With your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul.

there really isn't nothing that we couldn't do.






So by all accounts, its been a good week.

I guess... Im not complaining, I will take what I can get.

I think things are slowly, very very slowly getting better. I am cautious. Cautiously optimistic.

I've been happy, sometimes deliriously so. So if happiness is my barometer for how things are going, I guess it has been going ok.

I've been less afraid of asking R if she is happy because at times, I think she is and realises it. She hasn't noticed, but her grip on my hand has been getting tighter and tighter.

Perhaps she is coming to terms with the situation? I hope so. Like Abbey said, its really just a status thing now isn't it? Its been 4 months and we are so much a part of each other lives. Or is it? fuck me silly if I know.

But to be honest, it is unfair for me to keep time as R and I have very different ideas of when things actually got serious. She really only knew I was serious when I was already seriously serious. Thinking back, I cannot decide if I was not being obvious or if she was oblivious. But by all accounts and in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't that important is it?

Sometimes I feel this part of me is so retarded, as in, undeveloped and backwards. I wonder if I am doing the right thing most of the time. Because I am confused, I suppose I just let morality guide me. R has said the best thing to do is to be transperant, honest and that we have no secrets between us. So I guess thats the policy I will try to stick too.

Last week, we were both so busy. Both of us were working 6 day work weeks and only on Sunday did we have time to head out. We had a leisurely branch at The Garden Slug. I really like the food there and the coffee was alright. But the place had a relaxed vibe which I like. And for Sunday brunch, it was really quiet which I appreciated alot. Then we caught a afternoon screening of Pacific Rim. I thought the movie was good in an entertaining way. It doesn't have a story line, but it had pretty effects and sometimes, that is enough. But maybe I am biased because I spent the day with R and days like that tend to feel like having rose tinted glasses on. I was happy. Really really happy.

-----------------------

It has been what? Around 3 weeks since I last wrote? The first two weeks were bad. There were really times when I was just plain distraught. But from the bad episodes, I learn that I am fucking tough and that I can deal with the bad. And with that knowledge, there really isn't much that I am not ready to deal with. Am I scared? Sure. Am I dreading the bad stuff? Of course. But right now, I know I will be able to deal with the teeth gnashing moments when the time comes.
------------------------


"I am good for you and you bring out the best in me."

I say that to R all the time and I really believe in that. All the time too.

-------------------------

Listening to music has always been a form of indulgence for me. When I listen, I really am listening and sometimes I admit that listening to music isn't good for me. Now that I'm older and I know when it is time to just put the headphones away and to put a movie on instead. If you ask me, it is very similar to writing. At the end of the day, it is about engaging the voices in our heads right? Everyone has different coping mechanism so why begrude us our little indulgences?

Life is hard, let lose a little.

A wallet full of doubt

I never saw it coming. But I guess it was a symptom of my demands. Is it too greedy of me to want everything?

R said it stresses her out when we do the things that we do. When I hold her hand. When I hug her. When I peck her on the cheek. When we kiss.

Stress? fuck me, this is supposed to be fun. How did we get here? How did it get so intense?


I'm exhausted. I really am. Holding on so tightly has worn me out more than I care to admit. I'm tired but I refuse to give up.

She is freaking out because she thinks she can't fulfill her part of our relationship. But I've told her time and again that it is ok by me. Our emotions, feelings, effort and heart ache can't be measured in measuring cups so why even try?

" I was stressed because I didnt know what you like. I know you need a wallet. I know you want one. But I'm so tired to try. I have no drive. I just don't know."

She said that as she handed me a wrapped package. If you ask me now how I felt back then, I still wouldn't know and I still won't be able to describe it accurately.

I was so happy. Yet I was so upset to hear those things. it's too trying sometimes.

I no longer know how to explain myself when people whom I care ask about the situation. I appreciate the concern. I do.

Some days we are just so happy. and some days we just a wallet full of doubts.

I'm just...

I'm so desperate for this to work. But I am too proud to tell anyone. 

