why, but I always do one of these posts after a holiday. I suspect that its developing into a very bad habit.
but anyway,
good night ladies and gentlemen.
I've gone through 5, 6 cigarettes (who counts?) blogging and its already 4am.
and I've got to get to my grand's at 9am.
Its time I hit the sack.
Blog soon.
I promise.
Friday, May 11, 2007
So you know, I just felt like writing alittle stuff before I leave.
Its 4am. Gonna have to get prepared soon.
I've not slept a wink. Its usually like that. I'm thinking too much into things.
Its like, I never sleep before some exciting or when I have plans that I'm looking forward too the next day.
Many times, I just end up tossing around and finally give up and get up.
This early morning is one of those days.
When I have a quiet contentment to deal with.
Well, not really quiet, just a short period of calm.
So yes, I'm going on a short trip. 5 Days.
Not sri lanka(gutted), just some island in malaysia. Tourist trap? Im not sure.
But tioman it is.
But I'm looking forward to it.
Some time to get away. Not having to pick up phone calls (thank god i dont have auto raom) which I never like picking up. (but still do pick up in the end).
Generally, I cant wait to get away from all of this for awhile.
Internet, tv and stuff.
We'll just see how a uber urbanized rat like me can cope.
I'm bringing my cameras.
I may take some photos, I may not.
Depends on my mood.
But yea, I'm looking forward to this.
Alright. Stopping now.
Gonna take a bath and get some breakfast before I leave.
Till tuesday. ciao.
Its 4am. Gonna have to get prepared soon.
I've not slept a wink. Its usually like that. I'm thinking too much into things.
Its like, I never sleep before some exciting or when I have plans that I'm looking forward too the next day.
Many times, I just end up tossing around and finally give up and get up.
This early morning is one of those days.
When I have a quiet contentment to deal with.
Well, not really quiet, just a short period of calm.
So yes, I'm going on a short trip. 5 Days.
Not sri lanka(gutted), just some island in malaysia. Tourist trap? Im not sure.
But tioman it is.
But I'm looking forward to it.
Some time to get away. Not having to pick up phone calls (thank god i dont have auto raom) which I never like picking up. (but still do pick up in the end).
Generally, I cant wait to get away from all of this for awhile.
Internet, tv and stuff.
We'll just see how a uber urbanized rat like me can cope.
I'm bringing my cameras.
I may take some photos, I may not.
Depends on my mood.
But yea, I'm looking forward to this.
Alright. Stopping now.
Gonna take a bath and get some breakfast before I leave.
Till tuesday. ciao.
Monday, May 07, 2007
im at starbucks now.
and all the jealouse winbloze users are green with envy and red with shame.
the vista machine next to me has hunged twice already.
the girl with the fujitsu is trying to hide her laptop but its impossible as she is trying to hide and use it at the same time.
my macbook is winking at all the ugly computers around.
she is saying "you dont stand a chance. ugly bitches like you? should just stay at home."
and all the jealouse winbloze users are green with envy and red with shame.
the vista machine next to me has hunged twice already.
the girl with the fujitsu is trying to hide her laptop but its impossible as she is trying to hide and use it at the same time.
my macbook is winking at all the ugly computers around.
she is saying "you dont stand a chance. ugly bitches like you? should just stay at home."
This sucks major balls.
fucking sri lankan trip got fucking cancelled.
fuck the fucking tamil tigers.
knnbccb
now we got to fucking look for an alternate destination.
fucking hell.
Supposed to be fucken brilliant come thursday now its just a fucken drag.
fucking hell.
nbcb.
i cant stop swearing.
i cant help it.
fark.
fucking sri lankan trip got fucking cancelled.
fuck the fucking tamil tigers.
knnbccb
now we got to fucking look for an alternate destination.
fucking hell.
Supposed to be fucken brilliant come thursday now its just a fucken drag.
fucking hell.
nbcb.
i cant stop swearing.
i cant help it.
fark.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
545am.
I promised chief that I'll head back today to clear up the mess that my understudy made.
So here I am, waiting for the rest of the family to get up for breakfast before I leave for camp.
Me?
I didnt sleep at all.
I spent the whole night surfing the net, watching tv and reading.
I'm craving a cigarette right now.
I finnished the pack sometime last night.
and I'm itching for a smoke.
This usually doesnt happen to me, I usually dont find myself short of cigarettes.
I'm not the sort to only buy a new pack when I finnish.
I used too, but not anymore.
I reckoned that, you know, why wait till it runs out?
I think it not only applies to the number of smokes I have in my pack, I think it applies to alot of things.
Why wait till the last minute?
Gee.
I like people who are dependable.
and people who do things last minute, or people who wait for a action before giving a reaction are usually not very dependable.
I understand that sometimes, there are things we cannot foresee and thus we cannot guard against or prevent.
But many times, I see people heading into disaters that they know are there.
Like, just there. Over there.
and yet, they go towards it.
Its erm...... hard for me to understand.
and this is the most prevalent in the organisation that Im in now.
We see a potential problem, we dont react.
We let it fester.
We only react, when the problem becomes a mistake because we have too.
Anything that can be shoved under the carpet, we shove.
IF we have to react, how do we react?
We react by pointing fingers.
Not very smart is it?
But such is the culture, that instead of heading off the potential of a problem, we let the potential become a mistake and then, instead of thinking of a solution , we decide on who to send to the head man.
This may seem unimportant.
But heh, its just the serving the nation. Nothing much really.
Serving.
My tour is coming to an end.
In my job, I cant exactly say that I served, or defended my nation.
What I did, I did in to my best capacity.
I didnt mind sacrificing my time, money and relationships.
Most of the time, i even enjoyed my work.
But very very glaringly. What did I do during my tour?
What was my job?
I cant exactly give people a concise answer.
Nor can I explain to people what my job is.
The Headman.
I think this come the closest.
No, Im not the the head of the department or anything like that.
So what does Headman mean?
Headman refers to the person who takes the head off.
and regretfully to say, for the good part of 2 years, I've decided the fate of the damned.
Some of them made mistakes while some of them were plain dumd.
Some I felt aggrieved for, some I rubbed my hands with glee when I laid my hands on the big ass chopper.
Im not a better person or a worse person for this.
I've learnt some stuff. I've developed some habits.
yes, this 2 years has done something for me.
But sometimes, i find it a pity.
I didnt serve the country nor defend the nation.
I cant exactly say that Ive played my part.
I didnt really exactly do those things.
If you ask me what I did.
and if I was to be perfectly and honestly brutual.
I would say.
"Erm, lets just say that Im not the person you wanted to see anywhere in camp. Where you see me, trouble will absolutely be certain to follow."
thats it, breakfast is almost ready.
I can hear the eggs sizziling in the hot pan.
Time for some breakfast before I get my hands dirty.
and the question in my head for the next few hours would be.
"How many days does this soldier deserve?"
I promised chief that I'll head back today to clear up the mess that my understudy made.
So here I am, waiting for the rest of the family to get up for breakfast before I leave for camp.
Me?
I didnt sleep at all.
I spent the whole night surfing the net, watching tv and reading.
I'm craving a cigarette right now.
I finnished the pack sometime last night.
and I'm itching for a smoke.
This usually doesnt happen to me, I usually dont find myself short of cigarettes.
I'm not the sort to only buy a new pack when I finnish.
I used too, but not anymore.
I reckoned that, you know, why wait till it runs out?
I think it not only applies to the number of smokes I have in my pack, I think it applies to alot of things.
Why wait till the last minute?
Gee.
I like people who are dependable.
and people who do things last minute, or people who wait for a action before giving a reaction are usually not very dependable.
I understand that sometimes, there are things we cannot foresee and thus we cannot guard against or prevent.
But many times, I see people heading into disaters that they know are there.
Like, just there. Over there.
and yet, they go towards it.
Its erm...... hard for me to understand.
and this is the most prevalent in the organisation that Im in now.
We see a potential problem, we dont react.
We let it fester.
We only react, when the problem becomes a mistake because we have too.
Anything that can be shoved under the carpet, we shove.
IF we have to react, how do we react?
We react by pointing fingers.
Not very smart is it?
But such is the culture, that instead of heading off the potential of a problem, we let the potential become a mistake and then, instead of thinking of a solution , we decide on who to send to the head man.
This may seem unimportant.
But heh, its just the serving the nation. Nothing much really.
Serving.
My tour is coming to an end.
In my job, I cant exactly say that I served, or defended my nation.
What I did, I did in to my best capacity.
I didnt mind sacrificing my time, money and relationships.
Most of the time, i even enjoyed my work.
But very very glaringly. What did I do during my tour?
What was my job?
I cant exactly give people a concise answer.
Nor can I explain to people what my job is.
The Headman.
I think this come the closest.
No, Im not the the head of the department or anything like that.
So what does Headman mean?
Headman refers to the person who takes the head off.
and regretfully to say, for the good part of 2 years, I've decided the fate of the damned.
Some of them made mistakes while some of them were plain dumd.
Some I felt aggrieved for, some I rubbed my hands with glee when I laid my hands on the big ass chopper.
Im not a better person or a worse person for this.
I've learnt some stuff. I've developed some habits.
yes, this 2 years has done something for me.
But sometimes, i find it a pity.
I didnt serve the country nor defend the nation.
I cant exactly say that Ive played my part.
I didnt really exactly do those things.
If you ask me what I did.
and if I was to be perfectly and honestly brutual.
I would say.
"Erm, lets just say that Im not the person you wanted to see anywhere in camp. Where you see me, trouble will absolutely be certain to follow."
thats it, breakfast is almost ready.
I can hear the eggs sizziling in the hot pan.
Time for some breakfast before I get my hands dirty.
and the question in my head for the next few hours would be.
"How many days does this soldier deserve?"
Monday, April 16, 2007
Why havent I been blogging?
I should have been actually.
I'm clearing leave.
I've got loads of time.
I've had alot of time to develop some interesting ideas.
so why havent I been blogging regulary like I managed to do so even with being bogged down with work?
I dont know actually.
But perhaps, since my days are spent at my leisure, I dont seem to find the need to blog at night. And I think its a good thing.
I use to blog after work and talk about my crappy day or how irritated I am with things around me.
Its a place for me to vent after a long day at work. Thus, I'll be the first to admit that the posts do have a certain whinny quality to it.
And I also know that its a drag to read. Believe me, its even a drag to write, so I can only imagine how much my dear friends suffer at reading what I have wrote.
Oh well, I'm trying to change my blogging habits.
I may not blog as frequently but at the same time, i'll try not to whine as much.
I've been watching alot of movies during the past 2 months. Some with friends, but mostly alone. I like watching movies alone, it leaves the mind empty to concentrate on the movie and it leaves the mouth empty for coke and maybe some chips when I'm in the mood. If only they'd allow smoking in the cinemas, then it'd be perfect.
The movie doesnt try to engage in mindless chatter with me.
The movie doesnt judge me.
The movie doesnt care.
The movie just trys to entertain me.
I like that, its emotionally detached.
its one way.
and all the good is only coming my way.
I dont give anything to the movie.
well, except maybe 9 bucks.
Movies that I caught from feb to today.
1) Paris, je'taime (krap, it does have natalie portman innit.)
2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (awesome, I almost cried.)
3) The Pursuit of Happiness. ( draggy. But passable.)
4) Music & Lyrics (gay. but alright.)
6) 300 (Gory. Pretty but brainless.)
7) Path Finder (Retarded. REALLY retarded.)
8) Shooter (Good stuff if you like guns.)
9) Sunshine (I'd say the best of the lot.)
Thats 9 movies and I think I missed a couple.
and I intend to catch more.
"Smokin Aces", "Wild Hogs" and "Breaking and Entering"
In addition to watching movies, I've been playing video games =]
From feb to now, I've got 3 new games to play with.
Ghost Recon Advance Warfighter 2 (Good stuff!)
Tony Hawk Project 8 (pretty good.) and
Fifa 07 (crap)
Video games are great.
I'm not explaining why video games are great.
I've posted something about this topic a couple of months back. So now, I'm not gonna repeat themes.
I've been reading like a mad man as well.
Within this 2 months, I've finnished re-reading 13 books.
Some new reads, some re-reads. Some good, some not so good and some just disgusting.
Regarding books, sometime last month (i cant remember exactly the date or anything) I headed out to town intending to buying something at funan (cant remember what) but i forgot to put a novel in my bag.
I only discovered that I'd left home without something to read when I was done at funan and heading towards starbucks.
So I decided to get something at MPH.
I walked in, looked about and decided to settle for this book by some dude called Dean Koontz or something along those lines.
I got it because there was an entire shelf level devoted to his books and all those words that sell books. (NEWYORK BEST SELLER! BEST THRILLER THIS YEAR! and the like bullshit.)
So I thought, it CANT be that bad.
i finnished the book within 2 days.
and I felt that its probably the worsts 17 dollars Ive spent in a long time.
Plot. Its alright. Would make a good movie.
My main grouse? or rather, observation?
Books are no longer beautifully written.
I call modern books, the blockbuster kinds.
What do I mean by a blockbuster book?
Firstly, it has a plot. or semi semblence of a plot.
The plot moves along very very quickly.
Making sure you want to read the next chapter as soon as possible.
It tries to make you rip thru the pages devouring violence, sex and impossibly bland characters.
Its all very Dan Brown-ish.
I'm sure most of you have read a Dan Brown book.
Whether its the accalimed Da Vinci Code or the best selling Angels and Demons.
But have you read "Remains of The Day" by Kazuo Ishiguro?
What about "The Shadow of the Wind? by Carlos Ruiz Zafon?
"A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby?
If you have read these books as well as the blockbuster books.
I'm sure that you'll notice something.
Langauge.
if you havent, I suggest you go to your usual bookstore and get em.
"Remains of the Day" has no gripping plot. Its not a book that constantly needs you to flip the page. But why is it so good?
Simple.
Because its so beatifully written. How can a book about a english butler be even mildy interesting? Its not, but what it is, is that its absolutely captures the soul of a different place at a different time.
Where the words are able to bring you to a different place and almost exprience what the characters in the books are expriencing.
There is nothing, really, in this world can be better than sitting, reading a book like this and just reveling in the story telling.
Speaking about characters. I seldom find great characters in blockbuster books. I cant even remember the name of the protaganist in the dean-somethings book.
But I do remember every single of the 4 characters in Hornby's "A Long Way Down"
It isnt a long book. But what it had, was characters with such depth, that you feel what they feel, you empathise what they are going thru and you are happy for them when they pull thru whatever struggles they encounter.
and this depth of character, was convened thru brilliant writing and not plot.
Books like that wont make you turn pages.
Books like that make you re-read the paragraph that you just read. They make you wonder how is it possible that brilliance like that, could possibly be recorded and written down on paper.
These books, they dont let you forget.
The one important thing.
Why you loved reading in the first place.
Its not about the plot.
Its not about the character.
If these were the 2 most important things, then the TV would be a better median that a book.
What a book has, that the vulgar tv doesnt.
is beauty of the language.
and I feel very sorry, that the raving reviews of books that I've heard from peers or the media usually got to do with these block buster bullshits.
Have we forgotten what a book is?
Its a idea penned.
Its a emotion penned.
its not just another median to promote violence, sex and whatever new superfulous plots that a writer can think of.
Blockbuster books, dont evoke emotions. They arnt beautiful. They are just thrilling.
and like the end of every thrill, you get a sinking, empty feeling right after you finnish.
Thrills arnt satisfying after you are thrilled. They leave you drained.
Proper books, leaves you satisfied and gives you fufillment.
In our present times of ever expanding salaries and material needs.
I just hope that we dont forget about the simple things that fufill and enrich.
I know I wont, because I've known what a good book is and what great books are.
They are more than television, movies, internet and porn.
Special. They are special.
can you say Hole-Gah?
Got the 2 rolls that I sent for developing back.
Cost me a pretty penny.
But I like what I got. I thought them to be quite good and am pleased.
So pleased, that i got more film to screw around with.
hah, will upload them once I manage to scan the images.
JP's 22nd
We had dinner at Fig & Olive.
We went to JP's place to drink.
We all ended up very drunk and pretty happy.
Till some of them starting pthrowing up.
I didnt =]
Just a pounding headache the day after. Its been such a long time since I drank so much. but still a far cry from the Pierside days. Which I regret. Ive done some pretty daft things while drunk, but thats all in the past and I guess we are all better for it.
Sri Lanka.
Tickets. Check.
Accomodation. Check.
Itinary. Check.
3 Mad fellas. Check.
Pack List SAF style. Check.
Oh yes, we are just waiting for the 11th of May. Prepare for adventure.
Operationally Ready Date.
2nd of june. Todays the 16th of april.
about 6 weeks left.
At last. At long fucking last.
University.
Place confirmed.
Fees paid.
Visa done.
Wella, Vincent, Tyron and sumo the labrador waiting for me.
Will probably be leaving on the 1st week of july.
Its all very exciting.
the only problem I have now is getting a computer.
Komputer Pains =[ so very painful.
Its difficult to get a new computer.
I get the distinct feeling that everysales man I meet wants to cheat my money.
its fustrating and i've decided to buy a computer from the 1st honest sales man that I meet.
there are so many models to choose from and so many cheating salesman to negotiate.
Its tough, its more taxing than getting a wife. Its crazy.
Narrowed down to 2 models.
Now, its a shoot out between a MacBook and a Sony Vaio C series.
What I like about the macbook.
pretty as fark.
OS tiger seems to be quite user friendly and screams cool.
Think its pretty stable. more stable then vista anyway.
1 year international warranty, APP also international.
What I dont like about macbook
I asked the sales man to show me if the macbook could do simple photo editing like adding borders and text to a image.
He cant do it on iphoto.
ask me to get adobe. :a-rolleye
(however, if anyone is able to do it, please let me know, the salesman, other than trying to cheat my monehs, may not know his stuff quite well. but sigh, i did ask at a VERY reputable sales outlet.)
I ask the sales man to show me how ms office runs on macbook.
It took forever to start up. i attribute it to ms office not being UB.
and besides, new ms office for mac coming out end of the year where it will be UB.
Its pretty. BUT, its white, glossy and i think it doesnt look that tough at all. I'm pretty careful with my stuff, but i somehow dont feel confident with this machine withstanding the rigours of commuting.
Even tho alot have been said about the software in the macbook, i dont find anything that really entices me.
not being able to add borders or text really baffles me. even ms paint can do it.
and software like iwork and appleaperture (1000 dollars) is bloody expensive.