I know you are afraid because of your past experiences, but don't you see? It just won't be the same. Even if it is just based on the people involved. 

I sometimes feel so tired but I loathe to give in because it involves you. 

And I'm so into you that I scare myself.

Walking Waltz.

You walked into my life with a shell of smiles.

Porcelain, glazed yet so full of cracks.

The intimacy of our minds, the shape of our past lies.

Like a poker game, I give you all, I wish you would call.

You walked into my life, now won't you stay to waltz with me.

Da fuck?

Seriously, I can't believe people can be so presumptous nowadays.

Fuck you. You have no idea what we have or what we have been through.

Just because you ask nicely, doesnt mean I have to listen.

And fuck you if you thought "happy birthday" was a great angle to starting the conversation.

At the end of the day, you are a fucking stranger so who gives you the right to tell me what to do? Adding "Just my opinion" doesnt fucking help cause you know why? I dont give two flying fucks about your opinion.

The only fucking reason why I am still civilized to you is because I care about keeping the peace. But don't mistake my kindess for weakness. Make no mistake, I will fuck you up.

Im so fucking mad right now I cant even sleep.


---------------


On another note, I am fucking happy.
I had a great birthday. I had a great lunch with R. We caught Hang Over 3 which I thought was hilarious. Then I went to Droo's where I had a home made burger dinner. Then we talked till 2am.
He asked me to be Beanie's god father.  I said yes without blinking.

All in all, it was a brilliant day. Only for that small bit which pissed me off.

Write this down to remember this.

I need to record this down so that in time, if it goes to shit, I won't resent because I made the choice.

Sure it does.

But I've thought about it and its quite simple right.

I really like her

I'm ok with the situation right now because im reasonably happy.

But the day I become unhappy, I will just have to walk away then. This is how I see things. I'm not running away, I just refuse to fight battles I cannot hope to win. 

and I've told her that. I've told her that no one is able to compel me to do things which I don't want to and that includes sticking around. 

CX715 Hong Kong to Singapore 2145. A turn.

I'm writing this while I am on my way back from Hong Kong.

This work trip is shit. But it was good hanging out with jess and meeting Jason. seems fun.

R and I chatted today and she told me that things have taken a turn for her. A turn for the better. While I'm happy for her and myself, I cannot help but have that nagging feeling at the back of my head.

To be honest, I'm worried about what's is going to happen next. But what can we do right? we just got to plow on.

Work is just horrible but I will see everything through. After all, all I new to get by Wednesday before my rest period starts.

You know, as i write this, the plane is going through turbulence.

and it is so simple right? we really can't do much. just like in life? All we can do is buckle up our seat belts, enjoy the ride and hopefully come out unscathed.

For Ar, I just might be willing to be her seat. Just.

The Long Weekend with Ar.