I currently use photofilter on my xp but i dont think it'll work on the mac. the website didnt state that it can. so im pretty sure that it cant.
Keyboard is bullshit.
Leopard in oct. dont want to spend more on SW.
Accersory prices are nuts. WMM, Apple keyboard. gross.
bottomline: looks very pretty. warranty is good stuff but many things to dislike.
Sony Vaio C 22
1999 at HN. Free 1 gb ram bump, free sony slip case(v.pwetti) AND FREE MS OFFICE 04!
What I like about the Vaio.
Bloody thing is sexay.
Comes in black with coloured accents! and dont have to pay 300 more!
Full, or rather 80% magnesium case. Uber tough, i dont think the case itself is scratchable, unless you handle stuff like a troll. I like. and i believe magnesium dissipates heat better?
Adobe elements bundled. no more free ware for me :p
Light or lighter than the macbook anyway. 2.31kilos.
drive can write dvds. superdrive on the macbook 1.8ghz cant.
winbloze machine, many freeware, many things like my MS smart phone (n80 is gone. happier for it, tho wasnt so happy in the beginning, but it all worked out pretty well. Love my dopod now.) , ipod and XBOX 360 will work seemlessly with a winblows machine.
(If i get the macbook, gotta reformat my ipod. urgh.)
What I dont like about the Vaio
Shitty aftersales service (hear say)
1 year LOCAL warranty only. Need to add $99 for 1 year international. what bollllocccckkkkkks
I ask the saleslady to unlock the computer to give me a go.
Once she logged on, some error msgS popped up. :confused:
Even she didnt know what to do.
As per normal, ignoring all the alarms blaring, she just clicked on the X at the top right hand corner.
Not exactly giving me confidence.
winbloze ah winbloze. haiz. (vista, what shit what shit?!?!?!!?)
Read too many articles online about vista, would wait for SP1 if possible but it aint.
no webcam. (not really that big an issue)
Im not too convinced with the free 1gb ram bump. Since all the retailers ive looked offered the same thing, i drew the conclusion that for vista to run anywhere near passable, you need at least 1gb ram. All those talk about it being able to be runned at 512ram for vista home, i think its only tolerable if you are as slow as a 90 year old geriatic.
pui.
keyboard is horse shite.
Sony got many many many useless software bundled. will slow system down. cant screw around and del em as apparantly it'll screw up some drivers.
bottom line: i like this. the quirks i think i can live with. vista problems should be much better by SP1. Speedwise, i'll just go SLS and get some ram. would just be slightly more expensive than the macbook.
At the moment, I'm really leaning in favour of the vaio. I'd give it more thought before I make my purchase.
I know some of the terms are abit technical and trust me its as baffling to me as to you. But I try to make cowsense of them and I think i'll try to make the most informed decision before I go ahead with my purchase.
woah. Its 4am.
What am I going to do later in the day?
I dont know actually.
and I like this feeling of not knowing how I am going to spend my day.
it does show plenty of promise. Maybe I'll catch smokin aces. yes, maybe I will.
But then again, my plans change with the wind. I guess I'll just see what direction the wind is blowing.
I'll sign off here.
Its a bitch to read such a long entry, but well, its my choice to write and yours to read.
So we cant possibly blame anyone can we?
I should have been actually.
I'm clearing leave.
I've got loads of time.
I've had alot of time to develop some interesting ideas.
so why havent I been blogging regulary like I managed to do so even with being bogged down with work?
I dont know actually.
But perhaps, since my days are spent at my leisure, I dont seem to find the need to blog at night. And I think its a good thing.
I use to blog after work and talk about my crappy day or how irritated I am with things around me.
Its a place for me to vent after a long day at work. Thus, I'll be the first to admit that the posts do have a certain whinny quality to it.
And I also know that its a drag to read. Believe me, its even a drag to write, so I can only imagine how much my dear friends suffer at reading what I have wrote.
Oh well, I'm trying to change my blogging habits.
I may not blog as frequently but at the same time, i'll try not to whine as much.
I've been watching alot of movies during the past 2 months. Some with friends, but mostly alone. I like watching movies alone, it leaves the mind empty to concentrate on the movie and it leaves the mouth empty for coke and maybe some chips when I'm in the mood. If only they'd allow smoking in the cinemas, then it'd be perfect.
The movie doesnt try to engage in mindless chatter with me.
The movie doesnt judge me.
The movie doesnt care.
The movie just trys to entertain me.
I like that, its emotionally detached.
its one way.
and all the good is only coming my way.
I dont give anything to the movie.
well, except maybe 9 bucks.
Movies that I caught from feb to today.
1) Paris, je'taime (krap, it does have natalie portman innit.)
2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (awesome, I almost cried.)
3) The Pursuit of Happiness. ( draggy. But passable.)
4) Music & Lyrics (gay. but alright.)
6) 300 (Gory. Pretty but brainless.)
7) Path Finder (Retarded. REALLY retarded.)
8) Shooter (Good stuff if you like guns.)
9) Sunshine (I'd say the best of the lot.)
Thats 9 movies and I think I missed a couple.
and I intend to catch more.
"Smokin Aces", "Wild Hogs" and "Breaking and Entering"
In addition to watching movies, I've been playing video games =]
From feb to now, I've got 3 new games to play with.
Ghost Recon Advance Warfighter 2 (Good stuff!)
Tony Hawk Project 8 (pretty good.) and
Fifa 07 (crap)
Video games are great.
I'm not explaining why video games are great.
I've posted something about this topic a couple of months back. So now, I'm not gonna repeat themes.
I've been reading like a mad man as well.
Within this 2 months, I've finnished re-reading 13 books.
Some new reads, some re-reads. Some good, some not so good and some just disgusting.
Regarding books, sometime last month (i cant remember exactly the date or anything) I headed out to town intending to buying something at funan (cant remember what) but i forgot to put a novel in my bag.
I only discovered that I'd left home without something to read when I was done at funan and heading towards starbucks.
So I decided to get something at MPH.
I walked in, looked about and decided to settle for this book by some dude called Dean Koontz or something along those lines.
I got it because there was an entire shelf level devoted to his books and all those words that sell books. (NEWYORK BEST SELLER! BEST THRILLER THIS YEAR! and the like bullshit.)
So I thought, it CANT be that bad.
i finnished the book within 2 days.
and I felt that its probably the worsts 17 dollars Ive spent in a long time.
Plot. Its alright. Would make a good movie.
My main grouse? or rather, observation?
Books are no longer beautifully written.
I call modern books, the blockbuster kinds.
What do I mean by a blockbuster book?
Firstly, it has a plot. or semi semblence of a plot.
The plot moves along very very quickly.
Making sure you want to read the next chapter as soon as possible.
It tries to make you rip thru the pages devouring violence, sex and impossibly bland characters.
Its all very Dan Brown-ish.
I'm sure most of you have read a Dan Brown book.
Whether its the accalimed Da Vinci Code or the best selling Angels and Demons.
But have you read "Remains of The Day" by Kazuo Ishiguro?
What about "The Shadow of the Wind? by Carlos Ruiz Zafon?
"A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby?
If you have read these books as well as the blockbuster books.
I'm sure that you'll notice something.
Langauge.
if you havent, I suggest you go to your usual bookstore and get em.
"Remains of the Day" has no gripping plot. Its not a book that constantly needs you to flip the page. But why is it so good?
Simple.
Because its so beatifully written. How can a book about a english butler be even mildy interesting? Its not, but what it is, is that its absolutely captures the soul of a different place at a different time.
Where the words are able to bring you to a different place and almost exprience what the characters in the books are expriencing.
There is nothing, really, in this world can be better than sitting, reading a book like this and just reveling in the story telling.
Speaking about characters. I seldom find great characters in blockbuster books. I cant even remember the name of the protaganist in the dean-somethings book.
But I do remember every single of the 4 characters in Hornby's "A Long Way Down"
It isnt a long book. But what it had, was characters with such depth, that you feel what they feel, you empathise what they are going thru and you are happy for them when they pull thru whatever struggles they encounter.
and this depth of character, was convened thru brilliant writing and not plot.
Books like that wont make you turn pages.
Books like that make you re-read the paragraph that you just read. They make you wonder how is it possible that brilliance like that, could possibly be recorded and written down on paper.
These books, they dont let you forget.
The one important thing.
Why you loved reading in the first place.
Its not about the plot.
Its not about the character.
If these were the 2 most important things, then the TV would be a better median that a book.
What a book has, that the vulgar tv doesnt.
is beauty of the language.
and I feel very sorry, that the raving reviews of books that I've heard from peers or the media usually got to do with these block buster bullshits.
Have we forgotten what a book is?
Its a idea penned.
Its a emotion penned.
its not just another median to promote violence, sex and whatever new superfulous plots that a writer can think of.
Blockbuster books, dont evoke emotions. They arnt beautiful. They are just thrilling.
and like the end of every thrill, you get a sinking, empty feeling right after you finnish.
Thrills arnt satisfying after you are thrilled. They leave you drained.
Proper books, leaves you satisfied and gives you fufillment.
In our present times of ever expanding salaries and material needs.
I just hope that we dont forget about the simple things that fufill and enrich.
I know I wont, because I've known what a good book is and what great books are.
They are more than television, movies, internet and porn.
Special. They are special.
can you say Hole-Gah?
Got the 2 rolls that I sent for developing back.
Cost me a pretty penny.
But I like what I got. I thought them to be quite good and am pleased.
So pleased, that i got more film to screw around with.
hah, will upload them once I manage to scan the images.
JP's 22nd
We had dinner at Fig & Olive.
We went to JP's place to drink.
We all ended up very drunk and pretty happy.
Till some of them starting pthrowing up.
I didnt =]
Just a pounding headache the day after. Its been such a long time since I drank so much. but still a far cry from the Pierside days. Which I regret. Ive done some pretty daft things while drunk, but thats all in the past and I guess we are all better for it.
Sri Lanka.
Tickets. Check.
Accomodation. Check.
Itinary. Check.
3 Mad fellas. Check.
Pack List SAF style. Check.
Oh yes, we are just waiting for the 11th of May. Prepare for adventure.
Operationally Ready Date.
2nd of june. Todays the 16th of april.
about 6 weeks left.
At last. At long fucking last.
University.
Place confirmed.
Fees paid.
Visa done.
Wella, Vincent, Tyron and sumo the labrador waiting for me.
Will probably be leaving on the 1st week of july.
Its all very exciting.
the only problem I have now is getting a computer.
Komputer Pains =[ so very painful.
Its difficult to get a new computer.
I get the distinct feeling that everysales man I meet wants to cheat my money.
its fustrating and i've decided to buy a computer from the 1st honest sales man that I meet.
there are so many models to choose from and so many cheating salesman to negotiate.
Its tough, its more taxing than getting a wife. Its crazy.
Narrowed down to 2 models.
Now, its a shoot out between a MacBook and a Sony Vaio C series.
What I like about the macbook.
pretty as fark.
OS tiger seems to be quite user friendly and screams cool.
Think its pretty stable. more stable then vista anyway.
1 year international warranty, APP also international.
What I dont like about macbook
I asked the sales man to show me if the macbook could do simple photo editing like adding borders and text to a image.
He cant do it on iphoto.
ask me to get adobe. :a-rolleye
(however, if anyone is able to do it, please let me know, the salesman, other than trying to cheat my monehs, may not know his stuff quite well. but sigh, i did ask at a VERY reputable sales outlet.)
I ask the sales man to show me how ms office runs on macbook.
It took forever to start up. i attribute it to ms office not being UB.
and besides, new ms office for mac coming out end of the year where it will be UB.
Its pretty. BUT, its white, glossy and i think it doesnt look that tough at all. I'm pretty careful with my stuff, but i somehow dont feel confident with this machine withstanding the rigours of commuting.
Even tho alot have been said about the software in the macbook, i dont find anything that really entices me.
not being able to add borders or text really baffles me. even ms paint can do it.
and software like iwork and appleaperture (1000 dollars) is bloody expensive.
I currently use photofilter on my xp but i dont think it'll work on the mac. the website didnt state that it can. so im pretty sure that it cant.
Keyboard is bullshit.
Leopard in oct. dont want to spend more on SW.
Accersory prices are nuts. WMM, Apple keyboard. gross.
bottomline: looks very pretty. warranty is good stuff but many things to dislike.
Sony Vaio C 22
1999 at HN. Free 1 gb ram bump, free sony slip case(v.pwetti) AND FREE MS OFFICE 04!
What I like about the Vaio.
Bloody thing is sexay.
Comes in black with coloured accents! and dont have to pay 300 more!
Full, or rather 80% magnesium case. Uber tough, i dont think the case itself is scratchable, unless you handle stuff like a troll. I like. and i believe magnesium dissipates heat better?
Adobe elements bundled. no more free ware for me :p
Light or lighter than the macbook anyway. 2.31kilos.
drive can write dvds. superdrive on the macbook 1.8ghz cant.
winbloze machine, many freeware, many things like my MS smart phone (n80 is gone. happier for it, tho wasnt so happy in the beginning, but it all worked out pretty well. Love my dopod now.) , ipod and XBOX 360 will work seemlessly with a winblows machine.
(If i get the macbook, gotta reformat my ipod. urgh.)
What I dont like about the Vaio
Shitty aftersales service (hear say)
1 year LOCAL warranty only. Need to add $99 for 1 year international. what bollllocccckkkkkks
I ask the saleslady to unlock the computer to give me a go.
Once she logged on, some error msgS popped up. :confused:
Even she didnt know what to do.
As per normal, ignoring all the alarms blaring, she just clicked on the X at the top right hand corner.
Not exactly giving me confidence.
winbloze ah winbloze. haiz. (vista, what shit what shit?!?!?!!?)
Read too many articles online about vista, would wait for SP1 if possible but it aint.
no webcam. (not really that big an issue)
Im not too convinced with the free 1gb ram bump. Since all the retailers ive looked offered the same thing, i drew the conclusion that for vista to run anywhere near passable, you need at least 1gb ram. All those talk about it being able to be runned at 512ram for vista home, i think its only tolerable if you are as slow as a 90 year old geriatic.
pui.
keyboard is horse shite.
Sony got many many many useless software bundled. will slow system down. cant screw around and del em as apparantly it'll screw up some drivers.
bottom line: i like this. the quirks i think i can live with. vista problems should be much better by SP1. Speedwise, i'll just go SLS and get some ram. would just be slightly more expensive than the macbook.
At the moment, I'm really leaning in favour of the vaio. I'd give it more thought before I make my purchase.
I know some of the terms are abit technical and trust me its as baffling to me as to you. But I try to make cowsense of them and I think i'll try to make the most informed decision before I go ahead with my purchase.
woah. Its 4am.
What am I going to do later in the day?
I dont know actually.
and I like this feeling of not knowing how I am going to spend my day.
it does show plenty of promise. Maybe I'll catch smokin aces. yes, maybe I will.
But then again, my plans change with the wind. I guess I'll just see what direction the wind is blowing.
I'll sign off here.
Its a bitch to read such a long entry, but well, its my choice to write and yours to read.
So we cant possibly blame anyone can we?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Its not a good day.
It started out ok.
It was almost quite good by evening.
and it took a down turn come late evening.
and it became absolute bollocks late at night.
all in all, its been quite a fucked up day.
and if anything momentus happened today, i dropped Podie.
For the first time in more than 2 years. I dropped my iPod.
wtf.
but at least it still works.
pardon me.
i just need to vent.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
i want to have a better day tomorro and I shall make it better for myself.
It started out ok.
It was almost quite good by evening.
and it took a down turn come late evening.
and it became absolute bollocks late at night.
all in all, its been quite a fucked up day.
and if anything momentus happened today, i dropped Podie.
For the first time in more than 2 years. I dropped my iPod.
wtf.
but at least it still works.
pardon me.
i just need to vent.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
i want to have a better day tomorro and I shall make it better for myself.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Really. Its your fault.
its 1:30am.
and,
im still wrecking my brains thinking of the 3 photos that I'll have to send in.
So really, its your fault!
p.s or maybe its just because i miss you...i think... sort of. maybe. heh.
to the rest of my readers, if any of you exists at all.
Its been a long time since I last blogged.
But oh well, things happen and many things have happened during this little sojourn from this scene.
To be honest, Ive got many things to blog about.
So much so, that I dont know where to start.
but in anycase, the tickets to sri lanka has been booked.
11th may. FN, LU, Prepare for glory!
i mean.. erm, hmm.
PREPARE FOR HOLIDAY!
muahahha.
Now that its booked, its no longer a pipe dream.
ITS REALITY.
its 1:30am.
and,
im still wrecking my brains thinking of the 3 photos that I'll have to send in.
So really, its your fault!
p.s or maybe its just because i miss you...i think... sort of. maybe. heh.
to the rest of my readers, if any of you exists at all.
Its been a long time since I last blogged.
But oh well, things happen and many things have happened during this little sojourn from this scene.
To be honest, Ive got many things to blog about.
So much so, that I dont know where to start.
but in anycase, the tickets to sri lanka has been booked.
11th may. FN, LU, Prepare for glory!
i mean.. erm, hmm.
PREPARE FOR HOLIDAY!
muahahha.
Now that its booked, its no longer a pipe dream.
ITS REALITY.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
poignant.
Friday.
Had coffee with luqman at the coffee place just below my block.
We talked aplenty.
Smoke alpenty.
I told him quite abit of stuff that has happened.
and he asked me afew pointed questions.
They placed new things to think about in my mind.
I dont feel comfortable with what is going to happen.
Thereafter, I went for my lunch in town and a walk about.
Decided to print photos.
Dont ask me how I did it, the bill came up to 30 odd dollars.
Well, I guess printing 5R photos got something to do with it.
the best part is, I forgot to ask the lady at the shop to placed the borders in.
So my photos came out without borders.
Photos without borders is something that I dislike for a reason even unknown to me.
They just dont feel the same with a proper frame.
Then it was a short walk down to starfucks.
Double.
No triple for me. I didnt feel the need for it.
But well, the barrista did.
He did ask me if i needed a triple.
I dont know.
My face these days, do they look like they need a triple?
are things that bad?
Hmm, I dont think so.
We make things to be how bad or how good they are.
I dont think its the other way round.
I had my drink.
Smoked a couple of sticks.
well, more than a couple, but thats hardly the point.
Looked at the photos I just printed.
But I was just too wasted to put the photos into my lil black book.
I'm currently re-reading Shadow of The Wind.
Its striking a deeper chord this time round, I'm not exactly sure why, but it just is.
Around 5. I decided that I had enough, so I left.