Thurs. It started off brilliant even when I was fucking nervous. An intimate dinner dinner with 4 of my closests friends. Is it too formal? A table of 6 at Pasta Brava in a lil alcove right at the back of the restaurant. R met them for the first time. They met R for the first time. She rubbed Jo's belly and felt Beanie kick. We drank champagne. Laughed. Gorged ourselves on the best scallops, pasta and italian desert. It was a 500 dollar dinner and worth every fucking cent. R looked ravashing that night. I had my hand on her leg through dinner. I couldn't help myself, the closeness. I couldn't even take a proper photo. I sent her home in a cab. We talked. I was deriliously happy even if I didn't dare let her know it. There and then, I was deriliously happy. And no, I dont use the word "happy" alot.
-----
Fri. We were supposed to go out. I couldnt. I was sick for a day when my toothache really ravaged me.
-----
Sat. I was still sick. But I was better. R came to meet me even though our movie plans fell through again. We both had trucker caps on. We had a fish dinner like cats. She had a $3.50 oyster. For desert, I had chocolate banana bread. R made it. I thought it was quite tasty but she thought it tasted horrid. I thought dinner was great. After that we went to tea dot. A lollipop and a Macha Red Date later, we left. Late that night, she couldn't sleep. She was troubled. She pulled, I pushed. Back and forth with no resolution. 5am. Exhausted. We both left it. Tears? Frustration? I don't know.
-----
Sunday. 11am. She asked "Did you sleep ok?" I went  "Are you not going out to meet your friends?" "No, I'm tired." She has a 1 hr short appointment at 2pm. I had a family lunch. Family commitments till 4pm. But she says we should do a movie. We did.  From 5, we had a leisurely evening coffee. A 7pm screening. Kick ass movie, Star Trek. I loved it and I loved having R next to me. A late dinner near her place. I even bought supper for my folks. Again, I was so happy. She went to bed early. I was relived. I slept at 4. But I was content.  Its like the song "Dakota" going on and on and on and it felt good.
------
Monday started shit. She did something that was probably innocuous to her, but bothered the fuck out of me. I didn't tell her. I tell myself, patience, patience and three times patience. I sat at work and fumed. I didnt speak to anyone. I bashed out two stories which if you ask me, were totally a waste of my time.
After work, she went to her gym class. I went for a haircut. I wanted to head home to pack. Midway she suddenly realised I was flying off the day after. Wednesday. Instead of heading home, she came to see me. She forgot I was flying on the 29th. She thought it was the 30th. I told her it is ok, we can meet tomorrow. I am a big boy. She wasn't sure if she could do tomorrow. I said. "If you want to see me, sure." She came in her Nikes, no make up. She didn't even eat. She had tea. It was a quick dinner for me. I sent her home. Times like these I get confused by her actions. I can't tell what she is driving at. But the other side tells me to just accept it. Its her way of expression, appreciate it.
------

Ok, strictly speaking, I fucking know that Monday isnt part of the long weekend. But so?

Oh yea, you know what also happened on Monday? A poor attempt at a olive branch. Petutantly I said "I hate her". Thats what I told Jess. Jess said that hate is a strong word. Petutantly I said those words.
There were sweet moments. There were times where I was truly happy. But sometimes, it was truly bad for me.
-------

And there goes dinner.

So I just threw up.

I do that sometimes when I get nervous, upset.

Honestly though, its been a long time since I threw up. A long time.
So the fact that I did reaffirmed the seriousness of the issue. I need to sort this out, quick.

I'm not on top form. I have a raging tooth ache. I'm tired from work. I haven't had the best quality sleep for the past week. I admit, I'm feeling quite delicate.


Work is going ok, busy and hectic as heck, but still, ok.

But then things outside work are a mess.

I'm exhausted. At this point, all I hope is for dinner to go well tomorrow. At this point, I really hope I can avoid dissapointment. Really, it would devastate me if this doesn't happen. Am I worried? No shit sherlock.  I'm fucking worried.

Ar.

Honestly, I have no clue where things are going.

Half the time, I don't even know what I am doing and you don't react like I expect you too. And I suspect you feel exactly the same way.

So basically, what we have here, is a big pot of "don't know" which is scary, stupid, maddening, but oh so tempting. Alluring.


Like that how?
You tell me lar.

So intense

R: "How did it get so intense?"

Well I don't know as well. Like when you told me all that you did and I sat there feeling hapless. More hapless than you because I wanted to do something desprately. Yet did not know what I could. 

And all that ran through my head when you told me those things?

"How did it get so intense?"

A confused understatement.

Q: "Will you miss me?"
R: "Yes. I actually think so..."

Q: "Please just be alright."
R: "I thank god for introducing you during one of the toughest times in my life."


I don't know what R is trying to say. The more I try to pull away, the more stuck I become.

You said that love means one would do anything. But what if I gave you everything but you didn't love me?

I don't want to love you. Not now. Not when you can't love me back. I am selfish like that.


--------------
L: "I feel contented. Happy. Contented."

Why is she telling me this? What is the point? It is just not going to happen so why make it so difficult for both of us?

What do you want from me?