Not having a place to go and having had my fill of caffine and nicotine,
Somehow, I just found myself at home within the next half hour or so.
Today.
Well, i woked up quite late.
No thanks to reading the novel late into the night.
Had lunch at home.
There wasnt anyone at home.
No questions to ask.
No unnecessary chatter.
It was a comfortable silence.
and I was grateful for it.
My family are in a chatty mood these 2 days.
No little thanks to my 2 brothers.
Yi Ci got 3 As at the Os.
he aced his english 2, lit 1 and geograhpy 1.
So my parents are very happy.
and the little fucker actually credited his A in english and lit to me.
i wasnt particulary touched.
why?
because i fucking saw this coming.
I was the one who inculcated his implusive need to read.
I know which books he reads and when he was younger, I decided what was good for him to read.
Yi En won the inter JC band competition, supernova, so he is all smiles.
I showed my parents the letter that I got.
i didnt feel like it, it just came out when they were again berating me on my working hours and asking what i got out of it in the end. i didnt have a choice, so i just left the letter on the dinning table yesterday evening...
but the plan sorta back fired, now more than ever, they are insisting they pick up where I left off.
I havent told many people on what my parents want me to do, with their veiled threats and what not.
But if you are one of those who know, it just means something doesnt it?
My dad bought a ceiling fan.
So the better part of the afternoon was spent fixing the ceiling fan.
Dont ask me why my parents didnt get the shop to fix the fan, I guess they just have a fetish for DIY, of cos, when they are not the ones drilling fucking holes in the ceiling.
But in anycase, I was glad for the distraction it afforded me.
Dinner at al majlis with fn and lu.
Lu just came back from new zealand with the artillery boys, so we had plenty to talk about.
I showed them the photos that I printed.
We also planned alittle on our sri lankan trip.
Yes, dinner was good.
The food, as per normal was up to standards and the company more so.
and I finnished everything infront of me.
Well done I say.
My love for the captured picture.
Yes. They are strong visual cues.
They bring you back to that moment when you snapped it.
You think about the events preceding the photo and after the photo was taken.
You wreck your brains to remember, finger in your mouth between your teeth, if that was what really happened.
You decide again, in that moment, if truly, you remember what you felt.
But for all the beauty in a well taken photograph.
They are lacking.
The smell, the touch, the sensations of that time.
This is something that a photograph cannot and will not replicate.
Will you rather look at a photograph of something or would you rather look at that person with your own eyes?
Will you rather salivate over a picture of your favourite dish, or would you rather dig into it with feavour?
When you hold a photograph with a loved one in it, wont you rather swap it with the real person to be sitting next to you? Holding their hands instead of holding the picture.
Sometimes, very glaringly, I realise the limitations of the photo.
But other than that, sometimes, I'm extremely grateful for them being able to remind me of whats truly important in my life and transport me back, even if its for a fleeting moment, to that moment where I tried to capture that essence.
I realised long ago, that to truly feel for a picture, one must live in it, be there when it happened and seen it unfold with their own eyes.
if not, the photograph will cease to have its meaning. What it will be, is just another picture to another person.
The beauty may be easily seen, but the underlying reasons and the complicated factors that gave rise to the photo will be missed if not thought about.
So try, whenever you are looking at a photo.
Reminisence of that time.
Remember the good and keep in mind the bad.
and I hope, that for you all, photos will bear the same meaning as they do to me.
Photography is an art, but its also an emotion.
Its something that one does out of passion.
Its something one does out of love for another.
and sometimes, it can even affect the masses in a way that no other medium can.
It can show your friends the beauty that you see.
It can show others the love that you give.
A picture paints a thousand words.
but more importantly, a picture, can evoke the best or the worst in emotions.
Continue taking photos.
If anything, I'm just happy to know, that in my heart, you are doing something that I stand for, love and approve with my soul.
There are alot of things that I do not know.
Will I continue playing computer games 20 years from now?
Will I smoke 10 sticks a day 10 years from now?
Will I love the same people that I love now in the future?
While there are alot of things that I'm unsure of in the future.
I'm glad that at least I know for sure that a couple of things will not change.
I will be taking photos to the day I die.
Why?
Because more than anything, I love capturing the essence in things I love, in times I love and most importantly, of people that I love.
Its really that simple.
Its not hard to see.
and to see, is not something that the common person does nowadays.
Because in my opinion, we fail to see the most important things in life.
Which leads me to think, that common sense, isnt so common nowadays afterall.
What we want, most of the times, may not necessary be what we need.
Friday.
Had coffee with luqman at the coffee place just below my block.
We talked aplenty.
Smoke alpenty.
I told him quite abit of stuff that has happened.
and he asked me afew pointed questions.
They placed new things to think about in my mind.
I dont feel comfortable with what is going to happen.
Thereafter, I went for my lunch in town and a walk about.
Decided to print photos.
Dont ask me how I did it, the bill came up to 30 odd dollars.
Well, I guess printing 5R photos got something to do with it.
the best part is, I forgot to ask the lady at the shop to placed the borders in.
So my photos came out without borders.
Photos without borders is something that I dislike for a reason even unknown to me.
They just dont feel the same with a proper frame.
Then it was a short walk down to starfucks.
Double.
No triple for me. I didnt feel the need for it.
But well, the barrista did.
He did ask me if i needed a triple.
I dont know.
My face these days, do they look like they need a triple?
are things that bad?
Hmm, I dont think so.
We make things to be how bad or how good they are.
I dont think its the other way round.
I had my drink.
Smoked a couple of sticks.
well, more than a couple, but thats hardly the point.
Looked at the photos I just printed.
But I was just too wasted to put the photos into my lil black book.
I'm currently re-reading Shadow of The Wind.
Its striking a deeper chord this time round, I'm not exactly sure why, but it just is.
Around 5. I decided that I had enough, so I left.
Not having a place to go and having had my fill of caffine and nicotine,
Somehow, I just found myself at home within the next half hour or so.
Today.
Well, i woked up quite late.
No thanks to reading the novel late into the night.
Had lunch at home.
There wasnt anyone at home.
No questions to ask.
No unnecessary chatter.
It was a comfortable silence.
and I was grateful for it.
My family are in a chatty mood these 2 days.
No little thanks to my 2 brothers.
Yi Ci got 3 As at the Os.
he aced his english 2, lit 1 and geograhpy 1.
So my parents are very happy.
and the little fucker actually credited his A in english and lit to me.
i wasnt particulary touched.
why?
because i fucking saw this coming.
I was the one who inculcated his implusive need to read.
I know which books he reads and when he was younger, I decided what was good for him to read.
Yi En won the inter JC band competition, supernova, so he is all smiles.
I showed my parents the letter that I got.
i didnt feel like it, it just came out when they were again berating me on my working hours and asking what i got out of it in the end. i didnt have a choice, so i just left the letter on the dinning table yesterday evening...
but the plan sorta back fired, now more than ever, they are insisting they pick up where I left off.
I havent told many people on what my parents want me to do, with their veiled threats and what not.
But if you are one of those who know, it just means something doesnt it?
My dad bought a ceiling fan.
So the better part of the afternoon was spent fixing the ceiling fan.
Dont ask me why my parents didnt get the shop to fix the fan, I guess they just have a fetish for DIY, of cos, when they are not the ones drilling fucking holes in the ceiling.
But in anycase, I was glad for the distraction it afforded me.
Dinner at al majlis with fn and lu.
Lu just came back from new zealand with the artillery boys, so we had plenty to talk about.
I showed them the photos that I printed.
We also planned alittle on our sri lankan trip.
Yes, dinner was good.
The food, as per normal was up to standards and the company more so.
and I finnished everything infront of me.
Well done I say.
My love for the captured picture.
Yes. They are strong visual cues.
They bring you back to that moment when you snapped it.
You think about the events preceding the photo and after the photo was taken.
You wreck your brains to remember, finger in your mouth between your teeth, if that was what really happened.
You decide again, in that moment, if truly, you remember what you felt.
But for all the beauty in a well taken photograph.
They are lacking.
The smell, the touch, the sensations of that time.
This is something that a photograph cannot and will not replicate.
Will you rather look at a photograph of something or would you rather look at that person with your own eyes?
Will you rather salivate over a picture of your favourite dish, or would you rather dig into it with feavour?
When you hold a photograph with a loved one in it, wont you rather swap it with the real person to be sitting next to you? Holding their hands instead of holding the picture.
Sometimes, very glaringly, I realise the limitations of the photo.
But other than that, sometimes, I'm extremely grateful for them being able to remind me of whats truly important in my life and transport me back, even if its for a fleeting moment, to that moment where I tried to capture that essence.
I realised long ago, that to truly feel for a picture, one must live in it, be there when it happened and seen it unfold with their own eyes.
if not, the photograph will cease to have its meaning. What it will be, is just another picture to another person.
The beauty may be easily seen, but the underlying reasons and the complicated factors that gave rise to the photo will be missed if not thought about.
So try, whenever you are looking at a photo.
Reminisence of that time.
Remember the good and keep in mind the bad.
and I hope, that for you all, photos will bear the same meaning as they do to me.
Photography is an art, but its also an emotion.
Its something that one does out of passion.
Its something one does out of love for another.
and sometimes, it can even affect the masses in a way that no other medium can.
It can show your friends the beauty that you see.
It can show others the love that you give.
A picture paints a thousand words.
but more importantly, a picture, can evoke the best or the worst in emotions.
Continue taking photos.
If anything, I'm just happy to know, that in my heart, you are doing something that I stand for, love and approve with my soul.
There are alot of things that I do not know.
Will I continue playing computer games 20 years from now?
Will I smoke 10 sticks a day 10 years from now?
Will I love the same people that I love now in the future?
While there are alot of things that I'm unsure of in the future.
I'm glad that at least I know for sure that a couple of things will not change.
I will be taking photos to the day I die.
Why?
Because more than anything, I love capturing the essence in things I love, in times I love and most importantly, of people that I love.
Its really that simple.
Its not hard to see.
and to see, is not something that the common person does nowadays.
Because in my opinion, we fail to see the most important things in life.
Which leads me to think, that common sense, isnt so common nowadays afterall.
What we want, most of the times, may not necessary be what we need.
Friday, February 09, 2007
on 5th feb
via sms,
"Dude, whats your highest education level?"
"Dip. Law n management. why?"
"nothing much. just filling up some forms."
"Boss, serious, whats it for? Dont put me up on classified ads, Im not for sale yo."
in the afternoon,
via Chief screaming for me, when I'm actually just beside her.
"YI QIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aiyo, where is that boy ah?"
"yes mdm, Im here. Just beside you."
"Oh yes. I just got this in the email. Its about you. Read."
____________________________________________________
From Cpt Luq
To: Maj CO,Cpt S1, 2WO Chief, 1WO RSM, Maj S3, CPT S4.
Subject: Job well done.
I would like to commend our R&D IC on a job extremely well done. This is one soldier whose background, attitude, passion and work ethics deserves recognition. He has proven himself to be the right man for the job and it is recognized by those not from our unit too.
A typical R&D IC's job is to facilitate the preparation and submission of the paperwork i.e. the soldier's performance record and the likes for a court martial. he is expected to accompany the Defending Officer to the Court Martial and assist in the paper transactions required by CMC. That is all.
A typical Defending officer is expected to go to court with a mitigation plea and read it out for the judge after the sentenced is passed. This time, the process is more complicated, with the case going to trial when the soldier decided to plead not guilty.
Typically, a laywer would be appointed to defend such a case but in this instance, due to the finanical state of the soldier, I had to take up the responsiblity of defending him in court martial against no less the Head Military Prosecutor. It was a mountain of a task and the amount of preparation that is required is not only redious but it goes beyond anything that was taught to me in OCS, my education and my life experiences put together.
CPL Yi Qian has gone beyond his job requirements and has spent many nights working with me, in the weeks leading to the the court martial, preparing. he assisted me in the researching of case law, going through records of precedent cases, going through the various arguments that will and might come up in court and preparing witnesses for defence. We were thumbing through the SAF Act and Penal Codes and browsing throught countless precedents in lawnet. His commimtment to this endeavour shows morst during the last 5 days before the court martial. He worked with me in the weekends preparing the Defense Submission and Mitigation Plea. He readily adapted to my schedule with no complaints. ( I'm Task Force Commander for CIA, so this means that he was with me working on the case at REALLY odd hours e.g. 2100 hrs to 0500hrs for a few days) During Court Martial, he was by my side and giving me advice on the questions to ask and approaches to adopt during the cross examination. in short, I was very dependant of him throughtout the procedure.
Althought we didn not win the case, CPL *****'s sentence was reduced significantly due to the Judge's recognition of the amount of effort and support the unit has put in for the defence. The Chief Military prosecutor personally commended CPL Low on his role and contributions to the case. He even offered him a job.
CPL Yi Qian has been the key sucess factor in the prepartion and execution of the dfence arguments for the court martial of CPL *****. I would not have managed to pull this off without him. His dedication and aptitude was in the right place and should be justly recognized and compensated. therefore I am submitting a recmmendation of 05days off for the amount of man hours he has put in and I am recommneding for a special commendation by the unit i.e. Letter Of Commendation by CO. This commendation letter will also go along way to help him if he should decide to pursue higher education in his current major. His efforts should not go unrecognised. For your kind Considerations please.
Cheers.
CPT Luq
__________________________________
From MAJ CO
To: Cpt S1, 2WO Chief, 1WO RSM, CPT Luq, Maj S3, CPT S4.
Subject: Job well done.
Approved.
Chief, please take facillitate, prepare the letter of commendation for Yi Qian.
_____________________________________________________
Letter of Commendation?
For what?
Really, what for?
We lost the case.
The dude had to do his time.
I dont see why I should get something out of nothing.
I guess what Im getting is just a compensation for the effort I put in.
But what compensation am I going to get for feeling fucked up for losing the case and losing one whole fucking month of my life?
I thank Cpt Luq for all his praises and effort for doing this for me.
i really appreciate it.
however, other than Cpt Luq, all the other people and all the other ways that things are done around here are just too fucked up for me to contemplate, understand and accept.
At the moment, its a mixed bag of feelings.
I dont really know what to make of this.
But well, i got tmr, the weekend and the whole of monday and tuesday to think about this.
I'm supposed to be presented with my letter, my best soldier cert and medal this wed during a parade.
But I dont feel like turning up.
Besides, there are more important things to do then attending parades.
via sms,
"Dude, whats your highest education level?"
"Dip. Law n management. why?"
"nothing much. just filling up some forms."
"Boss, serious, whats it for? Dont put me up on classified ads, Im not for sale yo."
in the afternoon,
via Chief screaming for me, when I'm actually just beside her.
"YI QIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aiyo, where is that boy ah?"
"yes mdm, Im here. Just beside you."
"Oh yes. I just got this in the email. Its about you. Read."
____________________________________________________
From Cpt Luq
To: Maj CO,Cpt S1, 2WO Chief, 1WO RSM, Maj S3, CPT S4.
Subject: Job well done.
I would like to commend our R&D IC on a job extremely well done. This is one soldier whose background, attitude, passion and work ethics deserves recognition. He has proven himself to be the right man for the job and it is recognized by those not from our unit too.
A typical R&D IC's job is to facilitate the preparation and submission of the paperwork i.e. the soldier's performance record and the likes for a court martial. he is expected to accompany the Defending Officer to the Court Martial and assist in the paper transactions required by CMC. That is all.
A typical Defending officer is expected to go to court with a mitigation plea and read it out for the judge after the sentenced is passed. This time, the process is more complicated, with the case going to trial when the soldier decided to plead not guilty.
Typically, a laywer would be appointed to defend such a case but in this instance, due to the finanical state of the soldier, I had to take up the responsiblity of defending him in court martial against no less the Head Military Prosecutor. It was a mountain of a task and the amount of preparation that is required is not only redious but it goes beyond anything that was taught to me in OCS, my education and my life experiences put together.
CPL Yi Qian has gone beyond his job requirements and has spent many nights working with me, in the weeks leading to the the court martial, preparing. he assisted me in the researching of case law, going through records of precedent cases, going through the various arguments that will and might come up in court and preparing witnesses for defence. We were thumbing through the SAF Act and Penal Codes and browsing throught countless precedents in lawnet. His commimtment to this endeavour shows morst during the last 5 days before the court martial. He worked with me in the weekends preparing the Defense Submission and Mitigation Plea. He readily adapted to my schedule with no complaints. ( I'm Task Force Commander for CIA, so this means that he was with me working on the case at REALLY odd hours e.g. 2100 hrs to 0500hrs for a few days) During Court Martial, he was by my side and giving me advice on the questions to ask and approaches to adopt during the cross examination. in short, I was very dependant of him throughtout the procedure.
Althought we didn not win the case, CPL *****'s sentence was reduced significantly due to the Judge's recognition of the amount of effort and support the unit has put in for the defence. The Chief Military prosecutor personally commended CPL Low on his role and contributions to the case. He even offered him a job.
CPL Yi Qian has been the key sucess factor in the prepartion and execution of the dfence arguments for the court martial of CPL *****. I would not have managed to pull this off without him. His dedication and aptitude was in the right place and should be justly recognized and compensated. therefore I am submitting a recmmendation of 05days off for the amount of man hours he has put in and I am recommneding for a special commendation by the unit i.e. Letter Of Commendation by CO. This commendation letter will also go along way to help him if he should decide to pursue higher education in his current major. His efforts should not go unrecognised. For your kind Considerations please.
Cheers.
CPT Luq
__________________________________
From MAJ CO
To: Cpt S1, 2WO Chief, 1WO RSM, CPT Luq, Maj S3, CPT S4.
Subject: Job well done.
Approved.
Chief, please take facillitate, prepare the letter of commendation for Yi Qian.
_____________________________________________________
Letter of Commendation?
For what?
Really, what for?
We lost the case.
The dude had to do his time.
I dont see why I should get something out of nothing.
I guess what Im getting is just a compensation for the effort I put in.
But what compensation am I going to get for feeling fucked up for losing the case and losing one whole fucking month of my life?
I thank Cpt Luq for all his praises and effort for doing this for me.
i really appreciate it.
however, other than Cpt Luq, all the other people and all the other ways that things are done around here are just too fucked up for me to contemplate, understand and accept.
At the moment, its a mixed bag of feelings.
I dont really know what to make of this.
But well, i got tmr, the weekend and the whole of monday and tuesday to think about this.
I'm supposed to be presented with my letter, my best soldier cert and medal this wed during a parade.
But I dont feel like turning up.