We can take all the siestas in the world.

We can steal away when no one is looking.

We can pretend all we want.

You can even deny it if you want.

But you, you and I, we both know there is something there.
And no, I will not be the one to destroy something that isn't mine.

--------------

"All in." "fold."

I don't know why I did it. But I shared what happened with her. In hind sight, I guess I didn't have too. Especially when I clearly knew what I was going to do and I even knew what she was going to say.

She was surprised at the intensity and I told her it is not her fault. She just did not know better.

But the poor girl, struggling. I want to help her, but I don't want to. Do you know what I mean? No you don't.


I guess it is another chapter closed. But at the end of the day, the month did her good and the month did me good. At the very least, I started writing again right?

If you need to know, nothing "ended" because nothing started.

As always, there are take aways from it right? Lessons that can be learned.

Well my take away is that I can share. I can divulge. It feels horrible, but in a weird way, its carthasis. Sure, you feel vulnerable, but it is only in that instance. When you are done, you look back, and you see the bravery which you just exhibited. Can it feel good? Well in a way it can.

Was I afraid?

Sure, I was scared as hell. But I did it anyway. I'm antagonistic like that.

New layout.

New layout.

Pastels of Grey.

Hah. Ironic.

Oh well, for easier reading, the colours are boring.


"Omg I got so many work today!"



She can't get her grammar right.
I can't see how I keep thinking, for me, she is right.

Yea, cause that would be really fucked up right? Cause you like her, and you are like, oh your ex? its ok blah blah blah. Nobody should do that. Especially not you.

But do you think she is a genunine person? Or she just wants to keep you around to hold her hand and tell her that it is alright?

Look if you really like her and you think she is a good person, then it is just circumstances then. Then perhaps it is just something you got to ride through.

But is she a good person?

---------------

It is unnerving how history seems to repeat itself.

How do I know? How would I find out? I guess there isn't a way apart from flat out asking.

I have no issue asking. Trust me, I've never minded putting myself out there and abit of clarity will be good for everyone.

But I have an issue with putting R on the spot. She is, shall we say, delicate.

Because she is, I told myself to be patient. But right here right now, I'm not too sure of my own convictions.


-------
It is my perenial problem isn't it? I want it all and I always want it on my time and terms.

Am I greedy if I demand it all? I still can't quite decide.

I guess I do have more growing up to do. Hey shoot me, I never claimed to be perfect.

She asked me how I would define "love" and I told her that I would tell her another day.

I asked for hers and she said "Right now, I don't know. Maybe one day I will again."

I don't want to tell her what I think because I think she won't be able to take it. She on the other hand, doesn't even know what it is that she is thinking.

That sums it up I guess.

hmm

To be perfectly honest,

I wish I was anywhere else but at work.

I have a meeting and a shoot later but I really am not feeling up to it.

If this is what I think it is, please just tell me. and let me go.

Q: So what do you think? Are you surprised?

Kris: Yea. I am.

Q: Why?

Kris: She doesn't seem to be your type. But I never met your ex. So I don't know. But you know, its different. People you date, people you think you'd date and people that you actually love. 

-----

Kris is right. She isn't my type. If you met her, you would be surprised too. But am I surprised? No, not really. I know why I'm attracted to her. But I hope she realises my patience is not infinite.

----

I was speaking to L today and she said,

"You do realise that you are different? That you are strange?"

Am I? I want the same things as many people do.

Yes. Sometimes I want more. Infact, I will go ahead and admit that I demand more. But what I take, I give in equal measure. 

With J, it was difficult as I took and took and took. 

But with R, I want to give. But I'm not sure if she is able to take. 

You know, sometimes its episodes like this that makes me think karma is not just real, but a real vindictive bitch. 

At the end of the day, I'm not afraid of giving, you got to ask yourself if you are willing to take.

It is abit like poker innit? I'm coming at you, full tilt, what are you going to do?

It is curious how blogger keeps telling me that there are people who read this blog.