Besides, there are more important things to do then attending parades.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
"yo dude what can I get you today?"
"I'd take my usual. tell you what, make it a triple mac. largest you got."
"shit, thats pretty heavy, you need that much?"
"yea sorta. Im not feeling too good."
"aights."
"Triple esp mac coming right up."
I sat there for an hour.
Sipping on my coffee.
I had my feet on the chair.
I wasnt in a daze.
On the contary, somehow it was clearer than it ever was.
I smoked 4 sticks.
Watching the smoke dissipate.
"yo, how's the drink?"
"strong. was what I needed. Thanks."
"just for you bro."
Its was cold, thick and bitter all at once.
Very bitter. Triple shot, what did I expect?
Caramel Kitkats?
balmy afternoon, i thought to myself.
The drink bought relief, or a semblence of the relief that I was looking for.
I just sat there.
Thinking.
I let it wash over my head.
I let reason take over.
Understanding, learning, accepting and hating it all at once.
The worst thing, the worst thing that happened that afternoon.
was realisation creeping in.
It was really scorching hot yesterday late afternoon.
But I needed a walk.
Badly.
I walked.
I went on a shooting frenzy.
I walked the esplanade.
I walked the bridge.
I even visted the fucking merlion.
I walked with my headphones blaring, the music barely registering.
I shot quickly.
Without thinking.
I just shot.
I walked the fullerton.
I walked the bay.
I passed by pierside.
I ended up at the old clifford pier.
Where I took a million and one shots.
I retraced my route, took more pictures.
I was thirsty. I needed another smoke.
I needed to sit down.
I needed to breathe.
I sat along the bay.
On one of those comfortable chairs they have out at fullerton starbucks.
I got myself another coffee. My third of the day. Tpl Esp.
I put down my cameras.
I lit up.
I surveyed the damage that laid before me.
2 whole rolls & 78 digital photos.
I took a sip.
thats 102 photos in total.
Without looking, I already knew that, thats 102 fucked up photos in total.
oddly, I felt better.
I sat.
and relaxed.
The slight breeze felt wonderful.
I spied on little aircrafts in the distant.
I looked at the little cars on the ECP during rush hour.
I put away my cameras and stuff.
Tidied up my bag.
Collected my thoughts.
I was at ease. at last.
Took out some draft paper.
Took out my trusty stabilo felt pen.
I drafted my goodbye.
"I'd take my usual. tell you what, make it a triple mac. largest you got."
"shit, thats pretty heavy, you need that much?"
"yea sorta. Im not feeling too good."
"aights."
"Triple esp mac coming right up."
I sat there for an hour.
Sipping on my coffee.
I had my feet on the chair.
I wasnt in a daze.
On the contary, somehow it was clearer than it ever was.
I smoked 4 sticks.
Watching the smoke dissipate.
"yo, how's the drink?"
"strong. was what I needed. Thanks."
"just for you bro."
Its was cold, thick and bitter all at once.
Very bitter. Triple shot, what did I expect?
Caramel Kitkats?
balmy afternoon, i thought to myself.
The drink bought relief, or a semblence of the relief that I was looking for.
I just sat there.
Thinking.
I let it wash over my head.
I let reason take over.
Understanding, learning, accepting and hating it all at once.
The worst thing, the worst thing that happened that afternoon.
was realisation creeping in.
It was really scorching hot yesterday late afternoon.
But I needed a walk.
Badly.
I walked.
I went on a shooting frenzy.
I walked the esplanade.
I walked the bridge.
I even visted the fucking merlion.
I walked with my headphones blaring, the music barely registering.
I shot quickly.
Without thinking.
I just shot.
I walked the fullerton.
I walked the bay.
I passed by pierside.
I ended up at the old clifford pier.
Where I took a million and one shots.
I retraced my route, took more pictures.
I was thirsty. I needed another smoke.
I needed to sit down.
I needed to breathe.
I sat along the bay.
On one of those comfortable chairs they have out at fullerton starbucks.
I got myself another coffee. My third of the day. Tpl Esp.
I put down my cameras.
I lit up.
I surveyed the damage that laid before me.
2 whole rolls & 78 digital photos.
I took a sip.
thats 102 photos in total.
Without looking, I already knew that, thats 102 fucked up photos in total.
oddly, I felt better.
I sat.
and relaxed.
The slight breeze felt wonderful.
I spied on little aircrafts in the distant.
I looked at the little cars on the ECP during rush hour.
I put away my cameras and stuff.
Tidied up my bag.
Collected my thoughts.
I was at ease. at last.
Took out some draft paper.
Took out my trusty stabilo felt pen.
I drafted my goodbye.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
its 6:17am.
I reached home at around 0530am.
Soon, it'll all kick off at 8am.
and hopefully, by the end of the day, everything will come to an end.
I want it to come to an end.
I need it to come to an end.
Very often I let things that are important just slip me by.
and usually I just look back and feel regretful about it.
Yes, my work is overwhelming me.
Yes, at the end of the day, if all goes well, there will be immense satisfaction to be had and well deserved slaps on the back.
but.
yet.
at what expense? at who's expense? mine? or the people whom i care for?
These are questions that I struggle to answer during my commute from various locations to various locations.
I struggle to answer some questions that I have in my mind right now.
I'm not in a suitable state of mind for pretty much anything except my work.
My nerves are fraying. I am very stressed out and I want nothing more than to fuck off when all my work is done.
I like my work, but I dont like how its taking over my life and causing me to not like how my life is now.
Time is a precious commodity.
and seeing how time just starts to slip by, kills me alittle more each time i realise that I'm spending time on things that , ulitmately, at the end of the day, isnt that important.
For the next 2 weeks, I'm committing all my time to things that are important in my life once more.
And rest assured, that when the call comes in for me to do more work.
my answer?
it'll be a resounding "Up yours."
I want to see you. badly.
I reached home at around 0530am.
Soon, it'll all kick off at 8am.
and hopefully, by the end of the day, everything will come to an end.
I want it to come to an end.
I need it to come to an end.
Very often I let things that are important just slip me by.
and usually I just look back and feel regretful about it.
Yes, my work is overwhelming me.
Yes, at the end of the day, if all goes well, there will be immense satisfaction to be had and well deserved slaps on the back.
but.
yet.
at what expense? at who's expense? mine? or the people whom i care for?
These are questions that I struggle to answer during my commute from various locations to various locations.
I struggle to answer some questions that I have in my mind right now.
I'm not in a suitable state of mind for pretty much anything except my work.
My nerves are fraying. I am very stressed out and I want nothing more than to fuck off when all my work is done.
I like my work, but I dont like how its taking over my life and causing me to not like how my life is now.
Time is a precious commodity.
and seeing how time just starts to slip by, kills me alittle more each time i realise that I'm spending time on things that , ulitmately, at the end of the day, isnt that important.
For the next 2 weeks, I'm committing all my time to things that are important in my life once more.
And rest assured, that when the call comes in for me to do more work.
my answer?
it'll be a resounding "Up yours."
I want to see you. badly.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
A boat called Ben & Sam.
So I was taking the night rider home, after my usual saturday muck about with fn (fast food, beef jerky, green tea & unsweetened water).
The bus was pretty much packed with people. There were still seats, but I didnt bother, its not a long ride home from plaza sing.
So as always, I'm on my iPod listening to music and was basically just in a daze. It was early in the morning and I wasnt feeling energetic anyway.
and then, this chap comes up to me.
Short hair, slightly shorter than I am, skinny, wearing a light blue polo tee, jeans and sneakers.
He taps me on the arm.
I look at him. Puzzled.
I dont think I've seen him before.
I take off my ear phones.
My puzzled expression still remains.
He says"heh, how have you been?"
I stare at him, befuddled.
He senses my confusion.
He goes rather non-chanlantly
"I am Ben."
I remember, I was about 6.
My dad bought this terrace house on daisy road.
A nice house, 3 stories, 5 bed rooms and a car porch big enough for 2 cars.
We were there one night, before we moved in, I was mucking about going amok in the new house I was going to live in, my dad was doing some work and my mum was heavily pregnant with my youngest brother.
It was late.
We were about leaving.
Then we met 3 persons outside our gates.
One uncle, One auntie and one little boy, about my age.
He was dark, skinny and had a laid back attitude about him. He seemed fearless.
The uncle and auntie chatted to my parents, the little boy stood beside them, holding his mother's hand.
I was standing behind my parents, abit unsure of the situation and the 2 adults that I've never seen before.
"Qian, come say hi to Uncle Willy and Auntie Mary. "
My mum prompted.
"Hello uncle, hello auntie, my name is Low Yi Qian"
they said hello back and smiled at me.
I thought they were rather nice.
They then got their little boy to introduce himself.
He introduced himself to us and promptly offered his hand to me with a shy smile typical of 6 year olds.
A handshake.
These 3 people were to be our neighbours for the next 5 and a half years.
We always had fun together.
Sometimes we hung out with the older boys, shi yi and malcom, but most times, it was just the 2 of us.
We learnt to cycle together, we learnt how to swim together and for a period of time, we even had the same tutor.
We put our heads together when plotting and scheming against our younger siblings (sam came one year after we moved in).
We shared our toys more willingly as compared to our brothers.
We drew giant robots and killed millions of big red ants together.
I shared my chips with him, he shared his pocky and rice crackers with me.
We played with his huge doberman named dolby. Well, I watched him play with dolby, I was scared shitless by the doberman.