This always brings a chuckle to me. I mean, who could possibly be reading? As far as I know, I havent told anyone that I have resumed writing. And I don't think RSS feeds were around when I first started blogging so it cant be on anyone's RSS feeds right?v And I'm pretty sure I havent spoken about me having a blog for years. Years mind you, years.

If you know me personally and visit this blog, it would be great if you could drop me a note and to let me know that you are reading. Infact, it would be decent of you if you did that. Drop me a fb message, that would work.

-----------------
It is over, the silly month long soujourn. If I was honest, I'm glad that normal service has resumed. There have been some changes, some parts good, some parts bad, but mostly im optimistic about at least keeping a sane and level head when it comes to work matters.

Ok fine, if I were honest, I wish I NEVER had gone away for a month. It would have saved me alot of fucking trouble and grief.

I'm very worried that I could be walking into a hole.
---------
So you want to know how it is going with R.

Its been difficult.

She has her issues. Which only she can sort out. I hope she realises that. I really don't want to help her with her issues and I hope she can see that I can't help her, even if I wanted.

But most of all, I wonder if she knows that when she tells me things that I cannot change, its a one fucking kind of horrible. Sometimes I ask myself if i am being selfish by not wanting her to tell me stuff.

I am half way writing this and it happens. She just texted. I can't and won't do much except cajole. Is it any less easy though? No, of course it is not.

She is obviously afraid. But what she doesn't know is that I am fucking terrified as well.

"Move on man." "Stay the fuck away." "Walk away." "You better not be used!"

Sure, I get what my closest circle have been telling me and trust me, sometimes, I really want to bolt from the situation without looking back.

Sometimes I wish R would just decide things for both of us or tell me, so that I can decide for us. Cause frankly, my mind is made up but, the ball, I suspect, might still be in her court.

You know, life is funny. With J, I never felt out of control even when she herself was spiralling out of control. Her tears, her silent breakdowns and her own mental dismantling. I hated it.  But that being said, with J, I was concious of the things that were happening, it was always a step, followed by another and again by another. To be frank, I even saw the end of the road even when we first started on it. It is abit like a slow motion video of a nuclear melt down.

With R, I don't know what would be happening one day to the next. And it is ironic that she thinks she can be read like a book.

Sometimes I think its karma.


I always joke with her on how I am demanding. But I think she knows that I am.

Yes, I am demanding. I always have been. I don't want bits. I want everything.

But you know what is the pertinent part? That I have not felt like this for a long time. Even with J, I was always concious of how I could never accept her every facade. With R, I guess I am prepared to take everything. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The only problem? I don't want her to know it.

--------

R,
Just in case, in some weird freakish way that you have stumbled on this place and am reading every single word. I want you to know, that when you get into one of your low places in your head, I hate it. But I understand it. Because I do the same thing without you knowing.

----------------

its 11am. I didnt publish last night because I was lost.
Life as we know it.

In other news.


L told me some stuff she wished that she didn't.

I told her it is of no import and that I can pretend I didn't hear it. Nothing would change. 

I was lying. I guess the s-tension between us is just going to get worst. 

--------

I am meeting R later. She asked to have brunch. I think R trusts me. She shares things which are difficult to share. But sometimes, I'm disinterested. Note: "disinterested", not "not interested." They mean different things. Check the dictionary. 

Why am I disinterested? Simple. It is because I don't want to be the one to try and fix her. Not that I don't want too, I just don't think its possible to fix anyone. God knows I have tried it before. 

But can I trust R? I am not sure if she realises how little she knows about me. But it isn't her fault. I have not been letting on as much as I really should. Sometimes I feel like I take a lot and give very little. And also, maybe I should stop pushing her buttons and giving her a hard time. 

I wonder if she knows why I do it and I wonder if she knows that at the same time, she really pushes my buttons and gives me a hard time in my head. 

I hope R can keep up. Because I think I really like her and I would hate it if we both fuck it up for one another. 

Maybe I am impatient but I guess we will just have to wait and see.