He taught me about fishes and turtles, he kept many in his fish tank.
I did his homework for him. It was a doodle.
Uncle willy owned a boat, which he used for leisure purposes. He named the boat Ben & Sam.
Sometimes I'll go boating with them.
We'll cruise to sisters island or nowhere in particular. We'll swim in the sea or hunt for hermit crabs together, its one of the best childhood memories that I have.
We had a great friendship going on. One which I assumed would go on forever.
But like all little boys being naive like little boys were, I was of course, not too accurate with my prediction.
When I was 11 and a half, my dad bought a bigger house in bishan and we moved.
I remember me sitting in the lorry and him coming up to say goodbye.
He made sure that I got his adderses and telephone number written down properly.
I gave him a piece of paper that had my new address and new telephone number on it.
I told him not to lose it and he told me not to worry, he wouldnt.
We said our goodbye with a handshake and a promises to visit.
and we did keep with our promise for a couple of years.
then somewhere along the way, we just lost the connection that we had.
I dont know if it was because of school or what,
but we just did.
We didnt speak on the telephone like we use too, or visit during the holidays like we always did.
We still update each other on telephone number changes or stuff like that.
But we didnt really keep in touch.
I have him on my MSN list, but still, we just didnt speak with each other for some reason or another.
I think, we grew apart because we grew up.
We didnt have much in common anymore, i went thru the singaporean education system relatively unscathed while he had alot of problems in his studies.
He just didnt like studying and rather spend his time on computers and ice skating.
The few times we talked, we really didnt have much to talk about.
I updated him on my life and he did the same.
We talked about school.
I tried talking to him about his grades, but he was just too laid back to care.
In the end, I suppose when we grew to be older, we just had so little in common.
He wasnt a bad kid who gave problems in school, it just that he didnt gave a damn about his grades. He was just someone who was contented to relax and feel good about life.
He wasnt too concerned about his future or uptight about anything.
He was just a fella who was very very laid back about life and everything about him.
I think really, we just didnt have much to talk about.
We didnt have much in common like we use to do.
and we both just... maybe gave up.
sometimes I feel guilty about this issue, was it my fault?
I really dont know.
But I'm sure he doesnt feel that way because its just him, he is laid back about everything.
I'm pretty sure he is still the same as when I first met him.
"I am Ben."
He said that in the exact same way in which he did 16 years ago.
I guess I'll ask him out for dinner or coffee one day soon and talk about the days of yore.
I suppse its the least I can do for him and myself.
Some people, come in and go out of our lives, I think, when we see people who are worth the trouble, we should do what we can to keep them in our lives.
After all, you dont really want to look back on life when you are old and regret not keeping close the people who are worth keeping close to.
So I was taking the night rider home, after my usual saturday muck about with fn (fast food, beef jerky, green tea & unsweetened water).
The bus was pretty much packed with people. There were still seats, but I didnt bother, its not a long ride home from plaza sing.
So as always, I'm on my iPod listening to music and was basically just in a daze. It was early in the morning and I wasnt feeling energetic anyway.
and then, this chap comes up to me.
Short hair, slightly shorter than I am, skinny, wearing a light blue polo tee, jeans and sneakers.
He taps me on the arm.
I look at him. Puzzled.
I dont think I've seen him before.
I take off my ear phones.
My puzzled expression still remains.
He says"heh, how have you been?"
I stare at him, befuddled.
He senses my confusion.
He goes rather non-chanlantly
"I am Ben."
I remember, I was about 6.
My dad bought this terrace house on daisy road.
A nice house, 3 stories, 5 bed rooms and a car porch big enough for 2 cars.
We were there one night, before we moved in, I was mucking about going amok in the new house I was going to live in, my dad was doing some work and my mum was heavily pregnant with my youngest brother.
It was late.
We were about leaving.
Then we met 3 persons outside our gates.
One uncle, One auntie and one little boy, about my age.
He was dark, skinny and had a laid back attitude about him. He seemed fearless.
The uncle and auntie chatted to my parents, the little boy stood beside them, holding his mother's hand.
I was standing behind my parents, abit unsure of the situation and the 2 adults that I've never seen before.
"Qian, come say hi to Uncle Willy and Auntie Mary. "
My mum prompted.
"Hello uncle, hello auntie, my name is Low Yi Qian"
they said hello back and smiled at me.
I thought they were rather nice.
They then got their little boy to introduce himself.
He introduced himself to us and promptly offered his hand to me with a shy smile typical of 6 year olds.
A handshake.
These 3 people were to be our neighbours for the next 5 and a half years.
We always had fun together.
Sometimes we hung out with the older boys, shi yi and malcom, but most times, it was just the 2 of us.
We learnt to cycle together, we learnt how to swim together and for a period of time, we even had the same tutor.
We put our heads together when plotting and scheming against our younger siblings (sam came one year after we moved in).
We shared our toys more willingly as compared to our brothers.
We drew giant robots and killed millions of big red ants together.
I shared my chips with him, he shared his pocky and rice crackers with me.
We played with his huge doberman named dolby. Well, I watched him play with dolby, I was scared shitless by the doberman.
He taught me about fishes and turtles, he kept many in his fish tank.
I did his homework for him. It was a doodle.
Uncle willy owned a boat, which he used for leisure purposes. He named the boat Ben & Sam.
Sometimes I'll go boating with them.
We'll cruise to sisters island or nowhere in particular. We'll swim in the sea or hunt for hermit crabs together, its one of the best childhood memories that I have.
We had a great friendship going on. One which I assumed would go on forever.
But like all little boys being naive like little boys were, I was of course, not too accurate with my prediction.
When I was 11 and a half, my dad bought a bigger house in bishan and we moved.
I remember me sitting in the lorry and him coming up to say goodbye.
He made sure that I got his adderses and telephone number written down properly.
I gave him a piece of paper that had my new address and new telephone number on it.
I told him not to lose it and he told me not to worry, he wouldnt.
We said our goodbye with a handshake and a promises to visit.
and we did keep with our promise for a couple of years.
then somewhere along the way, we just lost the connection that we had.
I dont know if it was because of school or what,
but we just did.
We didnt speak on the telephone like we use too, or visit during the holidays like we always did.
We still update each other on telephone number changes or stuff like that.
But we didnt really keep in touch.
I have him on my MSN list, but still, we just didnt speak with each other for some reason or another.
I think, we grew apart because we grew up.
We didnt have much in common anymore, i went thru the singaporean education system relatively unscathed while he had alot of problems in his studies.
He just didnt like studying and rather spend his time on computers and ice skating.
The few times we talked, we really didnt have much to talk about.
I updated him on my life and he did the same.
We talked about school.
I tried talking to him about his grades, but he was just too laid back to care.
In the end, I suppose when we grew to be older, we just had so little in common.
He wasnt a bad kid who gave problems in school, it just that he didnt gave a damn about his grades. He was just someone who was contented to relax and feel good about life.
He wasnt too concerned about his future or uptight about anything.
He was just a fella who was very very laid back about life and everything about him.
I think really, we just didnt have much to talk about.
We didnt have much in common like we use to do.
and we both just... maybe gave up.
sometimes I feel guilty about this issue, was it my fault?
I really dont know.
But I'm sure he doesnt feel that way because its just him, he is laid back about everything.
I'm pretty sure he is still the same as when I first met him.
"I am Ben."
He said that in the exact same way in which he did 16 years ago.
I guess I'll ask him out for dinner or coffee one day soon and talk about the days of yore.
I suppse its the least I can do for him and myself.
Some people, come in and go out of our lives, I think, when we see people who are worth the trouble, we should do what we can to keep them in our lives.
After all, you dont really want to look back on life when you are old and regret not keeping close the people who are worth keeping close to.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tell me a job, that pays you only $420 a month and that needs you to work 16 hour days.
National Slavery.
ah well. fuck it.
Am I a nasty person?
I am blatantly nasty and purposely tactless according to jess.
I am bloody rude and snotty. according to shawn.
The point is, I say my 'thank you' s and my 'please's all the time.
But no, their point is that they reckon that Im just on auto pilot and going through motions.
so my thank yous and pleases dont come from the heart.
uh...wokay.
but yes,
I'm having trouble convincing myself that I am a okay sorta bloke.
Non to bastard.
well, maybe abit, just abit. a tiny bit.
but argh.
hmm,
maybe you guys know better or know something that I dont.
hmm.
I'll give this some thought and see what I can come up with.
But at the moment, I still think I'm a nice person =]
(smiley proves that I'm a nice boy.)
Thank you & Regards
(compliments proves that I am a nice boy)
National Slavery.
ah well. fuck it.
Am I a nasty person?
I am blatantly nasty and purposely tactless according to jess.
I am bloody rude and snotty. according to shawn.
The point is, I say my 'thank you' s and my 'please's all the time.
But no, their point is that they reckon that Im just on auto pilot and going through motions.
so my thank yous and pleases dont come from the heart.
uh...wokay.
but yes,
I'm having trouble convincing myself that I am a okay sorta bloke.
Non to bastard.
well, maybe abit, just abit. a tiny bit.
but argh.
hmm,
maybe you guys know better or know something that I dont.
hmm.
I'll give this some thought and see what I can come up with.
But at the moment, I still think I'm a nice person =]
(smiley proves that I'm a nice boy.)
Thank you & Regards
(compliments proves that I am a nice boy)
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